I haven’t watched “The Bachelor” for several seasons, but encouraged by my “Bachelor” fan-girl Nicole, I tuned in tonight, and Jesus Christ, it is a fabulous train wreck of reality gold.
This season’s bachelor is British banker Matt. He’s tall, dark, handsome blah blah blah. But let’s get to his crackheads.
What most amused me in the first half hour was the description of these women’s jobs. We had the requisite “event planner” and “pharmaceutical sales” whores, but this season we were also blessed with a “former Bush aide,” someone who was in “church marketing” and a 33-year-old HOT DOG VENDOR.
Matt is apparently down with God and street meat, because those two made it to the next round, but Karl Rove’s biggest fan was out a luck.
Sadly, so was Stacey. Ah, Stacey. With her sparkly blue stripper dress, tramp stamp and slurry “hey baby” greeting, I figured Little Sally Slutpants was a shoo-in.
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Too bad she was bored by Matt’s banter with Erin, and could only sputter something about an electric car when asked what she knew about London. She does, however, want to use her degree in nutrition to come up with cures for diseases people haven’t even heard of yet. Super!
I think she might be more into spreading than containing diseases, though, as Stacey concluded her time with Matt by stuffing her underwear into his pocket-less (really?) pants. She later passed out on a random mattress, but pulled it together in time to not get a rose, and tell that camera that Matt didn’t know what he was missing.
Meanwhile, there’s Shayne. When Shayne popped out of the limo, I texted Nicole with “what’s up porn star?” Turns out I’m not too far off, as her dad is Lorenzo Lamas of “Renegade” fame, and her former stepmother is Playboy playmate and Lucite heel enthusiast Shauna Sands. Please let Shayne get to the final four “home visit” phase so we can see Lorenzo interact with Matt. It’s all I really need.
She was also on that MTV douche-fest twentyfourseven as a love interest to one of the young lads.
What else? Well, the first impression rose went to some skinny chick who gets hiccups when she’s nervous. Event planner Erin keeps her lip gloss in her bra, and that church management chick literally bit a chunk out of an empty beer can.
Tune in next week. I'm thinking it's going to be the most whore-tastic rose ceremony ever.