Tuesday, March 25, 2008

“Kiss Me Bye Bye”
By PopCultureWhore

Am I the only one who thought this entire season of “The Hills” was going to be in Paris? Instead we get one episode of Parisian goodness spliced in with some awful acting from Heidi and Spencer.

Lauren and Whitney descended upon Paris for a week of running errands and hanging with French indie rockers. Among those rockers was Matthias, a guitarist who could be cute if he didn’t have crazy eyes, and a French accent that got slightly Irish when he was trashed.

Crazy eyes proposes that the crew hit up the Eiffel Tower with a bottle of champagne, and the boys later invite LC and Whitney to an “exclusive” French club, where the dress code is apparently quite posh.

When Lauren eyed that ball gown and suggested hemming it for a night on the town, you knew something was going to happen to it. But are you seriously telling me that Lauren went to Paris as an assistant with a fashion magazine and didn’t bring one clubbing appropriate outfit?

Anyway, instead of a spilled drink, drunken French vomit or cigarette ash, the dress instead was burned by Lauren’s curling iron, back in the safety of their opulent hotel room. Whoops.


The ladies and their driver raced over to the Alberta Ferretti showroom, where Lauren got a second dress. But while she thanked the guy for accommodating them, it did not appear that she returned the damaged dress, and she didn’t apologize for ruining a frock that probably cost somewhere around $1,500.

The second dress, meanwhile, looked as though it was less than supportive.

And speaking of the ball, it really didn’t look all that fun. A bunch of teenagers dancing awkwardly in haute couture? No thanks.

Lauren must have felt the same way because she made a swift exit to spend the night touring Paris on a Vespa with Matthias. But girlfriend did this while wearing the second ball gown. Sure, she tucked it under, but it looked like it was raining or snowing. Are you telling me she wasn’t covered in street dirt by morning? Dumbass!

Besides Matthias drunken request that Lauren “kiss me bye bye” (vomit), it didn’t look like they had any actual make out sessions, but that’s probably good because according to his MySpace page, Matthias is married. Homeslice is also only 24. What? He doesn’t look 24 here; he actually looks like that guy Goldie Hawn almost married in “Private Benjamin.”

Meanwhile, back in the states, Heidi showed off her newly plumped lips while visiting her parents in Colorado. Spencer jumped a plane in an effort to woo Ms. Heidi, but she and her family appeared less than enthused by his arrival. Their exchanges were really just so ridiculous, though, I don’t even want to talk about it.

Oh yeah, Brody has a new girlfriend. But previews for the season show a re-appearance of Stephen (looking a little sickly) so Lauren will probably not be hurting for the mens.

And while I appreciated MTV randomly telling us what music was playing, Lauren and Whitney’s Crillon Ball entrance music was recycled from the “Sex and the City" series finale when Carrie leaves the museum, and dashes across town to her fan club party.

Also, they totally should have had Heidi performing her latest "single" at the after party instead of Mariah Carey.

Monday, March 17, 2008

“Tissue down my pants?”
By PopCultureWhore

I haven’t watched “The Bachelor” for several seasons, but encouraged by my “Bachelor” fan-girl Nicole, I tuned in tonight, and Jesus Christ, it is a fabulous train wreck of reality gold.

This season’s bachelor is British banker Matt. He’s tall, dark, handsome blah blah blah. But let’s get to his crackheads.

What most amused me in the first half hour was the description of these women’s jobs. We had the requisite “event planner” and “pharmaceutical sales” whores, but this season we were also blessed with a “former Bush aide,” someone who was in “church marketing” and a 33-year-old HOT DOG VENDOR.

Matt is apparently down with God and street meat, because those two made it to the next round, but Karl Rove’s biggest fan was out a luck.

Sadly, so was Stacey. Ah, Stacey. With her sparkly blue stripper dress, tramp stamp and slurry “hey baby” greeting, I figured Little Sally Slutpants was a shoo-in.

Read more after the jump ...

Too bad she was bored by Matt’s banter with Erin, and could only sputter something about an electric car when asked what she knew about London. She does, however, want to use her degree in nutrition to come up with cures for diseases people haven’t even heard of yet. Super!

I think she might be more into spreading than containing diseases, though, as Stacey concluded her time with Matt by stuffing her underwear into his pocket-less (really?) pants. She later passed out on a random mattress, but pulled it together in time to not get a rose, and tell that camera that Matt didn’t know what he was missing.

Meanwhile, there’s Shayne. When Shayne popped out of the limo, I texted Nicole with “what’s up porn star?” Turns out I’m not too far off, as her dad is Lorenzo Lamas of “Renegade” fame, and her former stepmother is Playboy playmate and Lucite heel enthusiast Shauna Sands. Please let Shayne get to the final four “home visit” phase so we can see Lorenzo interact with Matt. It’s all I really need.

She was also on that MTV douche-fest twentyfourseven as a love interest to one of the young lads.

What else? Well, the first impression rose went to some skinny chick who gets hiccups when she’s nervous. Event planner Erin keeps her lip gloss in her bra, and that church management chick literally bit a chunk out of an empty beer can.

Tune in next week. I'm thinking it's going to be the most whore-tastic rose ceremony ever.