Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Am I the only one who thought this entire season of “The Hills” was going to be in Paris? Instead we get one episode of Parisian goodness spliced in with some awful acting from Heidi and Spencer.
Lauren and Whitney descended upon Paris for a week of running errands and hanging with French indie rockers. Among those rockers was Matthias, a guitarist who could be cute if he didn’t have crazy eyes, and a French accent that got slightly Irish when he was trashed.
Crazy eyes proposes that the crew hit up the Eiffel Tower with a bottle of champagne, and the boys later invite LC and Whitney to an “exclusive” French club, where the dress code is apparently quite posh.
When Lauren eyed that ball gown and suggested hemming it for a night on the town, you knew something was going to happen to it. But are you seriously telling me that Lauren went to Paris as an assistant with a fashion magazine and didn’t bring one clubbing appropriate outfit?
Anyway, instead of a spilled drink, drunken French vomit or cigarette ash, the dress instead was burned by Lauren’s curling iron, back in the safety of their opulent hotel room. Whoops.
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The ladies and their driver raced over to the Alberta Ferretti showroom, where Lauren got a second dress. But while she thanked the guy for accommodating them, it did not appear that she returned the damaged dress, and she didn’t apologize for ruining a frock that probably cost somewhere around $1,500.
The second dress, meanwhile, looked as though it was less than supportive.
And speaking of the ball, it really didn’t look all that fun. A bunch of teenagers dancing awkwardly in haute couture? No thanks.
Lauren must have felt the same way because she made a swift exit to spend the night touring Paris on a Vespa with Matthias. But girlfriend did this while wearing the second ball gown. Sure, she tucked it under, but it looked like it was raining or snowing. Are you telling me she wasn’t covered in street dirt by morning? Dumbass!
Besides Matthias drunken request that Lauren “kiss me bye bye” (vomit), it didn’t look like they had any actual make out sessions, but that’s probably good because according to his MySpace page, Matthias is married. Homeslice is also only 24. What? He doesn’t look 24 here; he actually looks like that guy Goldie Hawn almost married in “Private Benjamin.”
Meanwhile, back in the states, Heidi showed off her newly plumped lips while visiting her parents in Colorado. Spencer jumped a plane in an effort to woo Ms. Heidi, but she and her family appeared less than enthused by his arrival. Their exchanges were really just so ridiculous, though, I don’t even want to talk about it.
Oh yeah, Brody has a new girlfriend. But previews for the season show a re-appearance of Stephen (looking a little sickly) so Lauren will probably not be hurting for the mens.
And while I appreciated MTV randomly telling us what music was playing, Lauren and Whitney’s Crillon Ball entrance music was recycled from the “Sex and the City" series finale when Carrie leaves the museum, and dashes across town to her fan club party.
Also, they totally should have had Heidi performing her latest "single" at the after party instead of Mariah Carey.
Monday, March 17, 2008
I haven’t watched “The Bachelor” for several seasons, but encouraged by my “Bachelor” fan-girl Nicole, I tuned in tonight, and Jesus Christ, it is a fabulous train wreck of reality gold.
This season’s bachelor is British banker Matt. He’s tall, dark, handsome blah blah blah. But let’s get to his crackheads.
What most amused me in the first half hour was the description of these women’s jobs. We had the requisite “event planner” and “pharmaceutical sales” whores, but this season we were also blessed with a “former Bush aide,” someone who was in “church marketing” and a 33-year-old HOT DOG VENDOR.
Matt is apparently down with God and street meat, because those two made it to the next round, but Karl Rove’s biggest fan was out a luck.
Sadly, so was Stacey. Ah, Stacey. With her sparkly blue stripper dress, tramp stamp and slurry “hey baby” greeting, I figured Little Sally Slutpants was a shoo-in.
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Too bad she was bored by Matt’s banter with Erin, and could only sputter something about an electric car when asked what she knew about London. She does, however, want to use her degree in nutrition to come up with cures for diseases people haven’t even heard of yet. Super!
I think she might be more into spreading than containing diseases, though, as Stacey concluded her time with Matt by stuffing her underwear into his pocket-less (really?) pants. She later passed out on a random mattress, but pulled it together in time to not get a rose, and tell that camera that Matt didn’t know what he was missing.
Meanwhile, there’s Shayne. When Shayne popped out of the limo, I texted Nicole with “what’s up porn star?” Turns out I’m not too far off, as her dad is Lorenzo Lamas of “Renegade” fame, and her former stepmother is Playboy playmate and Lucite heel enthusiast Shauna Sands. Please let Shayne get to the final four “home visit” phase so we can see Lorenzo interact with Matt. It’s all I really need.
She was also on that MTV douche-fest twentyfourseven as a love interest to one of the young lads.
What else? Well, the first impression rose went to some skinny chick who gets hiccups when she’s nervous. Event planner Erin keeps her lip gloss in her bra, and that church management chick literally bit a chunk out of an empty beer can.
Tune in next week. I'm thinking it's going to be the most whore-tastic rose ceremony ever.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
I wasn't too enthused by Janet Jackson's last album, 20 Y.O. I don't even think I listened to the album all the way through. Fans apparently felt the same way, as the album barely registered on the charts.
Janet's looking to bounce back with "Discipline," a streaming version of which I was listening to today on imeem.com. The first half of the album is more dance-oriented, with the opening song "Feedback" serving as the album's most catchy song, in my opinion (video above). It was on repeat today as I tried to make it through the afternoon.
I was hoping "Rock With U" would be more of a sendup of brother Michael's 1979 hit "Rock with You," but it's actually more of a Kylie-esque disco/pop number that's growing on me somewhat. "Luv", "Rollercoaster" and "2Nite" aren't bad either, though not as infectious as "Feedback."
The rest of the album is a few slow songs, the annoying 30-second "talking" blurbs she always has on her albums and some random songs that didn't really capture my attention. Overall, it seems like an improvement over her last album, though I'll probably just buy a few individual songs instead of the whole album.
I do hope she goes on tour again, though, because the "All For You" tour I saw back in 2001, I think, was one of the better major concerts I've seen.
I'm a little late to the party on this one, but Tina Fey hosted SNL this past weekend, and reminded me why "30 Rock" needs to return stat. This particular sketch, which rips on those pills that only give you your period 4 times a year, is hysterical. That shot of Tina with the pink axe is now my computer background.
Also, check out Tina as Daisy from "Rock of Love 2."
Sunday, February 24, 2008
1145pm - A very serious looking Denzel presents Best Picture. And No Country sweeps the awards; gets a standing O from Cormac McCarthy.
1143pm - Best Director - Coen Brothers. Forgot Joel was married to Frances McDormand.
1130pm - Helen Mirren, gorgeous. Best Actor. Is Johnny Depp chewing gum? Daniel Day Lewis gets it, obviously. Yeah, I'm digging the Irish tonight.
1123pm - Harrison Ford. seems. very. tired. Best Original Screenplay ... Diablo Cody. Duh. I don't know about that dress.
1115pm - Tom Hanks for documentary feature. Taxi to the Dark Side. Lost again; I went with No End in Sight.
1113pm - Soldiers in Iraq presenting documentary short. Skinny lady in silver dress wins something about gay soldiers? Irony.
1109pm - Amy Adams presents Best Original score - Atonement.
1101pm - Hilary Swank and the dead people.
1059pm - Cameron Diaz is having issues with the word "cinematography" - does it really matter? There Will Be Blood takes it; first award of the night for that movie?
1057pm - They let the Best Song girl come back out and talk about hope. *tear*
1049pm - John Travolta dances around, presents Best Song. Falling Slowly, Once gets it. Finally get something on my Oscar pool. They're cute tho. They cut the girl off, whoopsies. (Jon: God, that guy is so arrogant)
1046pm - More songs from Enchanted. They make Amy Adams waltz around the stage but not McDreamy?
1042pm - Penelope Cruz, stunning. Foreign Language Film. EW told me The Counterfeiters was a shoo-in. And they are correct!
1031pm - Nicole Kidman, sporting a tiny baby bump. Hello, diamonds. And botox? Ooh, closeup of Cameron not very flattering. Honorary Oscar time. Channel surfing time. George Lopez on Nick or Deuce Bigalow on TBS. Hmmm.
1029pm - Renee Zelweger, looking as cupie doll as ever. Presenting film editing. Bourne Ultimatum gets it. Where's Matt Damon?
1028pm - Best Picture montage. I really was not a fan of "Crash"
1023pm - Jack's back, and not in sunglasses. He's drunk. Are they giving out Best Picture before director and original screenplay? And Best Actor?
1018pm - Stewart playing the Wii against the "August Rush" singer. Colin Farrell almost bites it while walking onstage. His hair grease, perhaps? He's "chuffed" for this performance.
10:10pm - Best Actress: Marion Cotilliard, La Vie En Rose. "Thank you life, thank you love. It is true there are some angels in this city."
10:03pm - Superbad kids as Halle Berry and Judy Dench. Bourne Ultimatum gets sound editing. EW led me astray to Transformers! I had to roll my eyes at Shia's Strokes t-shirt. Bourne also takes sound mixing. I so lost my $5 Oscar pool money.
10:01pm - "Angelina couldn't be with us tonight. It's tough to get 17 babysitters on such short notice."
954pm - I thought Hannah Montana was performing but she's just introducing Kristin Chenowith and another song from Enchanted. It reminds me of a strange high school production. Kristin seems subdued.
947pm - Josh Brolin and James McAvoy for Best Adapted Screenplay. I'm liking James' Irish accent. And the Coen brothers take it. "We've only adapted Homer and Cormac McCarthy."
945pm - Jessica Alba salutes the geeks. "Two women pregnant at the Oscars. But then again, the night is still young. And Jack is here. Perhaps sir, we will re-tally at the end of the night."
936pm - Best Supporting Actress. Tilda Swinton for Michael Clayton. Her agent apparently looks like Oscar ("the buttocks too"). Gives George kudos for climbing into the Batman & Robin suit every day ("with the nipples") under his costume.
931pm - Jerry Seinfeld - NO MORE BEE MOVIE! A montage of bees in movies?! Animated short; I think I went with the Walrus one. Nope, Peter and the Wolf. Oh look, the guy has a scary doll.
929pm - What did Owen Wilson get nominated for? Tenenbaums? Indeed, as a writer. Live Action Short goes to the Frenchies.
9:25pm - They're introducing Keri Russell as the star of "August Rush" and not "Waitress"? Oh, I guess they're going to sing a song from "August Rush." Can't wait ...
9:24pm - An Oscar salute to bincoluars and periscopes and bad dreams.
9:22pm - Jon Stewart: I believe he told his mother where the library is.
9:17pm - Duh, Javier wins it. No, it's not Penelope next to him, it's his mom. Look up, Tommy Lee! I don't know what he just said to his mom, but it sounded good.
9:15pm - A look back at past Supporting Actor winners. Cuba Gooding Jr's not there? Shooting go over on Snow Dogs 2?
9:10pm - Queen Cate, looking lovely. Presenting Art Direction. I'm thinking Sweeney Todd? And Sweeney Todd it is. That's some red lipstick on Johnny's gf Vanessa Paradis. Love the key-shaped necklace, though.
9:06pm - The Rock - I'm sorry, Duane Johnson - presenting Best Visual Effects. I just muted him. Don't they usually give out Best Supporting Actress as one of the first awards? I think I picked Transformers, because Entertainment Weekly told me to. EW, you led me astray! The Golden Compass gets it. Wow, they're quite excited. ("I JUST WANT TO SAY THANK YOOOOU!!")
9:03pm - Ok, I just tried to fast forward through the commercials and then remembered I'm actually watching live TV for once. I heart my DVR.
9pm - Amy Adams performs the Enchanted song. What, no computer-enhanced rats and cockroaches?
8:56pm - Katherine Heigl: best makeup. She's looking thin and scared shitless. I went with La Vie en Rose, I think. And Frenchies for the win!
8:51pm - Michael Scott! "You never seem to amaze me with your constant need for attention." I think he just said shit. "Is this being shown in Belgium?! Shit." Ok, I guessed the rat movie for the office poll. Woo, I'm 1-1.
8:47pm - George Clooney introducing "80 Years of Oscar" ... woo, montages. Wow, those gold Oscar jumpsuits are something. Oh God, not the Titanic theme song.
8:41pm - Jennifer Garner: costume design. Hair's a little messy, sweetheart. I think I picked Sweeney Todd for my office pool on this one. God damnit, losing already. It goes to Elizabeth: The Golden Age.
8:36pm - Political chat. Is Penelope sitting next to Javier?
8:32pm - Jon Stewart. "Welcome to the makeup sex."
8:16pm - Amy Adams is performing a song from "Enchanted" later. Shooting daggers at ABC correspondent for mentioning that she'll be singing in front of "billions with a 'b'" people tonight.
8:15pm - Dear Lord, what is Daniel Day Lewis' wife wearing?
8:14pm - Helen Mirren: I'm playing a madam in a whorehouse. Love her.
8:12pm - Jennifer Garner has emerged from the Busey encounter unscathed. No! She is using Rachael Zoe as her personal stylist. How long until she fades away to the under-85lbs club?
8:07pm - Mmm, Javier Bardem. Aw, he brought his mother. And now he's speaking Spanish. Yum.
8:05pm - In the meantime, it's George. This chick is apparently my age. I'm not sure if that depresses me.
8:01pm - Damnit, I forgot there was an ABC pre-show. I just sat through an hour of E! bullshit, though Gary Busey attacking Seacrest and a frightened looking Jennifer Garner was pretty great. Why was he there!?