Emmy Time Whores ...
8:01pm - Musical number by Stewie and Brian from "Family Guy" ... at least Ryan is not singing. Ooh, Zach Braff burn. Cut to TR during Isaiah joke. Nice.
8:03pm - Is Ryan's intro music really "Party Like a Rock Star"?
8:04pm - Conan O'Brien looks a little haggard ("Like a cracked-out Robert Redford," says my roommate)
8:07pm - No singing ... thank God
8:08pm - Ray Romano. This round scenario is going to bother me. Whoops, technical difficulties ... Wife jokes. Hilarious ...
8:11pm - Ok, finally, a goddamn award. Jeremy Piven. Really? I love Ari, but I love Dwight more.
8:14pm - Seriously, what is Vanessa Williams wearing? I think a peacock died on her lap.
8:15pm - Best supporting actor in a drama is ... John Locke! Sparkly tie there, kid. Cookies and Wisteria Lane. Haha.
8:21pm - Sally Field does not look pleased to be referred to as a "legend"
8:22pm - Supporting actress in a comedy series is ... Jaime Pressly? These are some really weird selections tonight. Are all the votes for the good options cancelling each other out?!
8:25pm - "It's Hi-gull" - Katherine Heigl, after the announcer lady mispronounces her name.
8:33pm - Ellen should have hosted again. But is that a graduation tassle around her neck?
8:37pm - Supporting actress in a drama is ... Katherine Heigl. As she so eloquently put it, "Shit!" Sopranos are really getting shut out tonight.
8:44pm - Conan beats Stewart and Colbert!
8:45pm - Coming up, Queen Latifah celebrates the 30th anniversary of Roots! Par-tay!
8:47pm - That is a demonic little blonde girl in the Heinz ketchup commercial ...
8:50pm - Ooh, the carpet is made of recycled plastic? Thrilling.
8:51pm - Christina and Tony. Take that, Britney ... Do we really need all these dancers? Distracting. Christina's going all Fabulous Baker Boys on top of the piano. That was actually pretty boring. Not nearly as good as her "This is a Man's World" from the Grammy's.
8:53pm - Alec Baldwin. "Why don't you just treat your kid like shit" - my roommate.
8:56pm - Ali Larter, the whipped cream girl from "Varsity Blues" cheering Robert Duvall? Bizarro world in full effect. Nice dress, though, toots.
8:58pm - A Vanessa Hudgens joke? "Zoom out!" Seacrest barks. Really?
9:06pm - Honor the legacy of Roots, whores! Broken Trail gets ... an envelope? "The five Chinese girls were really the magic potion that held this thing together" - Robert Duvall. Alrighty, then ...
9:12pm - Finally, a Sopranos win. For directing, but a win nonetheless.
9:14pm - And again! David Chase gets an Emmy.
9:20pm - Yay! Steve Carrell. I love you, Jim! "For what? Best rack on the show?" LOL. I seriously can't wait for the season premiere. Hour-long episodes! JAM!
9:23pm - Jon Stewart gets another Emmy! And now Tony Bennett! Does that guy speaking mainline botox? He's very shiny. Oh, it's Tony's son. Must have got the hair genes from Mom. Bummer. Is that Heidi Fleiss in the background with Rob Marshall?
9:28pm - Outstanding supporting actress in a miniseries or movie is ... Judy Davis. "She's not walking down the aisle. She's not here, but I'm sure she'll be thrilled" - Marcia Cross.
9:35pm - How quickly do you think "Back to You" is going to be cancelled?
9:36pm - I'm not sure how I feel about Kyra Sedgwick's dress. Maybe if it didn't have that little poofy thing around her waist?
9:39pm - Is this the Tony's or the Emmy's? Who just passed that water bottle across the aisle? Need a little drinkie to get through the musical number, eh? That one kid looks petrified. Oh good, let's sing "Can't Take My Eyes Off You" while we drop Pussy's body off the boat and shoot Jackie Jr. in the back of the head, murder Adriana, etc ...
9:43pm - My hometown in NJ is probably eating this up. It really was a great show. Let's hope they don't lose the best drama nod ...
9:49pm - MORE miniseries nominations. Zzzz. Maybe Helen Mirren will win and say something amusing. Indeed she does. Not sure about that dress, but girlfriend still looks good. Only HM could taunt the award show orchestra.
9:53pm - Louis Black is angry. Did the news channels really start the crawl after 9/11? Learn something new every day. I think Charlie Sheen is back on drugs.
9:59pm - I should get "Prime Suspect" on DVD. My mom raves about it. Is Kanye really performing?
10:04pm - Are they seriously doing a MySpace tie-in? Oh yeah, Fox owns MySpace now ... and soon they will own YOU!! Rupert is probably giving this to Al Gore's Current network as a mercy Emmy. Let's all stand for Al again. RECYCLED RED CARPET, PEOPLE!!
10:07pm - Boob jokes about CBS shows?! The horror. The twins did look like they wanted to come out and play, though, Joely. Tony Bennett is sweeping the Emmy's tonite. Did he just thank Target for being wholesome?
10:09pm - I seriously need some sugar. Cupcakes, anyone?
10:13pm - "I'm not faking this. I really don't know what the hell I'm doing" - Elaine Stritch
10:18pm - "The Office" wins its first Emmy of the night for directing ... and the winner makes a Little Red Hen reference. That was my school play in kindergarten. I was a flower. I seriously can't remember the story of the LRH. I still want cupcakes.
10:23pm - Does Kitchen Nightmares differ from Hell's Kitchen?
10:23pm - Uh, Seacrest in Tudors gear. "You know, this looked a lot less gay on the rack. Can I keep it?" - Ryan. Not as good as Ellen in Bjork's swan gear
10:27pm - "You picked the wrong time to speak properly" - Wayne Brady to Kanye.
10:39pm - I would've liked to see a Steve Carrell acceptance speech, but I guess a chest bump with Jon Stewart will have to do.
10:41pm - No Edie Falco? WTF? This is1 a truly bizarre Emmy night (Sally Field gets actress in drama for Brothers & Sisters. Bleh)
10:43pm - So was Ray Romano criticizing the war earlier when he had "technical difficulties" too?
10:53pm - Ugly Betty takes the best actress statue. Eh. I was pulling for Tina Fey.
10:54pm - Ok, seriously if James Gandolfini doesn't get this ...
10:56pm - Bizarre! Bizarre! Fucking bizarre?! Seriously, James Spader has a point. WHO is voting for the Emmy's this year?!
10:59pm - Those Oreo Cakester things look a lot like Devil Dogs. Mmm, spongey chocolate with chemically enhanced creme filling ... No Tim Gunn, step away from Martha Stewart. Don't let her draw you into her evil Macy's vortex!!
11:02pm - YES! FINALLY! 30 ROCK WINS BEST COMEDY!!
11:05pm - Can you imagine if Britney actually had agreed to "perform" on this telecast? I seriously hope she's off somewhere avoiding the Oreo Cakesters and having non-stank extensions put in.
11:08pm - Seriously, if the Sopranos hadn't won, I would've thrown something.
11:09pm - Mariska Hargitay's husband is pretty hot ...