Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Don’t Go, Sweet BoomKat
By PopCultureWhore

Basically the only reason I’ve been watching “Making the Band 4” is for the contestants’ rousing renditions of “On Bended Knee” and the television gold that is choreographer Laurie Ann “BoomKat” Gibson.

So imagine my horror when my beloved BoomKat was chased off the screen by a grumpy Diddy, who disapproved of her positive feedback and only giving her boys five hours to learn a dance routine after he’d requested an entire weekend of booty shaking.

First of all, whatever “group” comes out of this TV show is not going to be the next musical phenomenon. We all know that. Danity Kane certainly had staying power, didn’t they? SO, knowing that, let’s focus on whatever drama and craziness we can stir up during the actual taping. And who better to bring the crazy than BoomKat? She’d probably cut me in a dark alley while doing the running man, but I love that bitch. Don’t disappoint me, Diddy. I don’t want shots of your kids lounging around a Manhattan loft. I want BoomKat in a black hoodie looking like she hasn’t decided whether to teach me an eight count dance routine or stuff my body in her trunk.

That being said, she’s apparently doing ok for herself, as she proudly announced on the video above. If doing ok for yourself includes wearing parachute pants and praising the Lord.
Scott Baio's Bitch Slap
By PopCultureWhore

I’ve just had a chance to peruse some of the trash I’ve accumulated on my DVR of late and the summer shit storm is in full effect. The selection that has prompted the most discussion among my friends, however, would be Vh1’s trainwreck “Scott Baio is 45 and Single”.

Baio, formerly of Chachi and Charles in Charge fame, is now 45 and questioning why he has yet to settle down. To wrap his head around this conundrum, Baio has hired a life coach, who has ordered him to remain celibate and track down his former girlfriends for insight on his lothario past. Think “High Fidelity” if that were written by a drunken producer from “The Surreal Life”.

Sample e-mails in the last few days alone include:

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“Dude, you’re 45 – COME ON!”

“I change a dozen diapers a day, open juice bags, run baths and Scott Baio finds flaws in gorgeous women.”

“Is he for real? Chicken?”

The last remark refers to Baio’s first ex-girlfriend visit, to which he brings a bucket of chicken from KFC as a gift – for no reason. She – and basically every other girlfriend Baio tracks down – tells him he was an asshole because he cheated on them relentlessly.

I’ll admit to wanting Charles in charge of me at one point, but I also had a thing for Davy Jones back in the day, so let’s not trust my judgment on 80s heartthrobs. Regardless, any love I had for Charles dissipated immediately upon viewing his extended adolescence.

Baio basically has contempt for any activity that doesn’t involve him guzzling liquor while two feet away from a stripper’s boobs or $10,000 worth of poker chips (are rerun royalties really that lucrative?). He says something to the effect of “There’s nothing I hate more than the sound of a woman’s voice in the morning” when his life coach phones him in Palm Springs with an assignment. The simplest tasks elicit temper tantrums. He almost has a seizure attending a “Happy Days” autograph signing event. His idiot best friend tries to sabotage his marriage efforts at every turn so he can sample Charles’ cast offs.

Time will tell if this is scarier than “The Two Coreys”, which apparently debuts tonight, but I don’t know if I can bring myself to actually watch. Basically I can’t wait for this to happen to our current teen sensations: “The Cheerleader is 37 and Lost Her Botox Prescription”, “Walt Will Kill You”, “Bravo Presents: Turtle’s New Entourage”, “Gilmore Trannies”, etc.