Tuesday, March 20, 2007

The Future of Meth
By PopCultureWhore

Stephanie Tanner has passed on her meth torch and Aaron Carter appears to be the grateful recipient. He and his butterface girlfriend dropped by some LA fashion event on their way to CVS for 15 packs of Sudafed and some Nyquil.

Meanwhile, remember this train wreck? It's Ally Hilfiger, daughter of designer Tommy. She and her former BFF Jamie starred on MTV's "Rich Girls", which likely kicked off the network's obsession with pampered teens a la "Laguna Beach" and "My Super Sweet 16". I vaguely remember Ally, Jamie and some other chick trying hard to remember who had invented electricity while lounging at Ally's family home in Mustique. Later, Ally freaked out about the food options in the home and called her father weeping, demanding to know why he had not been more strict with her. Maybe because he doesn't care about you, sweetie! He certainly didn't care enough about you to tell you that the red lipstick makes your chompers look like they could eat a baby rhino!

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JT And My Weird Dreams
By PopCultureWhore

Last night I had a dream that Justin Timberlake and I sang “Cry Me A River” at an outdoor concert complete with fake rain. Later, Joey Fatone, decked out in that 70s-inpsired number he sported on “Dancing with the Stars” this week, showed up with a BlackBerry full of unflattering Britney pictures. Take that for what it’s worth, but I don’t think I’ll be having my onstage moment with JT any time soon because he tells Details magazine that he regrets doing that “My Grammy Moment” where he sang with an American Idol reject. “I’m the nice guy who follows through on things he commits to,” he says. Note to self: get JT tanked and make him commit to being chained to my bed frame. I mean, the cover does say he just wants to be alone. He can totally chill with my DVR and some Slim Jims while I’m at work. He can’t wear that sweater, though. The stripe down the middle makes it look like he yacked on himself.

Lip Gloss, Spiky Bangs, Big Dreams
By Telly Whore

What do you get when you mix gorgeous hair, a few thirty-somethings pretending to be twenty somethings and beauty minus the brains in Las Vegas? PARADISE CITY!! Somehow, someway, the ever obnoxious Ryan Seacrest has managed to finagle another show out of the E! network. (Seriously, who is Ryan sleeping with over there?) As executive producer, he searched far and wide and came up with April the Playboy bunny, Molly the mean girl, Jenner the “nice” girl, Rick the un-player musician, JJ the baller, Jack the regular guy and a few other forgettable characters. I have no doubt that once MTV’s “The Hills” ends in about two weeks, this show is sure to be a hit.

Sunday’s episode kicked off with April’s penthouse birthday party, hosted and sponsored by none other than JJ the baller, who works at The Palms casino hotel. He makes it perfectly clear that he likes April (a lot, judging by the Tiffany box he gave her) and intends to purchase her affection. Even though April-bunny leaves the party with the laid-back Rick, JJ still invites April on a sugar-daddy date complete with a private jet, floor seats at a Sacramento Kings basketball game, and Sacramento King’s memorabilia. (Screw you Holly, Bridget, and Kendra, you’re not the only Playgirls that get the royal treatment!) Unfortunately for JJ, April forgets the first rules of gold-digger appreciation, “you must give when you receive.” How much is it going to cost JJ to make April forget Rick? My guess is one more penthouse suite, a shopping spree, and three more Tiffany boxes.


Speaking of buying women’s integrity and dignity, JJ took a more chivalrous route with poor, unfortunate Greta. After dropping $1500 of cold, hard cash, he was still unable to convince Greta to lose her pants and drop it like it’s hot on a stripper pole in the suite’s shower. Here’s a hint for JJ, women are way cheaper than they used to be…try a little more liquor and a compliment, save the money.

Moving on, what would reality TV be without a love triangle? In Paradise City, it goes a little something like this:

TV host Molly ...

... likes Jack, who likes Jenner ...

... I think Jenner likes Jack, so of course, Molly despises Jenner and makes little effort to conceal it. To prove just what a “mean girl” she is, Molly invited Jenner for lunch, faking concern for Jenner’s struggling online magazine. (So fetch!) During the lunch powwow, Molly takes on the personality of a rabid pit bull, hurling questions at Jenner about her lack of ambition, making certain to remind Jenner how she made it possible for Jenner to interview her friends. And oh yeah, “Why does Jack like you?” For Molly’s sake, I hope her mean girl antics keep her warm at night while Jack is keeping Jenner warm.

Needless to say, Jenner leaves the meeting feeling a little salty. Could this be the reason she accepts the date with Jack? Maybe. Maybe not. Intimate candlelight, a hotel room, conversation, blah, blah, blah. Boring with a capital ‘B.’ Though Jack and Jenner did manage to exchange more sarcastic banter than Will and Grace.

Word of advice to Ryan, just spend the money and hire some real writers. Look what it did for “The Hills”.

BTW, who the hell is Willie?