9pm - BRITNEY! Um, I don't know about that outfit, sister friend. Ok, could girlfriend have had any less energy? She's barely dancing. Get into it!! That was awful. Wasn't she supposed to disappear Criss Angel style or something? She looked seriously nervous and was obviously lip synching. Nothing came out when she said "thank you" at the end. I have lost all faith in my popstar whores. Video HERE.
9:04pm - Sarah Silverman. Ouch.
9:10pm - Let's preview the parties. Ooh, Justin. "I would probably just take off my clothes," says my roommate.
9:12pm - Monster Single of the Year. Rhianna "Umbrella". Is it bad that I've never actually heard this song all the way through? That dress kind of looks like a bad bridesmaid gown.
9:15pm - Kanye in one of those suites with the skytop pools. Sampling Daft Punk? Is this on his new album? Not digging the white shades. I wonder how much damage those people are going to do to that suite?
9:21pm - Akon kind of annoys me. He's kind of shoved to the side.
9:22pm - Yay, Seth Rogen. He's with the guy who played his partner in "Superbad" ... they're also stuffed at a makeshift gambling table.
9:23pm - JHud and Robin Thicke. His father is the dad from "Growing Pains" apparently and that's all I know about him except that he's cute in a metrosexual way. Quadruple threat? JUSTIN! "I want to challenge MTV to play more videos" ... he's probably wasted. That would make it easier to take advantage of him. I mean, congrats Justin!
Meanwhile, more Britney pics going up online ...
9:31pm - Foo Fighters. What's up ninth grade? Is MTV doing these little mini performances from the suites because of the collective ADD of its audience?
9:33pm - Kanye and 50 ... ooh, fake face-off. No banter. How cutting edge. Let me guess. Kanye's album is going to be about Gucci purses and 50's going to sing about getting shot and driving Ferraris. The end.
9:34pm - Earthshattering Collaboration = Beyonce feat. Shakira. I've also never heard this song all the way through because Shakira's voice gives me seizures. Whoa, Beyonce. Keep the girls in your dress. That double-sided tape must be holding on for dear life!
9:41pm - I'm already bored ... I don't want these people making their way through a crowded suite. I want them on stage in elaborate performances. Thanks.
9:43pm - Chris Brown does Charlie Chaplin. Boy can dance. Britney shoud have collaborated with him instead of Criss Angel. Um, looks like he is turning to Brit for lip syncing advice, though. Did he just forget to sing the first few words of the song?
9:46pm - Rihanna. Dominatrix chic. At least she's singing live? Well, as she got closer to Chis Brown, is sounded less and less like she was singing live.
9:47pm - Obligatory Michael Jackson tribute. If MJ and his melting face actually show up ... nope.
9:54pm - Farnsworth Bentley. Where the hell have you been?
9:57pm - The Hills ladies. Lauren, lipstick's too red. Justin wins for best male video. LC basically ignores him. What? He gives props to Chris Brown. Ooh, he just knocked MTV's lineup in front of the cast of its most popular reality show. Nice.
10pm - Speaking of MTV programming, promo for MySpace "star" Tila Tequila's upcoming reality stars. Premise? 16 lesbians, 16 straight guys. Who will she pick?! Kill me.
10:03pm - Promo for "Beowulf" with Angelina. Ick. Looks like she's doing another awful attempt at an accent. Wasn't "Alexander" punishment enough?!
10:04pm - 50 with Justin and Timbaland. Backstage, Britney is crying.
10:06pm - Shia LaBeouf. Porn stache?
10:08pm - Pamela Anderson needs to give it up. Her tongue down someone's throat in the desert? Next.
10:09pm - MORE Kanye. Christ, is there no one else there?
10:17pm - Who is Eugene Montross? I have no idea.
10:18pm - The Transformers whore who is sleeping with David Silver. Eh, I guess she's pretty?
10:19pm - Timbaland from Rain nightclub. He's really making the rounds tonight. Whoever set up the logistics for this show is probably going to need a strong drink when it's all over. Who the fuck is onstage right now? Linkin Park? Yeah, it is ... "I bleed it out, take it deeper just to throw it away." What? I'm getting antsy.
10:23pm - Ooh, Adrien Grenier. He has a video camera ... probably for that "documentary" he's doing about celebrity with the help of Ms. Hilton. Fall Out Boy ... Pete Wentz is tiny. This format is annoying. Get out of the shot, stupid extras!!
10:30pm - Rihanna's joining the suite parties. She's going to poke her eyes out with those earrings.
10:34pm - Alicia Keys. Girlfriend sounds good. That outfit, however ... It's a cover of "Freedom" ... brings down the house.
10:45pm - Jamie Foxx is annoying Jennifer Garner. Did she just say "Gym Class Fall Out" won the award? Awesome.
10:48am - That dumbass pageant girl is babbling about something ...
10:57pm - Shit, is Dr. Dre on steroids?
11:01pm - Did something actually happen between Tommy Lee and Kid Rock? I guess so.
11:05pm - Is Nelly Furtado performing with drag queens?
11:06pm - Do Timbaland and Dre have the same trainer?
11:08pm - Open with Britney, end with Justin ...
11:09pm - Dance for me, Justin ...
11:23pm - Um, so much for MTV not re-airing the show?