Sunday, September 16, 2007

Emmy Time Whores ...
by PopCultureWhore

8:01pm - Musical number by Stewie and Brian from "Family Guy" ... at least Ryan is not singing. Ooh, Zach Braff burn. Cut to TR during Isaiah joke. Nice.

8:03pm - Is Ryan's intro music really "Party Like a Rock Star"?

8:04pm - Conan O'Brien looks a little haggard ("Like a cracked-out Robert Redford," says my roommate)

8:07pm - No singing ... thank God

8:08pm - Ray Romano. This round scenario is going to bother me. Whoops, technical difficulties ... Wife jokes. Hilarious ...

8:11pm - Ok, finally, a goddamn award. Jeremy Piven. Really? I love Ari, but I love Dwight more.

8:14pm - Seriously, what is Vanessa Williams wearing? I think a peacock died on her lap.

8:15pm - Best supporting actor in a drama is ... John Locke! Sparkly tie there, kid. Cookies and Wisteria Lane. Haha.

8:21pm - Sally Field does not look pleased to be referred to as a "legend"

8:22pm - Supporting actress in a comedy series is ... Jaime Pressly? These are some really weird selections tonight. Are all the votes for the good options cancelling each other out?!

8:25pm - "It's Hi-gull" - Katherine Heigl, after the announcer lady mispronounces her name.

8:33pm - Ellen should have hosted again. But is that a graduation tassle around her neck?

8:37pm - Supporting actress in a drama is ... Katherine Heigl. As she so eloquently put it, "Shit!" Sopranos are really getting shut out tonight.

8:44pm - Conan beats Stewart and Colbert!

8:45pm - Coming up, Queen Latifah celebrates the 30th anniversary of Roots! Par-tay!

8:47pm - That is a demonic little blonde girl in the Heinz ketchup commercial ...

8:50pm - Ooh, the carpet is made of recycled plastic? Thrilling.

8:51pm - Christina and Tony. Take that, Britney ... Do we really need all these dancers? Distracting. Christina's going all Fabulous Baker Boys on top of the piano. That was actually pretty boring. Not nearly as good as her "This is a Man's World" from the Grammy's.

8:53pm - Alec Baldwin. "Why don't you just treat your kid like shit" - my roommate.

8:56pm - Ali Larter, the whipped cream girl from "Varsity Blues" cheering Robert Duvall? Bizarro world in full effect. Nice dress, though, toots.

8:58pm - A Vanessa Hudgens joke? "Zoom out!" Seacrest barks. Really?

9:06pm - Honor the legacy of Roots, whores! Broken Trail gets ... an envelope? "The five Chinese girls were really the magic potion that held this thing together" - Robert Duvall. Alrighty, then ...

9:12pm - Finally, a Sopranos win. For directing, but a win nonetheless.

9:14pm - And again! David Chase gets an Emmy.

9:20pm - Yay! Steve Carrell. I love you, Jim! "For what? Best rack on the show?" LOL. I seriously can't wait for the season premiere. Hour-long episodes! JAM!

9:23pm - Jon Stewart gets another Emmy! And now Tony Bennett! Does that guy speaking mainline botox? He's very shiny. Oh, it's Tony's son. Must have got the hair genes from Mom. Bummer. Is that Heidi Fleiss in the background with Rob Marshall?

9:28pm - Outstanding supporting actress in a miniseries or movie is ... Judy Davis. "She's not walking down the aisle. She's not here, but I'm sure she'll be thrilled" - Marcia Cross.

9:35pm - How quickly do you think "Back to You" is going to be cancelled?

9:36pm - I'm not sure how I feel about Kyra Sedgwick's dress. Maybe if it didn't have that little poofy thing around her waist?

9:39pm - Is this the Tony's or the Emmy's? Who just passed that water bottle across the aisle? Need a little drinkie to get through the musical number, eh? That one kid looks petrified. Oh good, let's sing "Can't Take My Eyes Off You" while we drop Pussy's body off the boat and shoot Jackie Jr. in the back of the head, murder Adriana, etc ...

9:43pm - My hometown in NJ is probably eating this up. It really was a great show. Let's hope they don't lose the best drama nod ...

9:49pm - MORE miniseries nominations. Zzzz. Maybe Helen Mirren will win and say something amusing. Indeed she does. Not sure about that dress, but girlfriend still looks good. Only HM could taunt the award show orchestra.

9:53pm - Louis Black is angry. Did the news channels really start the crawl after 9/11? Learn something new every day. I think Charlie Sheen is back on drugs.

9:59pm - I should get "Prime Suspect" on DVD. My mom raves about it. Is Kanye really performing?

10:04pm - Are they seriously doing a MySpace tie-in? Oh yeah, Fox owns MySpace now ... and soon they will own YOU!! Rupert is probably giving this to Al Gore's Current network as a mercy Emmy. Let's all stand for Al again. RECYCLED RED CARPET, PEOPLE!!

10:07pm - Boob jokes about CBS shows?! The horror. The twins did look like they wanted to come out and play, though, Joely. Tony Bennett is sweeping the Emmy's tonite. Did he just thank Target for being wholesome?

10:09pm - I seriously need some sugar. Cupcakes, anyone?

10:13pm - "I'm not faking this. I really don't know what the hell I'm doing" - Elaine Stritch

10:18pm - "The Office" wins its first Emmy of the night for directing ... and the winner makes a Little Red Hen reference. That was my school play in kindergarten. I was a flower. I seriously can't remember the story of the LRH. I still want cupcakes.

10:23pm - Does Kitchen Nightmares differ from Hell's Kitchen?

10:23pm - Uh, Seacrest in Tudors gear. "You know, this looked a lot less gay on the rack. Can I keep it?" - Ryan. Not as good as Ellen in Bjork's swan gear

10:27pm - "You picked the wrong time to speak properly" - Wayne Brady to Kanye.

10:39pm - I would've liked to see a Steve Carrell acceptance speech, but I guess a chest bump with Jon Stewart will have to do.

10:41pm - No Edie Falco? WTF? This is1 a truly bizarre Emmy night (Sally Field gets actress in drama for Brothers & Sisters. Bleh)

10:43pm - So was Ray Romano criticizing the war earlier when he had "technical difficulties" too?

10:53pm - Ugly Betty takes the best actress statue. Eh. I was pulling for Tina Fey.

10:54pm - Ok, seriously if James Gandolfini doesn't get this ...

10:56pm - Bizarre! Bizarre! Fucking bizarre?! Seriously, James Spader has a point. WHO is voting for the Emmy's this year?!

10:59pm - Those Oreo Cakester things look a lot like Devil Dogs. Mmm, spongey chocolate with chemically enhanced creme filling ... No Tim Gunn, step away from Martha Stewart. Don't let her draw you into her evil Macy's vortex!!


11:05pm - Can you imagine if Britney actually had agreed to "perform" on this telecast? I seriously hope she's off somewhere avoiding the Oreo Cakesters and having non-stank extensions put in.

11:08pm - Seriously, if the Sopranos hadn't won, I would've thrown something.

11:09pm - Mariska Hargitay's husband is pretty hot ...

Sunday, September 09, 2007

The Reviews Are In ...
by PopCultureWhore

AP - Somewhere, Kevin Federline is laughing. An out-of-shape, out-of-touch Britney Spears delivered what was destined to be the most talked about performance of the MTV Video Music Awards — but for all the wrong reasons. Not as fit as she was in her "...Baby One More Time" days, Spears still had the look of the young pop star.

Reuters - Faded pop star Britney Spears launched her highly anticipated comeback at the MTV Video Music Awards on Sunday, dressing up like a stripper to deliver a curious performance of her new single.

DListed - Was she stoned?! Did she not care? Did she think this was a rehearsal? I mean......that was it? For real?! They are joking right? Where were the mirrors? I mean...WTF?! I'm so fucking confused.

New York Daily News - Britney, eyes glassy, could barely keep time to the music and by the end wasn't even mouthing the words to her own song ... 50 Cent looked like he might have just thrown up in his mouth.
That's It?!
By PopCultureWhore

9pm - BRITNEY! Um, I don't know about that outfit, sister friend. Ok, could girlfriend have had any less energy? She's barely dancing. Get into it!! That was awful. Wasn't she supposed to disappear Criss Angel style or something? She looked seriously nervous and was obviously lip synching. Nothing came out when she said "thank you" at the end. I have lost all faith in my popstar whores. Video HERE.

9:04pm - Sarah Silverman. Ouch.

9:10pm - Let's preview the parties. Ooh, Justin. "I would probably just take off my clothes," says my roommate.

9:12pm - Monster Single of the Year. Rhianna "Umbrella". Is it bad that I've never actually heard this song all the way through? That dress kind of looks like a bad bridesmaid gown.

9:15pm - Kanye in one of those suites with the skytop pools. Sampling Daft Punk? Is this on his new album? Not digging the white shades. I wonder how much damage those people are going to do to that suite?

9:21pm - Akon kind of annoys me. He's kind of shoved to the side.

9:22pm - Yay, Seth Rogen. He's with the guy who played his partner in "Superbad" ... they're also stuffed at a makeshift gambling table.

9:23pm - JHud and Robin Thicke. His father is the dad from "Growing Pains" apparently and that's all I know about him except that he's cute in a metrosexual way. Quadruple threat? JUSTIN! "I want to challenge MTV to play more videos" ... he's probably wasted. That would make it easier to take advantage of him. I mean, congrats Justin!

Meanwhile, more Britney pics going up online ...

9:31pm - Foo Fighters. What's up ninth grade? Is MTV doing these little mini performances from the suites because of the collective ADD of its audience?

9:33pm - Kanye and 50 ... ooh, fake face-off. No banter. How cutting edge. Let me guess. Kanye's album is going to be about Gucci purses and 50's going to sing about getting shot and driving Ferraris. The end.

9:34pm - Earthshattering Collaboration = Beyonce feat. Shakira. I've also never heard this song all the way through because Shakira's voice gives me seizures. Whoa, Beyonce. Keep the girls in your dress. That double-sided tape must be holding on for dear life!

9:41pm - I'm already bored ... I don't want these people making their way through a crowded suite. I want them on stage in elaborate performances. Thanks.

9:43pm - Chris Brown does Charlie Chaplin. Boy can dance. Britney shoud have collaborated with him instead of Criss Angel. Um, looks like he is turning to Brit for lip syncing advice, though. Did he just forget to sing the first few words of the song?

9:46pm - Rihanna. Dominatrix chic. At least she's singing live? Well, as she got closer to Chis Brown, is sounded less and less like she was singing live.

9:47pm - Obligatory Michael Jackson tribute. If MJ and his melting face actually show up ... nope.

9:54pm - Farnsworth Bentley. Where the hell have you been?

9:57pm - The Hills ladies. Lauren, lipstick's too red. Justin wins for best male video. LC basically ignores him. What? He gives props to Chris Brown. Ooh, he just knocked MTV's lineup in front of the cast of its most popular reality show. Nice.

10pm - Speaking of MTV programming, promo for MySpace "star" Tila Tequila's upcoming reality stars. Premise? 16 lesbians, 16 straight guys. Who will she pick?! Kill me.

10:03pm - Promo for "Beowulf" with Angelina. Ick. Looks like she's doing another awful attempt at an accent. Wasn't "Alexander" punishment enough?!

10:04pm - 50 with Justin and Timbaland. Backstage, Britney is crying.

10:06pm - Shia LaBeouf. Porn stache?

10:08pm - Pamela Anderson needs to give it up. Her tongue down someone's throat in the desert? Next.

10:09pm - MORE Kanye. Christ, is there no one else there?

10:17pm - Who is Eugene Montross? I have no idea.

10:18pm - The Transformers whore who is sleeping with David Silver. Eh, I guess she's pretty?

10:19pm - Timbaland from Rain nightclub. He's really making the rounds tonight. Whoever set up the logistics for this show is probably going to need a strong drink when it's all over. Who the fuck is onstage right now? Linkin Park? Yeah, it is ... "I bleed it out, take it deeper just to throw it away." What? I'm getting antsy.

10:23pm - Ooh, Adrien Grenier. He has a video camera ... probably for that "documentary" he's doing about celebrity with the help of Ms. Hilton. Fall Out Boy ... Pete Wentz is tiny. This format is annoying. Get out of the shot, stupid extras!!

10:30pm - Rihanna's joining the suite parties. She's going to poke her eyes out with those earrings.

10:34pm - Alicia Keys. Girlfriend sounds good. That outfit, however ... It's a cover of "Freedom" ... brings down the house.

10:45pm - Jamie Foxx is annoying Jennifer Garner. Did she just say "Gym Class Fall Out" won the award? Awesome.

10:48am - That dumbass pageant girl is babbling about something ...

10:57pm - Shit, is Dr. Dre on steroids?

11:01pm - Did something actually happen between Tommy Lee and Kid Rock? I guess so.

11:05pm - Is Nelly Furtado performing with drag queens?

11:06pm - Do Timbaland and Dre have the same trainer?

11:08pm - Open with Britney, end with Justin ...

11:09pm - Dance for me, Justin ...

11:23pm - Um, so much for MTV not re-airing the show?

T-Minus 20 Minutes Until Britney
By PopCultureWhore

VMA pre-show is going strong. Basically all the VJ's have been instructed to ask all attendees about a) Britney Spears and b) the Kanye/50 Cent chart showdown next week and c) whether they will be hitting parties after the show. Duh.

8:32 pm – Pussycat Nicole. Um, ok is that her climbing around inside the box? Yes, it is. I wonder what kind of shampoo she uses. This setup kind of makes it look like she’s a whore in an Amsterdam red light district window. That dancer just kissed her kneecap? John Norris (who might want to lay off the highlights) just called her limber.

I love that AP news tagged Brody Jenner as a "socialite" in the picture slugs. I suppose that's appropriate, though. I also wonder what shampoo he uses.

8:40pm - Who the hell are Gym Class Heroes? I'm getting old.

8:41pm - Ludacris and Jennifer Hudson. What has she been up to? Ludacris is a Virgo. Luda-Day Weekend, yo. Mmm, birthday cake. JHud wants some Britney. Ludacris thinks the Britney record is "jammin".

8:42pm - Paris and the new haircut looks almost demure. WTF?

8:43pm - Kanye's tux looks a tad too snug for him. He wants Video of the Year because "people don't remember number two," he said. Kanye decided that he and 50's album should come out on the same day. "We wanted to do something to create the hype and we did."

8:45pm - Jennifer Garner and Jamie Foxx. Jennifer seems like she's a bit too old to be there. Ten more years and Violet will be squeezing into teen gear and hamming it up, Jen.

Looks like these whores are still together ...

8:50pm - Paris Hilton in leopard Dolce and Gabana. She's been in Toronto filming a movie called Repo. Um, right. "We haven't heard much from you since you were locked up," says Sway. LOL. Blah blah entrepreneur blah blah. Sway: Enjoy your freedom! Classic.

8:52pm - Pharell and his posse from Clipse. Brit VJ boy: In a word, how excited are you to see Britney? Pharell: I'm excited. I'm here to support my man Timbaland, I'm here to support Justin. Snap.

"Oh my God" -- my roommate's reaction to John Norris and his eyeliner.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

It’s Britney, Bitch
By PopCultureWhore

I’m currently rocking out to a new Britney Spears song. And no, I’m not having a flashback to 1999. A few new Britney tracks have leaked to the Internet in the past few weeks and, on the whole, they are basically a testament to why she should lay off the Parliament lights and perhaps re-hire her entire management team. It appears that all is not lost, however, with the release of “Gimme More”, which I hope is the song she will “sing” at the upcoming MTV VMAs in Vegas. The lyrics are basically about how people can’t keep their eyes off her and her current flame at a dance club (“cameras are flashing while we’re dirty dancing”), but it’s a catchy dance record, and there are hints of Britney circa “I’m a Slave 4 U”. There’s no way she could ever pull off this song with a live mic, but do we really turn to Britney for vocal chops? Now if she could just dump those damn knee-high boots for some Louboutins and the awful wigs for some professional extensions, we might be back in business.