Scott Baio's Bitch Slap
I’ve just had a chance to peruse some of the trash I’ve accumulated on my DVR of late and the summer shit storm is in full effect. The selection that has prompted the most discussion among my friends, however, would be Vh1’s trainwreck “Scott Baio is 45 and Single”.
Baio, formerly of Chachi and Charles in Charge fame, is now 45 and questioning why he has yet to settle down. To wrap his head around this conundrum, Baio has hired a life coach, who has ordered him to remain celibate and track down his former girlfriends for insight on his lothario past. Think “High Fidelity” if that were written by a drunken producer from “The Surreal Life”.
Sample e-mails in the last few days alone include:
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“Dude, you’re 45 – COME ON!”
“I change a dozen diapers a day, open juice bags, run baths and Scott Baio finds flaws in gorgeous women.”
“Is he for real? Chicken?”
The last remark refers to Baio’s first ex-girlfriend visit, to which he brings a bucket of chicken from KFC as a gift – for no reason. She – and basically every other girlfriend Baio tracks down – tells him he was an asshole because he cheated on them relentlessly.
I’ll admit to wanting Charles in charge of me at one point, but I also had a thing for Davy Jones back in the day, so let’s not trust my judgment on 80s heartthrobs. Regardless, any love I had for Charles dissipated immediately upon viewing his extended adolescence.
Baio basically has contempt for any activity that doesn’t involve him guzzling liquor while two feet away from a stripper’s boobs or $10,000 worth of poker chips (are rerun royalties really that lucrative?). He says something to the effect of “There’s nothing I hate more than the sound of a woman’s voice in the morning” when his life coach phones him in Palm Springs with an assignment. The simplest tasks elicit temper tantrums. He almost has a seizure attending a “Happy Days” autograph signing event. His idiot best friend tries to sabotage his marriage efforts at every turn so he can sample Charles’ cast offs.
Time will tell if this is scarier than “The Two Coreys”, which apparently debuts tonight, but I don’t know if I can bring myself to actually watch. Basically I can’t wait for this to happen to our current teen sensations: “The Cheerleader is 37 and Lost Her Botox Prescription”, “Walt Will Kill You”, “Bravo Presents: Turtle’s New Entourage”, “Gilmore Trannies”, etc.