Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Probably the only thing hotter than Sanjaya’s pony hawk is Linda Gray in an early 90s Aaron Spelling night time soap opera. And the “Models Inc.” theme song. They really need to put this show on DVD so I can re-live the pre-Matrix Carrie Anne Moss (Trinity) and Cassidy Rae, that girl who became a fixture on the Lifetime movie circuit before her chin ate her face. Kylie Travis, meanwhile, was the original Tanya Turner. This was obviously pre-heroin chic because all of these girls would now be chased out of any modeling agency for not looking they’ve been subsisting on ice chips and Marlboros for the past five years.
You know who looks like Kaui? Jessica from “Laguna Beach”. And you know what happened to Jessica? Dumbass channeled her ex-boyfriend’s smarts and got hauled into jail for driving under the influence. She crashed into someone on a California highway, was arrested and is being held at the Orange County Jail Women’s Intake Release Center until someone can pay her $100,000 bail. Lauren Conrad must be loving this. First her ex Jason gets busted (twice) for being a violent ass and now the girl he kissed at that fashion show also gets thrown in the slammer. I hope Jessica and Jason can have some sort of post-jail relationship that slips into an incurable meth addiction that is later chronicled on an episode of “True Life: I’m a Laguna Beach Junkie”.
After my roommate had a near breakdown over the impending season finale of “The Hills” last night, there was a quick preview for an upcoming MTV reality series. “Taquita & Kaui” features two cast offs from “Making the Band 3” – the series that eventually produced my favorite group of trannies – Danity Kane. I loved me some “Making the Band 3” but it was not because of Taquita and Kaui. And what is it with people going to Las Vegas to “make it” now. First MTV had that depressing “True Life” about wannabe models and makeup artists heading to Sin City, then E! debuted “Paradise City” and now T&K. But looking at these MySpace pictures of Kaui, she is straight up trash, so Vegas is probably a perfect choice. Taquita? I don’t even know. She and Sanjaya can have a hair war, but that’s the extent of my interest in her – for now. Make me believe, whores!
Looks like they should head to Virginia -- Diddy is back to audition for MTB4! That means the inevitable return of choreographer Laurie Ann, aka BoomKat. Woohoo!
I’m not really an “American Idol” person. I’m one of the poseurs who watch the fools during the initial audition phase and then tune out when America goes bat shit crazy over Carrie or Taylor or whatever. But I am prompted to break the AI silence after Sanjaya rocked the pony hawk tonight. Seriously, WTF? Is that a banana clip? I seriously just called to vote for him (it was busy) because that’s the most ridiculous, and therefore fabulous, thing I’ve ever seen. The House of Sanjaya is going to be mobbed tomorrow with people begging for the PH.
Paradise City has succeeded in breaking the fundamental rule of reality television – no fewer than five and no more than eight cast members (and preferably more women than men). So far, my count is up to 10 people and each time I watch, someone new is added to the mix. How can we as viewers be expected to keep up with all of these characters and their little idiosyncrasies? How will I know who to hate? How will I know who deserves my sympathy? It’s almost not fair.
On the brighter side, the mystery of Willie has been solved. I was able to surmise that Willie is some kind of warrior Neanderthal who runs around in circles shirtless. Apparently, his body speaks volumes more than his personality. Lucky for Willie, his dry personality didn’t deter the scorned Greta from choosing him as her second-runner up lover when she realized that Rick was just not interested, nor would he ever be interested, in her.
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Speaking of Rick, was it me or was he laughing a little too hard at Anthony’s fake hypnosis show? I mean, the show was cute and it was amusing how Anthony “hypnotized” the guy and made him believe that the girl was lifting her shirt, but Anthony is no Dane Cook. Rick was doubled over laughing as if he had not seen the show about one hundred times already. Hmmm, I may have to keep my eyes on those two.
Up to her old tricks, mean girl Molly, in true queen bee fashion, whispers to Rick during the show that April has a boyfriend. Of course, this leads to another series of unfortunate events in the April/Rick saga. Keeping with the high school theme, Rick invites a bunch of PHAT (pretty hot and tempting) girls to his impromptu soiree with the sole intent of making April bitterly jealous. Needless to say, it works and April storms away. Jenner stays behind to give Rick a piece of her mind, only to have him shut her up by reminding her of her ignorance to the situation. Has April really written Rick off? Does that mean that JJ has a chance?
Okay, enough about the popular crowd. Greta finds her self in like with Willie and I guess Willie is in like with her too but unfortunately for the star-crossed lovers, neither of them are bold enough to make the first move so instead they go back and forth and discuss absolutely nothing. Willie, just kiss the girl already! Can’t you smell the desperation?
Paradise City has managed to leave its viewers with some unanswered questions, guaranteeing that we will tune in at least one more time. Have Jack and Jenner cooled off even before they heated up? Will April find out that her BFF stabbed her in the back and if so, will Molly get bitch-slapped? Where’s JJ? Will Lacy have a hot hook up of her own or continue to play the background? When will Willie cut his hair (he looks like the caveman from the Geico commercial)?
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Porn star Jenna Jameson is offended that so many people have taken note of a weight loss that has basically turned her into the adult film version of Posh Spice. In a recent MySpace blog, she blames her skinny appearance on the stress of her ongoing divorce and begs fans and detractors alike to leave her alone during this stressful time. Fair enough, but you make your living having sex with strangers. I think I’d rather have someone make a bitchy comment about my chicken legs than star in “Saving Ryan’s Privates III”. Her estranged husband retaliated with a MySpace blog post of his own. It’s basically rambling, incoherent and devoid of any juicy tidbits. But what type of revenge do you take if your ex-wife is a porn star? Chances are, you’ve probably already slept with many of her friends, right?
I don’t know why I’m at work on such a holy day. Twenty-nine years ago, Kevin “K-Fed” Federline made his debut in this world and white trash has never been the same. I think President Bush will be at a Denny’s in
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Last night I had a dream that Justin Timberlake and I sang “Cry Me A River” at an outdoor concert complete with fake rain. Later, Joey Fatone, decked out in that 70s-inpsired number he sported on “Dancing with the Stars” this week, showed up with a BlackBerry full of unflattering Britney pictures. Take that for what it’s worth, but I don’t think I’ll be having my onstage moment with JT any time soon because he tells Details magazine that he regrets doing that “My Grammy Moment” where he sang with an American Idol reject. “I’m the nice guy who follows through on things he commits to,” he says. Note to self: get JT tanked and make him commit to being chained to my bed frame. I mean, the cover does say he just wants to be alone. He can totally chill with my DVR and some Slim Jims while I’m at work. He can’t wear that sweater, though. The stripe down the middle makes it look like he yacked on himself.
By Telly Whore
What do you get when you mix gorgeous hair, a few thirty-somethings pretending to be twenty somethings and beauty minus the brains in
Sunday’s episode kicked off with April’s penthouse birthday party, hosted and sponsored by none other than JJ the baller, who works at The Palms casino hotel. He makes it perfectly clear that he likes April (a lot, judging by the Tiffany box he gave her) and intends to purchase her affection. Even though April-bunny leaves the party with the laid-back Rick, JJ still invites April on a sugar-daddy date complete with a private jet, floor seats at a Sacramento Kings basketball game, and Sacramento King’s memorabilia. (Screw you Holly, Bridget, and Kendra, you’re not the only Playgirls that get the royal treatment!) Unfortunately for JJ, April forgets the first rules of gold-digger appreciation, “you must give when you receive.” How much is it going to cost JJ to make April forget Rick? My guess is one more penthouse suite, a shopping spree, and three more Tiffany boxes.
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Speaking of buying women’s integrity and dignity, JJ took a more chivalrous route with poor, unfortunate Greta. After dropping $1500 of cold, hard cash, he was still unable to convince Greta to lose her pants and drop it like it’s hot on a stripper pole in the suite’s shower. Here’s a hint for JJ, women are way cheaper than they used to be…try a little more liquor and a compliment, save the money.
Moving on, what would reality TV be without a love triangle? In
TV host Molly ...
... likes Jack, who likes Jenner ...
... I think Jenner likes Jack, so of course, Molly despises Jenner and makes little effort to conceal it. To prove just what a “mean girl” she is, Molly invited Jenner for lunch, faking concern for Jenner’s struggling online magazine. (So fetch!) During the lunch powwow, Molly takes on the personality of a rabid pit bull, hurling questions at Jenner about her lack of ambition, making certain to remind Jenner how she made it possible for Jenner to interview her friends. And oh yeah, “Why does Jack like you?” For Molly’s sake, I hope her mean girl antics keep her warm at night while Jack is keeping Jenner warm.
Needless to say, Jenner leaves the meeting feeling a little salty. Could this be the reason she accepts the date with Jack? Maybe. Maybe not. Intimate candlelight, a hotel room, conversation, blah, blah, blah. Boring with a capital ‘B.’ Though Jack and Jenner did manage to exchange more sarcastic banter than Will and Grace.
Word of advice to Ryan, just spend the money and hire some real writers. Look what it did for “The Hills”. BTW, who the hell is Willie?
BTW, who the hell is Willie?
Monday, March 19, 2007
The world may never witness another Camelot, but tonight we’ve come a little closer. Shanna Moakler has reunited with drummer husband Travis Barker. “I’m madly in love with my husband,” she tells People magazine. Barker was too busy texting Paris Hilton to comment for the story. I kid. Paris is probably too busy ordering her minion publicist to do damage control on the photo that emerged this morning of the heiress in a possibly compromising position with a well-known rapper. But I digress. Travis and Shanna split last year after he accused her of being a lazy cheat. He then made out with Hilton at a club, a MySpace blog battle ensued, Shanna allegedly assaulted Hilton at another Hollywood club, lost out on “Dancing with the Stars” and likely figured that Barker was probably the best thing she had going for herself. Seriously, honey, we saw you act on “Meet the Barkers”. Stick to lingerie and bitch sessions.
The opening chords of this Gap commercial with Claire Danes now elicit groans from my roommate. It was probably a cute idea when a group of Williams marketing grads came up with the idea between hits of meth and creamy Skippy peanut butter, but if you’re going to have an early 90’s TV star dance around in her underwear, make it something interesting like Shannen Doherty or Elizabeth “Nomi” Berkley. Claire doesn’t need boyfriend khakis. She needs a push-up bra and a course on how not to date guys with girlfriends who are seven months pregnant. But that’s neither here nor there.
If I’m forced to watch Gap commercials, show me this one. Those are some boyfriend pants I’d wear:
Sisterly Love: Amelle BerraDUH
I have no idea who the Sugarbabes are, but I’m sure they’re a
This is apparently a video intended to teach vulnerable Japanese (?) women how to protect themselves against American attackers wielding butter knives and sporting panties on their heads. There are also some nifty hand movements (and snazzy early 90's bike short/sports bra combos) to help you learn the necessary vocab to fend off a mugging and alert the nearest police officer. Spare me my life!
Monday, March 12, 2007
Jay Manuel from “America’s Next Top Model” is wearing about as much makeup as I had to cake on to play a dancing munchkin guard in my high school production of “The Wizard of Oz”. But he totally reminds of Keanu Reeves in that “Little Buddha” movie, where Mr. Whoa himself played Buddha. Seriously.
I haven’t watched too much of “I Love New York” on Vh1 because she kind of makes me throw up in my mouth a little, but this random interview she did with “Blender” is just too priceless not to share. Turns out her high school nick name was “dick breath”, she suspects that Donald Trump is “probably packin’” more than a sour disposition, believes God wears a “long chiffon robe of love and forgiveness”, likes to be slapped around in bed, and has a third eye with which she sees the future. Bitch, please. Chiffon?! God could wear a coat made of unicorn fur and he’s going to wear something from the sale rack at TJ Maxx?! Somewhere, Tim Gunn is plotting your death.
“There is a trashy-ass couple on who already have two kids. The ‘bride’ just shoved fake chicken cutlet boobs into her ghetto David’s Bridal dress. Yikes.”
My friends understand my love of crap-tastic MTV reality shows and “Engaged & Underaged” is no exception. So when my friend Nicole sent me the e-mail above, I knew there was going to be a special treat waiting for me at home on my DVR.
Now, you might think that tonight’s episode featuring the 19-year-old pregnant girl who looks suspiciously like Amanda Bynes or the woman who waxed her future daughter-in-law’s hoo-ha might take the Golden Twinkie of Trash prize, but trust me, the Florence, KY two-some of Josh and Ashley win by a landslide.
Gawker.com has this segment where they rate the NYT wedding section like a Fantasy Football type thing, with points gained for Ivy League graduates, doctors, Hampton homes, board memberships and the like. Let’s do that with Josh and Ashley, Kentucky style:
Mother of the bride resembles substitute PE teacher: -4
Bridge and groom wear bandanas during their episode: +2
Honeymoon suite includes dead animal heads: +8
Mother of the bride threatens to kill groom: +5
Glow-worm of a daughter is named Neveah (“Heaven” backwards): +10
Son is cute enough to do commercials that would support family: +3
Wedding reception at a VFW: -1
Groom wakes up on wedding day with permanent marker on face: +4
Bride angry over bachelor party strip club outing: +1
Bride not old enough to legally drink champagne toast: +3
Bride is already a “former” beauty queen at age 18: +1
Water tower in your town says “Florence, Y’all”: +15
Click HERE to read the E&U blog.
Sunday, March 11, 2007
The folks over at the “Best Week Ever” blog are in love with this transexual character on “All My Children” named Zarf. Props to AMC for tackling new subject matter, but they unfortunately forgot to throw some quality writing and acting talent in Zarf’s general direction. My favorite clip, though, is probably Zarf singing a Josh Groban song at some woman’s funeral. I need to start writing for a soap opera.
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
The long-awaited debut of the Pussycat Dolls reality show, The Search for the New Doll, finally rocked my world tonight. The public couldn’t suffice with a half dozen, possibly post-op Dolls and is looking to add one more to the litter. Rumor has it that “lead singer” Nicole wants to break out in a solo way, so we might have the whore version of Menudo on our hands, but all the better to fill these blog pages, my pretties.
Unfortunately we don’t get to see any of the inevitably painful auditions from the delusional, tone deaf or rhythm-challenged and are introduced to 19 hopefuls at the outset, 9 of whom are sent packing with push-up bras and hormones pills in tow by the end of the first episode.
While the episode is sparse on audition footage, it is chock full of barf and booty shaking. One of the contestants brought her A-game and some airborne STDs, promptly infecting half of her competition. Half a dozen girls alone came down with flu-like symptoms after seeing the PCD in concert. While I’d like to think they were all sickened by the thought of what their future might hold as traveling advertisements for stripper gear and low self-esteem (aspiring trannies notwithstanding), it was simply just a bug.
But the show must go on and PCD creator (and apparent botox/collagen fan) Robin Antin (sister of Sir Cries a Lot Hair STYLIST Jonathan Antin) instructs the girls to grind through the waves of nausea. Nine lovely ladies survive the firing squad and are given access to their PCD house, but I wasn’t really paying attention at that point except to notice that STD girl got the boot. *Crocodile tears*
Reality whore watch: One of the Melissa’s was almost a member of Danity Kane. Yeah, big whoop. When’s “Blow Out” coming back?
It has been a trashtastic day for the kids from “The Hills”.
First up is Jason Wahler, Lauren’s ex-boyfriend and the original Spencer. He was sentenced to 60 days in jail today because of a September fight he and his now ex-girlfriend Kristen DeLuca got into with a tow truck driver trying to tow an illegally parked car.
Jason also has to attend 104 AA meetings (with Lohan?) because his blood alcohol was .22 at the time and do 36 hours of anger management classes. He and DeLuca also get to participate in a one-day “Museum of Tolerance” program because of the slurs they hurled during the incident.
This sentencing doesn’t even address Jason’s most recent run-in with the law. He was arrested this past weekend after cops said he “resisted a public officer” during a raid on an underage drinking party in North Carolina.
Not exactly Area in West Hollywood, huh Jason?
Still prowling the LA clubs is Heidi, who gave an interview to the LA Times this morning. She reveals that cameras are on the cast four days a week and that she doesn’t regret anything she does. She channels Katie Holmes to wax poetic about Spencer and gives me my 2007 mantra: “Everyone’s a player until they find someone who’s worth not playing for.”
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
If I had the power to green light beat downs, Heidi Montag would move to the number one slot after this week's episode of "The Hills". Last week, young Heidi pushed Lauren's friend Jennifer to hook up with Lauren's love interest Brody and then denied having any involvement when confronted by Lauren. This week, the roommates tried to keep their fizzling friendship alive by scheduling a girl's night the Monday after Heidi returned from a weekend in Santa Barbara with Spencer, but Heidi inexplicably cancelled the outing (via a note on the coffee table) in favor of a movie with Captain Douche.
In hindsight, I'd probably thank Heidi for saving me from Brody (Douche Part Deux) if I was Lauren, but then I'd smack her again. So small and empty, yet so conniving.
On the Vogue front, Lauren and Whitney are charged with assisting a photo shoot starring young beauties, including Whitney's sister Jade. Styling the shoot is a woman who apparently lived "The Devil Wears Prada" as a Vogue assistant ("I mean, she actually worked for Anna Wintour," a saucer-eyed Whitney tells Lauren.) She's thin, spells her name in a pretentious manner (Lawren), requests that Whitney have open pins at a moment's notice and shoots down Whitney's request for an early dismissal to attend a family dinner ("Well, I'm going to need you to stay.") Basically, she's Super Intern Emily in about 15 years.
Whitney is none too enthused, channeling Eminem with a hooded sweatshirt and looking bored as Jade is anointed with lip gloss and faerie-esque head gear. Whitney tells Lauren that she worked at "W" magazine for three summers and at Teen Vogue for two years now, so she's ready to "not be someone's intern." She even commits what is likely a cardinal Vogue sin by uttering, "they're just clothes."
I hear you, sister. But Whitney needs to develop a bitchier persona and stop pronouncing her words like a toddler before the World of Vogue will accept her as its latest calorie-free minion.
Finally, who thought that bobble-headed Audrina would emerge as the show's most level headed character? She's a chirpy Orange County mother in training, setting up play dates for her new BFF Lauren and doling out disparaging looks whenever Spencer's name is brought up in conversation.
The American version of "Footballers Wives" is just getting trashier and trashier, which is probably appropriate, I suppose. First it was revealed that Lucy Lawless of Xena fame will play the terrifically maniacal Tanya Turner (originally played by Zoe Lucker, above) and now we hear that Dawson Leary himself will play a rookie soccer player in the series. I really didn't want to stare at Lucy's massive thighs and I definitely don't want to stare at Dawson's square Gumby head. All we need is Traci Bingham as Chardonnay, Jodie Sweetin as the blonde wife who sleeps with the Italian and a Joan Collins cameo and it's a D-List adventure best served in a red plastic cup. Watch this trash become the next "Desperate Housewives" though.