Monday, December 04, 2006

I Have the First Draft
By PopCultureWhore

Tori Spelling will be penning her memoir at the ripe old age of 33. Those pregnancy hormones must have made her certifiably insane to think that anyone would want to read this tripe. But just in case you can’t resist, PCW has obtained the first draft of “Spell THIS!” by Victoria Davey Spelling McDermott.

Chapter 1: It’s Cookie Time!

My career as a thespian and love affair with the 90210 ZIP code kicked off in the mid-1980’s with a classic Shelly Long film called “Troop Beverly Hills.” Though I was not cast as one of Shelly’s little cookie brats, I did learn the finer points of being a wilderness girl – and that a nose job was in my future.

Chapter 2: Brenda, Brenda, Brenda!

Fuck you, Brenda Walsh! I’m important too! Donna Martin is a learning disabled virgin with limitless funds. There is a story line in that, god damnit! David? David, why don’t you LOVE ME!?! Maybe if I only eat limes for a few weeks, Dylan will go out with me too … I mean Luke. Wait, who am I?

Chapter 3: Mother May I Sleep with Mediocrity?

Shannen Doherty had the college version of “Single White Female” and Jennie Garth got a Danielle Steele mini-series, so it was high time I also moved into the made-for-TV genre and “Mother May I Sleep with Danger” was my ticket to stardom. Or maybe “Co-Ed Call Girl” was my real claim to fame? Whatever.

Chapter 4: Mind Over Adultey

Yeah, so remember that $1 million wedding to Charlie something? It’s so done. We just wrapped production on “Mind over Murder” where I play a prosecutor who temporarily gains psychic powers after a head injury. And my co-star Dean is SO DREAMY. It’s like we totally just have this great connection. It think he’s my soul mate or something. God, I really need a manicure.