Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Liza with a Left Hook
By PopCultureWhore

Behold what would likely have been the reality project of all reality projects – Liza and David, the lost Vh1 footage. After the elaborate, celebrity-studded wedding and before the alleged beatings care of Liza, she and David were New York's most blissful and frightening couple.

Some teens swarm Liza after a dance class and one of them tells Miss M that she takes jazz funk class, to which Liza responds, "You've got to start somewhere!" For some reason I pictured Liza as being in Liz Taylor wheelchair mode, but she can still jazz it up. She was even game for a little hip-hop with choreographer (and the rumored reason for Britney and Justin's breakup) Wade Robson ("we have the same hair!").

She is kind of a nut, pulling the car over to coo at a little dog and then almost crying at the memory of her dead pooch Lily ("I miss her too," her driver responds rather convincingly). But it's her now ex-husband David who is the real crack head. On one particular day, he and his "personal assistant" are charged only with finding a table for an upcoming party. David instead spends much of the day shopping for CDs ("Where's your LL Cool J?") despite the fact that "my wife has put me on a CD diet." When he finally makes it to the furniture store, he tells an employee that he bought the elephant man's bones from Michael Jackson and needs an incubator and then acts disgruntled when a store clerk asks how it feels to live with a legend ("Why do you love her so much?")

Poor lamb. He later complained to NBC's Stone Philips that Liza routinely beat him. Stone is not convinced. On a visit to the doctor's office, where David claims Liza gave him a beating that resulted in a dented head, the anchor asks the doctor if a beating from an aging starlet could've caused that damage and the doctor says no. "Where did it come from then?!" an irked David interjects. The doctor has no answer.