Monday, October 09, 2006

Aniston, Vaughn Still Shacking
By PopCultureWhore

When US Weekly took to the Internet to proclaim the demise of the Jennifer Aniston, Vince Vaughn romance, I teetered on the brink of a nervous breakdown. How could such a pure love go wrong? Well, it appears I can cut back on the meds. An audience member at an Oprah taping says that Aniston told Oprah and she and Vince are “still on.” That’s a relief, but wasn’t Vince just spotted making out with some blonde woman at a bar? I’m sure they are just “friends.” If you’d like to both re-live how these two got together AND get a glimpse of their future, The Breakup is now on DVD.

In Stupid, Spoiled Whore Land ...
By PopCultureWhore

Tara Reid is a virgin who can’t drive. Actually she’s just a stupid whore who didn’t realize that plastic surgery might make her look like a third grade science project gone wrong. She tells US Weekly that she got a boob job because one of her boobs was bigger than the other and figured she’d throw in liposuction while she was there. Unfortunately, her boobs and stomach came out a little rippled and her less-than-suave dates commented on their weird appearance. (US Weekly)

Eva Longoria and Tony Parker are “trying to work things out,” according to Eva’s rep. Tony was too busy shacking up with b-ball hoes to comment (People)

The “Dr. Phil House” in California got shut down after neighbors complained about the noise from cracked out residents. Dr. Phil’s production company bought a house and turned it into a mini sound stage for families in turmoil. I watched one episode where two fatties were fighting like high school sophomores while their seven-year-old son threatened suicide. (Daily News)

Mel Gibson tells Diane Sawyer that his anti-Semitic rant was just the “stupid rambling of a drunkard.” He doesn’t want to be “that kind of monster” and apologizes for the outburst. I know we all say dumb things when we’ve had a few drinks, but whatever comes out of your mouth after five Buttery Nipple shots is usually stuff you think about but never actually say when sober. (E! Online)
Our Faces Are Too Beautiful
By PopCultureWhore

The doctors of Grey’s Anatomy ALMOST had a fight! Patrick Dempsey (Dr. McDreamy to you, Ronald Miller to me) and Isaiah Washington nearly came to blows over on-set production issues. "We were like two baseball players . . . nose-to-nose," said Washington. "We had a difference of opinions while working on set but we've resolved it." One of those bitches apparently wanted to wrap things up while the other wanted another shot at a close up. Washington denies that he and McDreamy actually messed with their manicures to throw punches. "Our faces are too beautiful for that!," Washington said. He was probably trying to make that sound like a joke, but you know he sets aside “mirror time” each night to flex and figure out his best angle. Even more ridiculous is that People deemed this big enough news to make it the top news item for today. Pansies. I hear the cast of “Deadwood” actually kills extras just to get into character.

'Lost' Offers Few Explanations
By Lakshmi Kalimireddi

The ever expanding cast of Lost introduced Juliet, the first of three new characters. She appears depressed, alone, and not too enthused by Ben (aka Henry Gale). She one of the Dharma project scientists living in a suburban town in the middle of the island.

In true Lost form, no questions were answered, but a handful of new ones were asked. Flashbacks showed Jack trying to figure out the identity of his wife's new man, accusing his dad of being her new love and basically just flipping out of his friggin mind.

Back on the island Jack is imprisoned in an old, underwater aquarium called The Hydra and it appears as though his blood has been taken. Juliet asks him questions, makes him sandwiches and flashes her smile in an effort to gain his trust and get his guard down.

Jack is having none of that and instead rushes her, holds a shard of broken plate to her throat and forces her to open the door. Unfortunately creepy Ben is waiting in the hallway. Jack threatens to kill Juliet, but Ben says he’s cool with that. Jack opens a nearby door despite warnings from Ben and Juliet that doing so would be deadly. The ocean floods in, Ben escapes and leaves Juliet for dead. But Jack and Juliet swim to safety, where Juliet knocks Jack’s know-it-all ass out.

Sawyer, the wild man that he is, is in a cage with a food dispensing contraption. Is this a clue about the origins of Dharma? Why don't they just bring him food like they do for Jack? An adjacent cage holds a mysterious kid who’s apparently been held captive for quite some time. Nonetheless, he manages to escape and set Sawyer free. The Dharma folks catch both, make the kid apologize to Sawyer, and them drag the kid off into the woods. Where'd they take him? What did they do with him? Is the kid an Other?

Kate gets a shower (her blood was also taken), a new dress and a dream date with Creepy Ben. Unfortunately, it's all a tease for what he says will be a cruddy two weeks at the Dharma prison camp. She asks about Sawyer and Jack. Ben questions why she asked for Sawyer first. Is he using his psychological mumbo jumbo on her? After her breakfast date, she's put into the now vacant cage across from Sawyer. Would she have been in the tank next to Jack if she said his name first?

Then, the cutest scene ever. Perpetual bad boy Sawyer shows his sweet, and funny, side to a sad Kate and tosses her the yummy fish biscuit he spent hours trying to acquire. This is why I love bad boys. They're hot when they're bad and hotter when they're nice. Those dimples don't hurt either.

We close with Juliet pulling out a mysterious file which contains information about Jack’s life, family and friends. He asks only if his ex-wife is happy and Juliet responds that she is indeed content.

So, no mysteries solved – like the fates of those back at the camp – but there’s always next week.

Grindhouse Trailer
By PopCultureWhore

Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez are working on a spirited romantic comedy for the masses. It’ll be very similar to “The Wedding Planner,” I’m sure. If, of course, your wedding planner has a machine gun in place of a prosthetic leg and her boss is a machete-wielding vigilante. Grindhouse debuts in April.
Pass the Ginger Ale (and Heroin)
By PopCultureWhore

Where’s the best place for a recovering (and I use the term loosely) drug addict to spend some quality time with his rumored fiancĂ©e? Ibiza of course! This club capital of the European world will reportedly be the site of the January nuptials between Kate Moss and Pete Doherty. They are set to marry on the supermodel’s 33rd birthday, January 16. Now, the source for the story is a gardener named Phil so it’s not exactly as reliable as Tara Reid’s next drunken outing, but should this joyous event actually take place, expect pyrotechnics, glow sticks and enough illegal substances to kill a small horse.

Angie Channels Oscar ... er, Daniel
By PopCultureWhore

Angelina and the brood are in India while Angie films the movie about Daniel Pearl, the slain Wall Street Journal reporter. She plays Daniel’s wife Marianne and here she is sporting her fro in some on-set shots. Meanwhile, she and Brad donated $100,000 to the Daniel Pearl Foundation. This is not helping me hate you!

Donald Trump, however, doesn't have a problem with it. He took a stab at Angelina on Larry King this week. Trump is a friend of Angelina’s estranged father Jon Voight. The two parted ways after Jon reportedly suggested during an interview that Angelina might be a tad unhinged. “I think she treats him like a dog,” Trump told King. The Donald also basically calls Angie a slut. “She’s been with so many guys she makes me look like a baby. And I just don’t even find her attractive.” I’m sure Angelina is crying into her (organic, environmentally safe) soup.

(Source) and (Source)
Tuesday Whore … Jennifer Wilbanks
By PopCultureWhore

Jennifer Wilbanks needs to step off. You might remember her as the “Runaway Bride” who got cold feet before her wedding who concocted a kidnapping story rather than inform her fiancĂ© of her doubts. She is now suing the man she publicly humiliated for $500,000. John Mason received $500,000 for selling his story to an agent, which he used to purchase a lavish home in Atlanta. Wilbanks claims she is entitled to $250,000 of that money since she was apparently part of that story and also wants an additional $250,000 in punitive damages. Bitch needs to be glad she’s not in jail and that John Mason is sitting quietly in that Atlanta house rather than setting her car on fire.

Babs Throws Down
By PopCultureWhore

Barbra Streisand is to my mother what Madonna is to me. So when Babs announced a tour after a 12-year hiatus, my mother’s American Express got a $400 workout and I got a seat amongst the throngs of Barbra enthusiasts at Madison Square Garden.

On our way in, we encountered two women who had paid $754 each for their tickets. Now, I love Madonna and I’d even consider springing for the $350 front-row floor seats next time around, but if I paid $800, I’d expect to sit in Babs’ lap and be in on the backstage conversation between her and Oprah.

That’s right, Miss Oprah herself made an appearance with her BFF Gayle. She swept in to uproarious applause in a gorgeous red dress and planted herself in the front row. A bodyguard kept gawkers at bay, but O did stop to give Rosie O’Donnell a hug and chat with billionaire financier Ronald Perelman.

Also spotted in the crowd were Tony Bennett, Project Runway judge Michael Kors, Vogue editor Anna Wintour (looking rather sour and sporting the omnipresent large sunglasses), former NYC Mayors Ed Koch and David Dinkins, a very blonde Bette Midler, designer Donna Karan (a Babs favorite) and Al Sharpton.

The show was structured very much like an old-school concert, with programs, an intermission and formally dressed ushers. After an overture featuring the music from “Funny Girl,” Babs rose from the center of the stage in a sparkly little number. I’m not really an expert on Barbra songs, but she belted out Memories (The Way We Were!) and People and several number from “Funny Girl.” The men of Il Divo, a Simon Cowell concoction, joined Babs on stage several times, including a rendition of Music of the Night from Phantom and Somewhere.

Barbra showed her feisty side after an audience member heckled her about anti-President Bush segment of the show. He reportedly yelled “What is this? A fundraiser?” to which Babs responded, “Shut the fuck up! Shut up if you can’t take a joke.” She offered to give him his money back and he apparently left after the exchange. She later apologized for the outburst, but the crowd didn’t seem to mind, giving her several standing ovations.

Meet You at the Olive Garden!
By PopCultureWhore

If you’re at a loss for crap reality fare lately, The Bachelor: Rome will likely warm your shallow, ADD afflicted heart. But be sure to tune into the original “Flavor of Love” during the early episodes (Mondays, ABC 9pm) because the cat fights between the dimwitted contestants are the best part of this ridiculous farce. Once it gets down to home visits and one-on-one dates in far off locales, it becomes more Dr. Phil than Jerry Springer and I zone out.

This year’s “perfect man” is Lorenzo Borghese, the 27-year-old owner of a pet supply business who ABC executives are touting as an Italian prince. Unfortunately Lorenzo is about as Italian as Chef Boyardee.

His parents have lived in the ritzy New Jersey suburb of Short Hills since the late ‘70s and Lorenzo briefly attended The Morristown Beard School, a swanky little prep school in the new yuppie haven of Morristown, NJ. Lorenzo was rumored to have been enrolled in intensive Italian courses by “Bachelor” producers prior to the show’s taping, but seeing as how he basically only mustered “thank you,” he’s likely not in it for a cultural awakening.

That’s fine, of course, because authenticity is not generally the hallmark of televised dating shows. We want stupid whores, vapid commentary and pledges of undying love after 15 minutes of interaction. A few gems:

One of our lovely ladies is Heather (above), a 34-year-old nurse who is appropriately named due to her striking resemblance to Heather Locklear circa 1993. She sported a skintight white dress that would make Amanda Woodward proud and knocked back alcohol like a champ. Unfortunately, this made her functionally retarded when she actually got to sit down with Lorenzo. “It’s ok, though, because I’m not!” she later slurred. Not so much. No rose for you!

Then there’s Erica, a 23-year-old “heiress” from Texas. She reminded me of the character Brittany Murphy played in “Uptown Girls” but her clothes looked like they came from a consignment shop. She wore a tiara, talked about nonsensical crap, waxed poetic about her well-endowed chest and got herself a rose.

Andrea is really not worth mentioning except for her impromptu opera performance. As Lorenzo sat glassy-eyed with “Rita from Richmond” and some other slut, Andrea took to an overhead balcony and started singing. Rita tried to continue her conversation during the serenade, but to no avail. Lorenzo gave Andrea a standing ovation, but no rose. Bye now!

Agnese is a student from Italy whose name and town of origin is unknown – probably because she and Cosetta (the other “real Italian,” age also unknown) are Roman prostitutes the producers picked up and promised to pay with an appearance on TV. Despite the fact that Lorenzo and Agnese stumbled over the meaning of “mittens” and seemed to have about as much chemistry as one might expect from Steve-O and Princess Diana, the busty foreigner nabbed herself a rose.

Then there’s Desiree, or as I like to call her, Homer’s Vegas Wife. She wore a white halter dress and called Lorenzo “baby” the entire episode. Lorenzo basically admitted that he hated women like Desiree, but she showed a little side boob and would probably be voted “Most Likely to Disrobe in a Hot Tub” so obviously, she got a rose.

Finally, we have poor little saucer-eyed Rosella. This 27-year-old makeup artist from Chicago was a titter at the possibility of meeting her husband in Italy and thus re-creating her parent’s love story. She should’ve known something was awry when Lorenzo gave her a blank stare after she greeted him with “Your princess has arrived” in Italian. She should’ve gone the Desiree route and said something like “I’m easy,” but if nothing else, she can serve as translator between Lorenzo and Agnese.

But wait, don’t forget Sadie! She’s so blonde and cute and non-threatening and bouncy, I almost forget to take her out of her Polly Pocket play land and bring her along for the fun. Stop brushing your My Little Pony tails and come find your husband, Sadie! This fun-loving perkette is also this year’s resident virgin, so she’ll likely be nestled between her Rainbow Brite sheets before any “overnight visits” are on the agenda. Care Bear stare!
By PopCultureWhore

I think we’re all aware that Maggie Gyllenhaal has popped out her first born, a daughter named Ramona. She didn’t have the child at Mt. Sinai Hospital near my apartment so there was no chance of Jake being in my neighborhood, so I don’t necessarily care all that much. (“Can I wear these pants downstairs to the pizza place?” my roommate asked, pointing to a pair of striped sweat pants she was sporting. “What if Jake came in?”)

But Maggie’s choice of name brought back memories of the Ramona Quimby books by Beverly Cleary and the TV series starring Sarah Polley as the impish child dealing with an annoying sibling and kicking it with the neighborhood kids. I vaguely remember an episode involving eggs, opening credits with Ramona on a bike, a likeable aunt and several scenes taking place in a cramped kitchen. I’d beg my mom to borrow these tapes from the local library and would watch them while eating spaghetti-o’s and fruit rollups from the comfort of a bean bag chair.

I didn’t immediately find any clips on YouTube, but if you happen to be technically gifted enough to get your old Ramona VHS tapes onto DVD and upload them to the Web site, I’ll give you a cookie.

Meanwhile, while I was searching for Ramona information, I came across pictures from “The Torkelsons” – that show from the early 90’s about the teenage girl Dorothy Jane who was embarrassed by her hick Oklahoma family. She later starred as Sally Field’s murdered daughter in “Eye for an Eye” and her little brother on the show played the lovable dork Minkus on “Boy Meets World.” Good stuff.

Billy Bush: Columbus Day Whore
By PopCultureWhore

My official Columbus Day whore is “Access Hollywood” host Billy Bush. This little trollop is like the Anderson Cooper of celebrity news, badgering Tom Cruise about Scientology, getting the smack down from Jessica Simpson’s publicists when he asked about Nick instead of her shoe line and now – admitting to being the cause of Eva Longoria’s recent on-set tumble.

Mr. Bush, who is indeed related to the famous political family in some way, wrote on his blog that he was talking to Eva on her cell phone when she fell down the stairs of her trailer and bruised some ribs.

How desperate for attention do you have to be to take the blame for something no one cared about to begin with? It’s not like he failed to notify someone about 9/11 for God’s sake. He had a conversation with someone who apparently can’t walk and talk at the same time.

The best part? They were talking about “a little boy who has touched both of our hearts is losing a terrible health battle and tomorrow we are turning his house into the North Pole so he can have Christmas before God calls him home.” If Billy Bush and Eva Longoria were the last two people I was going to see before dying, I’d end it all right now.