Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Barely Flav
By Telly Whore

This show just gets better and better every week, and by better, I mean tasteless and just plain tacky. Despite the deplorable depths that this show will fall to in pursuit of entertainment, it never ceases to amaze me. Just when I think that Flavor Flav has taken me as low as I can go, he finds the strength to dig a little lower. How does he do it?

This week on Flavor of Love, he relies on the latest industry trick to ensure viewers will choose this show over Intervention (a wildly popular show detailing the erratic behavior of addicts and the subsequent intervention). Having realized that dance-themed reality shows are doing quite well in the ratings at the moment, Flavor Flav hosts his own version of the popular Fox network show So You Think You Can Dance. He even has guest choreographers that included a former Beyonce back-up dancer, the world’s premiere B-girl, and the now infamous Tommy the clown. You may remember Tommy the clown from the highly acclaimed documentary Rize, about urban youth living in South Central Los Angeles, who created an aggressive style of dancing called Crumping to resolve their internal conflicts. Much like everything else that has meaning and substance, this new style of dancing has caught media attention and thus, been trivialized, as further evidenced by the inclusion of it in the Flavor of Love show. But I digress.


The girls are divided into groups of three and each group is assigned one of three choreographers. Each group is to choreograph and perform a routine that would influence Flav, who was the judge, to choose their group for the “special” dates he has planned.

Let the games begin and let the best strippers win. Winning the prize of a KFC date is Krazy; a breakfast date on the verandah of Flav’s home is Nibblz; and a date of strawberry picking and hay stacks is Delishis.

Not to be outdone by shows like Big Brother, the Flavor of Love show has its own underlying plot twist of mystery and betrayal. It seems that Toastee (the consummate alcoholic) accused Nibblz (the perpetually braless) of performing some obscene sex act on Flavor Flav, which of course Nibblz denied. Out for revenge, Nibblz lets one of Toastee’s dirty little secrets drop right in Flav’s lap. It seems that Toastee was a Barely Legal porn star in a previous lifetime, but of course, Toastee denies this as well. Who was telling the truth? Who was lying? Who would stay? Who would go? We had to wait until the very last minute to find out.

After much denying and crying, it is revealed, rather raunchily, that Toastee is indeed a porn star and she is asked to leave the home, not because she is a porn star who has probably had more STD’s than Tommy Lee Jones, but because she didn’t keep it real with our boy Flav. Enough said.

And that concludes our favorite Jerry Springer meets Ms. America reality show. So, until next time when we must fight to keep the contents of our stomach down…I’ll keep my fingers crossed for Flav.

Mama Said There'd Be Days Like This
By Leila Cohan

Drama! Drama! Morning at Atlas. As everyone gets ready, Jeffrey is sad, because Alison, who apparently was his best friend is out. I’m sad, because Alison was purdy. Of being the first winner of two challenges this season, Michael says “I grinned myself a headache.” My love for Michael, it knows no bounds.

At Parsons, Heidi shows up, cleavage a-bared. She tells them that their challenge will involve designing for the “everyday woman” and brings out their models. To the surprise of all, it’s their mommies! Or in the case of Robert and Vincent, their sisters. Everyone is very excited.

Heidi reveals that the designers cannot pick their own loved one to design for. Consternation abounds. Michael chooses Robert’s sister. Laura chooses Jeffrey’s mother. Vincent picks Uli’s mom. Angela chooses Laura’s mother. Kayne chooses Michael’s mom. Uli picks Kayne’s mom and Robert chooses Vincent’s sister, leaving Jeffrey with Angela’s mother. Ruh-roh! Jeffrey thinks “God got drunk this morning.” And with awesome results!

In the workroom, the designers meet up with their mommies and sisters. It’s very sweet. Michael says he’s a mama’s boy. I’m a mama’s girl, so I identify. Tim Gunn appears in the workroom and invites the designers to a special party being thrown by the guest judge.

The designers and their mommies and sisters arrive at Tavern on the Green where they are greeted by Michael Kors and his mother, Joan. For real, they are twins.


Champagne flows! The designers mingle. And then the childhood pictures start coming out. Kayne was a chubster!

Also, I have to say, I am not feeling his Bobby Trendy necklace.

Michael was exactly as cute as you’d imagine.

Jeffrey was…well, not Jeffrey. His mom reveals that Jeffrey is a recovering alcoholic and she’s very proud of him.

And then, then something awesome happens. Michael Kors and his mom are sitting with Laura and her mom, shooting the shit. Michael tells his mom that Laura has five kids. Laura very nonchalantly announces that she’s working on six. Her mom definitely did not know this. Laura says that she just found out that she’s pregnant and hasn’t even told her husband yet. Damn.

The designers, loved ones, and Tim head back to the workroom. The designers and loved ones caucus. They will have one day to complete the look. The meetings seem to be going fairly well, but a few of the designers (most notably Robert and Jeffrey) seem concerned about designing for the plus-size woman. Kayne, on the other hand, is inspired. He interviews that he used to weigh 310, and could never find anything cute. He thinks Michael’s mom, Pamela, isn’t a size two, but is gorgeous (which she is) and should look great.

Jeffrey and his model, Angela’s mom, Darlene are having some issues. They can’t agree on fabric choice or cut. The dynamic between the two of them is like so: Jeffrey’s being an asshole, but Darlene’s being passive-aggressive. Jeffrey’s cold and clearly thinks this is beneath him, but Darlene is all “I feel like I want to cry.” My mom wouldn’t take that shit. Man up, Darlene.

At Mood, the designers seem to be making pretty predictable choices. Uli is getting some crazy prints, and Robert is grabbing dull black and red.

The designers start working. Work, designers, work! Jeffrey and Robert commiserate over the difficulty of designing for larger women. In interviews, both Laura and Vincent criticize this approach, which is valid, but both of their models (Jeffrey’s mom and Uli’s mom, respectively) are model-sized, so their credibility is a little bit undermined. Michael is making a reversible dress. Ambitious!

With about half of the day to go, Tim sends in the models. Most seem to be getting along swimmingly. There are, of course, exceptions. Laura’s mom thinks Angela is putting in too much color. And then there’s Darlene and Jeffrey. Jeffrey seems to have stepped away from the table and Darlene takes the opportunity to tell Tim that she hates the garment. Once again, passive-aggressive. I’m sorry, but you can totally tell where Angela came from.

And then Tim leaves and the shit hits the fan. Jeffrey and Darlene start bickering. Once again, it’s the same dynamic. Darlene is whiny and Jeffrey is mean. Darlene’s clearly in the right, but she makes it kind of hard to be on her side. At the sewing machine, Jeffrey calls Darlene a crazy bitch, and I’m sorry, but you can’t say that about someone’s mom. You just can’t.

Meanwhile, Angela steps in to comfort her whiny-ass mom. God. Then! Jeffrey’s mom steps in and tries to smooth things over with Darlene. Drama! Drama with the mommas! Oh man. Now Jeffrey’s mother is crying. Look what you did, Jeff. You asshat.

In the sewing room, Jeffrey and Angela snipe at each other, predictably. It’s not that interesting. Elsewhere, everyone is feeling strapped for time.

Back in the apartments, the designers drink wine, except for pregnant Laura. Laura, on her pregnancy: “Five, six, seven, it doesn’t make a big difference. I’ll just throw it on the pile with the other ones.” Guys, how many nannies do you think Laura has? I’m betting at least two.

On the morning of the runway show, Michael is excited to see his mom strut.

The designers fit their models. Most of the moms and sisters seem fairly happy. And then there’s Darlene. Angela goes into the changing area with her and takes the time to instigate and basically tell her mom to talk shit about Jeffrey on the runway. I don’t think that will be necessary, since Jeffrey has made the ugliest dress in the world, but more on that later. The moms all look super-happy in hair and makeup, and Kayne’s mom gets my favorite line of the episode: “I’m gonna walk the catwalk like the models do, and I’m gonna embarrass Kayne.” Awesome.

On the runway, Michael Kors and Nina Garcia are joined, of course, by Joan “Michael in a dress” Kors. This challenge’s winner will not have immunity for next week.

Laura’s look for Jeffrey’s mom starts us off, and not on a good note. It’s very basic, but the skirt is way too high and makes her look stumpy. Also, the scarf takes it to a very stewardess kind of place.

Uli’s design for Kayne’s mom is a world better. It’s chic, but still incredibly flattering on a larger lady. Kayne’s mom works it, too.

Next up, Vincent’s outfit for Uli’s mom. I have to say, I don’t really get it. It’s not awful, but the color scheme is fug and I don’t like the asymmetry of the noticeable lapels in the front and nothing in the back.

Oof. Kayne’s look for Michael’s mother did not turn out as I had hoped. I actually don’t entirely hate the underpart of the shirt and the pants are fine, if too basic, but the fake poncho looks completely arbitrary and the whole thing is not very flattering.

Oh God. So, when I first saw Angela’s design for Laura’s mom, I thought it was fine. And then I saw the fringe. Why? Why? WHY TWO UNFLATTERING HEMLINES AND WHY OVER PANTS?

So, in sixth grade, I had this teacher, Ms. Cohen. Ms. Cohen was a woman of a certain age who still lived with her mother and derived most of her worldly joy from shopping for discount school supplies. On the first day of school, when faced with some frightened eleven year olds, all of whom had heard horror stories about her from older siblings, she simply said “I’m Ms. Cohen. Everything you’ve heard about me is true.” If you did your homework in pencil, she ripped it up in front of you. In Robert’s design, Vincent’s sister looks just like Ms. Cohen.

Michael’s design for Robert’s sister is perfect, of course.

Finally, there’s Jeffrey’s dress of discontent. I’m sorry. It’s just awful. Darlene looks like a fat French judge.

The judges are going to question everyone, in two groups. First, Michael, Kayne, Vincent, Uli, and Robert. The judges love Michael, Uli, and Vincent (what?) and are not wild about Kayne or Robert.

When Jeffrey, Angela, and Laura come out, the judges are not wild about any of them. Neither am I. They particularly dislike Jeffrey’s.

After deliberation, the designers return to the runway. Michael is in. Laura is in. Vincent is the winner? WHAT? Bullshit.

Uli was robbed, yo. Uli is, of course, in. To her credit, Uli looks happy that her mom was part of the winning outfit. Kayne is in. Angela is in, leaving Jeffrey and Robert as the bottom two. Robert was dull as dirt, but Jeffrey ignored the needs of his client and made an ugly outfit. Robert is out, proving the cardinal rule of Project Runway. Better to be editorial and ugly than dull and mediocre.

Robert is sad, as are the designers, including, to his limited credit, Jeffrey.

Next week, jet-setters! I’m thinking flight attendants.

BoomKat Takes DK To #1
By PopCultureWhore

All of BoomKat's hard work has helped Danity Kane reach #1 on the Billboard charts, ahead of Outkast and Christina Aguilera (and waaay behind Paris, thank God). Click above to watch DK perform "Showstopper" on TRL. It's tranny-tastic.

Don’t Mess With Mama Knowles
By PopCultureWhore

New York hip hop station Hot 97 has suspended DJ Miss Jones after she insulted Beyonce’s mother. Miss Jones has apparently been critical of Beyonce for years, so radio station officials told her to leave early on a day Beyonce was visiting another station in the same building. Timing was not on her side, however, and Miss Jones ran into the singer and her mom in a hallway. Beyonce was civil, attempting to initiate a “Hollywood kiss,” but Miss Jones rebuffed the attempt and told her she didn’t do kisses. Beyonce kept moving, but Tina Knowles stepped up and thanked Miss Jones for discussing Beyonce on the air because it only helped her daughter’s record sales. Miss Jones’ response? “Actually you should thank M.A.C. makeup for hiding all that oldness you have on your face. Now you look like the joker.” Not a good move. Her bosses reacted by suspending her ass for two weeks. Click HERE to listen to another DJ recount the event. I believe it. We’ve already seen her bitch slap Danity Kane on “Making the Band 3.”

K-Fed Gets An 'Entourage'?
by PopCultureWhore

First CSI, now Entourage? K-Fed will be playing the deadbeat husband of a celebrity on the HBO comedy. A source tells the UK Sun that K-Fed is really “keen” to play the part and is not at all insulted. I doubt K-Fed knows what the word “keen” means, but I’m sure he’d be perfect for the role. E! also reported tonight that Sopranos stars Jamie Lynn Sigler (Meadow) and Robert Iler (Anthony) will make an appearance on Entourage next season playing themselves. Meanwhile, is Vincent Chase sampling the Columbian marching powder?
Travis' New Playmate: (+44)
By PopCultureWhore

Travis Barker is not going to sit at home and cry into his bong over his impending divorce from Shanna Moakler. He and former Blink-182 band mate Tom DeLonge are teaming up to form a new band (+44), named after the telephone prefix dialed to call the U.K. The group’s first album, “When Your Hearts Stop Beating,” will debut on Nov. 14. Joining Barker and DeLonge will be ex-Nervous Return member Shane Gallagher and Craig Fairbaugh, who played with Barker in the Transplants. Travis has to compete somehow, seeing as how estranged wife Shanna is sure to become an international superstar after the TV debut of this season’s “Dancing with the Stars.” Speaking of, check out a NYT profile of contestant Tucker Carlson HERE. The Tuckermotion?

Bono Is a Tiny Man
By PopCultureWhore

U2 frontman Bono chatted with fans in St. Tropez recently. He really is a little midget. I'm ok with that, though. He can save my African village any day.

My Little Pony And Me!
By PopCultureWhore

Hilary Duff could use that chin to saw lumber for new homes! Ok, I shouldn’t criticize seeing as how she’s helping hurricane victims rather than wasting money in Beverly Hills boutiques, but let's hope those kids are showing her a good recipe for gumbo. EAT!

Is Yahoo Sponsoring Her Laryngitis?
By PopCultureWhore

Paris' Ex In a Family Way
By PopCultureWhore

Perhaps it’s a good thing Paris Hilton was “just friends” with athlete Matt Leinhart. The fledging pop star was rumored to have dumped Stavros to date the Arizona Cardinals quarterback, but the two denied any romantic encounters. Matt apparently wasn’t taking any sass from the “born again virgin” Hilton because he’s knocked 20-year-old Brynn Cameron, a USC basketball player. A source says the two are “very excited” about the impending child. Yeah, I’m sure he’s thrilled … baby spit up will be a nice touch on the suit he’s going to wear to Hyde next week.