Monday, August 21, 2006

Alison Was Robbed
By Leila Cohan

This might be even sadder than last week. Here we go.

We start on the runway and…oh my sweet fancy Jesus, what is Heidi wearing?

The dress is ill-fitting and weirdly sheer and the boots don’t really go and her hair…oh lordy, her hair. It’s slicked back and I don’t care what America’s Next Top Model has tried to tell me every season, a chignon is not flattering on everyone. Heidi.

She brings out the winning and losing designers’ models from last week. Duh, Michael sticks with Nazri. Heidi tells all the designers that they’ve had it pretty easy thus far. Angela says they haven’t. Shut up, Angela. Heidi tells the designers that they will find out their challenge tomorrow morning.

At 5:00 the next morning, Tim Gunn comes to wake up the designers. He tells them not to wear open-toed shoes. Intriguing!

The designers get in a van headed into New Jersey. As Alison interviews that she was humming the Sopranos theme in her head, a just-different-enough-so-as-not-to-inspire-lawsuits rip of the theme plays. Classy, Bravo. Classy.


The designers arrive at a loading dock in Newark. Tim tells them that the site of their challenge lies behind the door. What turns out to lie behind the door is a recycling facility!

Robert is nervous. Jeffrey seems excited. The designers adorably put on hard hats and safety vests.

Tim and the director of the facility introduce the challenge. There is a nice PSA about the importance of recycling and then Tim tells the designers that they will have a half hour to source their materials and three bins. They will then go to an art store and return to Parsons to start working.

The designers begin to go through the recyclables. Madness ensues! Mylar seems to be popular, as well as burlap bags for peanuts. As Kayne frantically unscrews bottle caps, he says that he grew up white trash and used to go dumpster diving. I love Kayne to infinity, guys. Jeffrey is very excited about finding a copy of Martha Stewart Living. Crazy Vincent Libretti interviews that he’s going to make art. I’m so sure, Crazy Vincent Libretti. I’m so sure.

Apropos of nothing, Michael and Laura beatbox.

The designers and Tim go to Lee’s Art Shop, where they have 15 minutes and $25 to get supplies. Lee’s Art Shop, by the by, stole the logo of Pearl Paint. For the second time in this episode, I spy copyright infringement.

Back at Parsons, the designers are informed that they will only have ten hours to complete the challenge. Like my favorite guilty pleasure, Degrassi: The Next Generation, that is 100% intense.

The designers begin to work. It’s as frantic as you might imagine. Alison is trying to make a skirt out of paper, but it looks like it might be problematic. Angela is doing some dumbass patchwork. Michael interviews that “these materials I chose were really hard and stiff.” Dirty! Crazy Vincent Libretti is not into the challenge. Laura interviews that Vincent is “not mentally stable,” thus winning the “no shit” award of the episode.

With seven hours until deadline, Kayne and Robert take a quick break to eat dinner and talk shit. Predominantly, about Laura. Awesome. Even more awesomely, Robert says her dress “looks like a straightjacket. Looks like she’s sewing for herself again!” Hee.

With six hours to deadline, Alison’s paper skirt is not working out. She decides to start over.

Kayne has succeeded in making one of the ugliest dresses of all time. It’s white and lime green and it has flowers and it’s just bad news all over. To his credit, Kayne knows it’s awful. Laura agrees with him.

Jeffrey is happily staining newspaper. Once again, he thinks he’s going to win.

Michael interviews that he auditioned for Season Two and was rejected. Before that, however, he had written on a sheet of paper “I will make it onto Project Runway and I will win Project Runway.” I honestly think it’s Michael’s game to lose at this point, which makes me terribly happy. He’s a good egg, I think.

Crazy Vincent Libretti has made an awful sheath and is now adding shit to it indiscriminately. Laura talks some shit about it. Fact: she’s completely correct. Fact: she’s also kind of a bitch.

With only an hour and a half until deadline, Tim comes to check in. He thinks Uli’s dress is gorgeous, which it is and that Jeffrey’s is stunning, which is also true.

He gets over to Vincent’s dress and feels some concern. Vincent doesn’t feel any concern. Now, if you listen to Tim Gunn’s podcast, one thing becomes abundantly clear. Tim hates the shit out of Vincent. Knowing that, it’s pretty interesting to watch the two of them interact. Tim tends to sort of laugh things off, but you can kind of see the seething inside. Tim loves Michael’s top, but worries that the skirt is too plain. He is concerned by the fact that Alison’s model is a little “zaftig” and that the outfit might not flatter her. Tim agrees that Kayne’s dress is a hot mess. He tells him that it needs to get fixed ASAP. Kayne is concerned for himself.

With one hour to go, Kayne makes a new skirt. It’s still terrible, but it’s not as bad as it was. Alison is kind of freaking out about the fit of her garment.

On the day of the runway show, the designers have two hours to finish their garments and prep their models. No one’s models can easily get into their garments. The models look universally unhappy.

Over in styling, certain people are making some iffy decisions. Certain people being, of course, Kayne and Alison. Kayne has this very avant-garde makeup look going on for his model, and it just adds to the overall sense of non-coherence of his look.

Alison has had her model’s hair sculpted into a Minnie Mouse bun. It is not cute.

As you might imagine, Laura has something uncharitable to say about this business. On the couches before the runway show, Laura tells Kayne that she worries about his choices. She calls him sweetheart, while doing this, which really sends her over the line into passive-aggressive Wendy Pepper territory. Kayne sunnily replies “Well, honey, I question your character, which is worse.” Oh, burn! Kayne says that he’s not going to berated on camera. That Kayne is spunky, yo.

Alison’s dress doesn’t nip in at her model’s waist, because her model has no waist. Crazy Vincent Libretti surveys his dress and creepily says that it gets him off.

Runway time! Our guest judge today is celebrity stylist and anorexia enabler, Rachel Zoe.

First up is Uli’s dress. It’s really beautiful, but has kind of an unfortunate widening effect around the hips.

Angela’s garment is really very bizarre. I don’t actually dislike the patchwork, but it looks like shortalls worn over a tube top. Not a good look.

Michael’s is beautiful, of course. The gold bandeau is what really stands out, but each piece is really special on its own.

No matter what you think about Vincent’s dress aesthetically (I hate it), it is impossible to deny the fact that HIS MODEL CANNOT WALK IN IT. She almost falls several times. It’s a mess and a half. By far, the worst piece.

Robert’s dress is way pretty, but weirdly reminiscent of Angela’s Audrey Hepburn dress from last week.

Jeffrey’s dress is great: very editorial and the best-moving of the bunch. I’m not wild about the color scheme, but I think that in the end, it falls on the side of sexy-ugly, rather than ugly-ugly.

Laura’s dress is unremarkable. It looks like an Issac Mizrahi for Target piece from the front and third-rate Moschino from the back. I’m just not that into it.

Alison’s biggest problem is that her model is beige from head to toe. Her secondary problem is that the fit is…iffy, to say the least.

Kayne’s garment…well, it looks better than the first draft. Not by much, though.

Uli, Angela, and Robert are safe, leaving Vincent, Alison, and Kayne as the bottom three and Michael, Laura, and Jeffrey as the top. The judges love the chicness and wearability of Michael’s design. Vincent’s dress is criticized for it being ill-moving. Vincent talks back to the judges and repeatedly creepily asserts that his dress turns him on. Ew ew ew

I don’t want to think about that too hard. The judges like the simplicity of Laura’s design. As soon as Heidi says Kayne’s name, he starts babbling. Poor Kayne knows it sucks. The judges appreciate the construction, but think it’s just plain ugly. The judges like the innovation of Jeffrey’s garment and love the trompe l’oilel belt. No one likes Alison’s garment. It makes the model look huge, and they’re angry that a woman designed so poorly for a woman’s figure.

The judges deliberate. When the designers come back onto the runway, Laura is safe. Michael wins.

Jeffrey is in and he is a sore loser. He calls Michael’s outfit “diabetic food.” Man. Jeffrey’s a dick and a half. Kayne is in. At this point, you have to think that Vincent is out, based both on his garment this week and his past performance. But no. Vincent is in and pretty, sweet, lovely Alison is out.

And then! Drama ensues. Laura starts yelling at Vincent that his model couldn’t walk. Distractingly, during this, Laura looks seconds away from a full-fledged nip slip. Vincent responds with the immortal line “Why don’t you put some Harry Winstons up your nose?” I don’t even know what that means, y’all.

Meanwhile, poor Alison is crying. Kayne summons up his maturity and announces that maybe the designers should focus on having a nice last few minutes with Alison. Everyone seems very upset to see Alison go. As am I, folks. As am I.

Some Wentworth For Your Monday

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And Now ... K-Fed

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