Saturday, August 19, 2006

He's Just Not That Into You
By PopCultureWhore

Is it bad that I’m thinking, “There’s no way that he’s into it.” I mean, Nicole looked attractive during that two-week period when she’d dumped the baby fat and before she headed on her downward spiral towards becoming Skeletor’s kid sister. But now she looks like an old lady who’s going through chemo. Then again, Brody Jenner likes ‘em young and dumb (he recently split from “Laguna Beach” star Kristin Cavallari) so this could be perfect. Just don’t let them procreate.

Taps Shoes, Ms. Aguilera?
by PopCultureWhore

Christina Aguilera appeared on “Good Morning America” today in one of my old dance recital costumes. In 1987, my dance studio at the time inexplicably thought that the entire theme of that year’s recital should be patriotism on crack so I donned something similar to Christina’s ensemble and sang “She’s a Grand Old Flag” and a big band version of “Born on the Fourth of July.” I imagine the GMA performance had similar numbers. I listened to snippets of Christina’s new album, Back to Basics, but I’m not really into it at this point. I like a little 40’s influence and big band style, but I think she should’ve taken it and made it her own – like that song she did with Nelly or even “Ain’t No Other Man” – rather tan completely embodying the era.

Snakes On a Mthrfckn Plane Y'all
By PopCultureWhore

I'll bet a bunch of you went out to see this movie tonight. Did you pray to the baby Jesus before bedtime for him to give you those two hours of your life back? Because he's going to say no. Did snakes eat Samuel L. Jackson and Juliana Marguiles? I'll bet Sam Jackson made it off the motherfucking plane and had a snake for breakfast the next day, but I hope Juliana got one hell of a reckoning. I mean, that bitch got Christopher hooked on drugs again. If it's not cement shoes, it should be snakes on a plane. I'm just saying.
Stay Tuned
By TellyWhore

Season four of The Simple Life has finally come to a very disappointing end. It seems that those of us who are dying to know if Paris and Nicole will mend their friendship must wait until the next season to find out. Frankly, I find myself becoming less and less interested by the second.

As the show opens, we see an ecstatic Nicole jumping for joy that she has reached the final day of taping. In the next scene, we meet a sleeping Paris, who shows mild irritation at the prospect of going to another day of “work.” Evidently Paris had just pranced home 90 minutes earlier from some late-night, hard-drinking, after-hours fun. She explains that she has been working every day. I wasn’t aware that shopping and partying were actual jobs. If that is the case, Paris, please send me an application so that I can begin my career in your line of business. Then again, I imagine that sashaying around someone’s home, pretending to do housework while checking yourself out in the mirror could be a rather taxing task if being the hottest thing on the party scene is one’s greatest ambition.

Now, keep in mind that while Paris was much too tired to go to her assignment for the day, she did however find the energy to do her hair, her makeup, call an agency to send a look-alike, and interview the three prospects. She even squeezes in time to meet with her publicist. Where in the world does Paris pull that strength from? Admirable isn’t it?

Paris has hired an imposter, given her some “how to be Paris tips” (including always ask for toast and butter, never hold anything, and a reminder that Nicole is the enemy) and sent Fake Paris on her way. I’ll skip over the part about Fake Paris meeting the family (BORING!!) and get straight to the show’s climax.


What should appear but a skinnier Nicole, and a crafty, wicked sneer? It seems that Paris, in her haste to skip out on her duties, did not realize that she confused a Paris day with a Nicole day. And here is where the drama ensues.

Nicole, realizing that an opportunity too good to pass has presented itself to her, decides to blackmail the Fake Paris. The only way Nicole will continue with the charade is if Fake Paris, born as Natalie, will do anything and everything that Nicole says. That basically translates into putting on Nicole’s shoes and feeding her; you know, humiliating things like that.

Seeing how cooperative Fake Paris is, Nicole, in all of her wicked wisdom, devises an even more devious plan of sabotage that implicates Paris in a complicated threesome with Marc Anthony and the former-man (according to Nicole) Jennifer Lopez that results in an unplanned pregnancy. As my mouth hung open in pure shock at the nerve of Nicole, I could not help but to admire the lengths to which she will go.

Of course, Paris gets wind of Nicole’s master plan, and she races to the host family’s home, just in time to thwart Nicole’s attempt to smear her good, nice name.

And now, what we have all been waiting for…E! Network and The Simple Life producers bring you the battle of the year. The showdown in celebrity town…beauty against beauty. We have Paris Hilton in her corner wearing the blue fur and Nicole Ritchie, in her corner, wearing the all white gown. Who will be the victor? Who will get the last laugh, once and for all? Can you feel the tension? So what happens next, you ask?

Just wait until next season to find out.

Pissed off, aren’t you? Well, me too.
An Idol and a Bucket
by Idol Whore

Justin Timberlake has decided that the best way to promote his upcoming CD is to trash "American Idol" and its current champ Taylor Hicks. The former Mouseketeer told Fashion Rocks magazine, "I have a strange relationship with that show. I despise it, and yet I'm completely fascinated." The Idol Whore finds this to be a very hypocritical statement coming from a guy who once competed on "Star Search." About Taylor Hicks, Justin says, "The guy who won --- people think he looks so normal, and he's so sweet, and he's so earnest, but he can't carry a tune in a bucket."

Wait. It gets better -- or worse depending on your perspective. Justin goes on to say, "If he (Hicks) has any skeletons whatsoever; if, God forbid, he's gay, and all these people in Mississippi who voted for him are like, `Oh, my God, I voted for a queer!' It's just too much pressure."

The Idol Whore is trying to figure out who it is that Justin is chomping on here. Is he questioning Taylor's sexual orientation? Is he beating up on people from Mississippi? "If, God forbid, he's gay." That's odd. I don't recall Justin using the phrase "God forbid" while he was talking about Lance Bass when he recently came out of the closet. Oh, and as a matter of coincidence, Lance just happens to come from the state of Mississippi. Should we read something into this little tirade, or should we just write it off as Justin being under the influence of all those drugs he claims to have consumed?

In the immediate aftermath, Timberlake's reps went into a frenzy in an effort to perform some damage control. One of those wranglers, Ken Sunshine, maintains that Justin's blabbering was "taken completely out of context." Is that so, Little Mr. Sunshine? Perhaps you could explain to the class the kind of context in which these remarks could be made where they would not sound petty and obnoxious. Sunny couldn't stretch that far, so he instead told the Associated Press that "(Justin) has tremendous affection for Taylor Hicks' success. He would never say anything that personal about somebody he's never met. He only wishes him the best." I know you're just doing your little PR job, K-Sun, and the Idol Whore gives you a merit badge for the effort --- even if no one believes you. Still, you might think about giving your boy a quick smack upside the head. As of Friday, 77% of the respondents to an AOL poll voted that Justin's remarks were unfair and totally out of line.

As for Taylor Hicks, he and his representatives have chosen to take the high road. Liz Morentin, a representative for Taylor's label RCA, declined to comment. Then again, that may not have been the high road exactly. It may have been the only road. After all, how is one supposed to respond to a low blow like that? The Idol Whore is totally bummed out. I like Justin just as much as anybody --- which is why I'm calling him into account. He is certainly entitled to his opinion just like everybody else, but still, taking a public shot at somebody who has never done anything to you is so low class --- and Justin should know this. So many cheap shots were hurled in his direction when he was with *N Sync. Eminem used to dog them all the time, and stores were selling hats that read *N Suck and *N Stink. He ought to know better. Let's hope he figures it out before he gives his next interview.

Play nice, kids . Idol Whore out.