Thursday, August 10, 2006

By PopCultureWhore

J’Lo is slowly morphing into a tacky Jersey stage mom. She joined hubby Skeletor onstage for a recent performance donning the latest in mall hair and prom dresses. Who pays money to see his ass sing? And is the exposed chest really necessary? And I know Bailamos was Enrique Iglesias and not this piece of trash, but I can’t remember anything he sings so whatevs.

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Don't Touch the Talent!
by PopCultureWhore

David and Victoria Beckham might be the next celebrities to be in the presence of the alien child, Suri Cruise. They’ve reportedly been issued an invitation to view the baby, but were instructed not to touch her or do any baby talk in her presence. This is probably bullshit, but I’ll continue the madness. X17 psychos were hovering over the Cruise abode earlier today and claim to have captured shots of Suri through the window. I guess that could be a baby, but it could also be a pile of sticks on a blanket.

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I'll Make You A Star, Kid
By PopCultureWhore

New York Magazine has a hard-hitting look at being a celebrity in the Big Apple. Apparently, celebrities are EVERYWHERE! You can’t partake in a back alley crack deal without tripping over Naomi Watts, Maggie Gyllenhaal or even Regis. But for those of us without a carefully trained celeb eye or the ability to spend afternoons strolling through the West Village and SoHo, paparazzi photographers supply us with a much needed fix. But just who are these stalker shutterbugs? They are the rather unattractive and creepy young gentlemen you see below, whose shots have sometimes made them more money than the celebrities they photograph might earn on a single film.

Leigh Green

Green made $20,000 for shots of Celine Dion swimming with the dolphins on vacation. He also snapped pictures of Pink’s Costa Rican wedding by enlisting another pap to head to the beach and pretend to be a gay couple. He says that everyone has made money off of Britney Spears and that Jennifer Aniston is an “asshole.” If I knew this schlub was making thousands by taking my picture, I might be an asshole too.

Frank Ross

Frankie-poo claims to be very street smart and says he trolls supermarkets, restaurants and parks frequented by celebs. He captured the first candid shots of Julia Roberts’ twins. Shots that don’t make money? Jude Law, Sean Penn, John Travolta, Robert Downey Jr., Tobey Maguire and a solo Leonardo DiCaprio.

Steve Sands

Sands made between $500,000 to $750,000 for the first shots of Gwenyth Paltrow’s baby Apple. He says the star e-mailed him to say that she was having the baby and invited him to come shoot her.

Lawrence Schwartzwald

Lawrence made five figures for a winking Lindsay Lohan shopping on Madison Ave. the day after he dad was thrown in jail. He’s been injured by Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson’s security detail and split his lip while chasing Madge.

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By PopCultureWhore

Nicholas Cage is absconding with his child bride and their new son to Bavaria. The “World Trade Center” star has purchased a castle there in honor of his mother. “Her ancestors are all from good old Bavaria,” Cage tells a German magazine. The 9,688-square-feet abode, dubbed Schloss Neidstein, sits on a hill and features 10 bedrooms and five bathrooms. He’ll probably move there, channel his “Leaving Las Vegas” character and become a raging alcoholic, refuse to let his 22-year-old wife leave the premises and only allow his son to wear lederhosen. When it’s a little too chilly, they can all travel to the private island in the Bahamas Cage purchased in May.

Who's Right Now?
By Leila Cohan

Are you ready, really ready for the highest drama hour in television outside of Flavor of Love? Because here it is, bitches.

We start in the morning at Atlas. Uli and Bonnie hope they don’t have to move in with Angela. Jeffrey thinks Keith is a bullshitter. On the runway, Heidi introduces the challenge: they will be designing for Inc, Macy’s biggest in-house line. Heidi says that “to mix it up”, they will be allowed to choose new models. Uli takes Nazri, Keith’s old model, since she thinks Nazri gives Keith an advantage. Most of the designers switch models, but not all.

In the workroom, Tim introduces Mehmet Tamboren, a big up at Macy’s. He tells them that the design needs to be three-piece, and for a fashion-forward, ageless woman. They will be working in teams of three and must each pitch to Mehmet, who will choose four team leaders.

The designers sketch. Sketch, designers, sketch! They pitch to Mehmet. It’s fairly dull, except for Crazy Vincent Libretti’s proclamation that “I hear gray is going to be the next brown.” You can feel free to make your own joke about which of the voices in his head told him that.


Back in the workroom, Mehmet chooses Robert, Bonnie, Keith, and Angela to be the team leaders. No one looks too happy that Angela was chosen.

Jeffrey interviews that he was afraid Angela would pick him. Hee. The team leaders pick their teams. Angela chooses Michael and Laura. Michael, in particular, is not all that jazzed about it.

Robert chooses Kayne and Vincent, Keith chooses Alison and Jeffrey, and Bonnie chooses Uli and poor Bradley, who’s the last to be chosen. Oh! I love Bradley. He’s dear. Tim lets the designers know that the winning design will be sold at Macy’s.

The designers caucus. Vincent is unhappy about Robert’s design. Laura also looks concerned for Angela’s plans. Keith delegates each piece to someone. He gives Alison and Jeffrey the harder pieces.

At Mood, Bonnie’s team is having some trouble finding fabrics in their price range. Michael and Laura guide Angela to some nice fabric choices, prompting Laura to give one of my favorite quotes of the episode: “It was more appropritate…than the full-tilt-boogie, quilted Angela extravaganza…of puff.” Guys, I kind of love Laura. I can’t help it. It doesn’t hurt that she’s always near my favorite contestant, Michael.

At the register, Keith is haggling with the cashier because they went over budget. Jeffrey thinks Keith is shady. In a moment of blatant foreshadowing (more like eightshadowing, really), Keith interviews that “I always kind of break the rules, like, a tiny bit sometimes, cause I know I’m right.”

The designers buckle down in the workroom. Bonnie is nagging Bradley. Bradley continues to win my love with my next favorite quote of the night: “Maybe Bonnie was doing that because she doesn’t like my beard. Maybe I should shave everything and just leave a mustache. Maybe then she’d sort of…lighten up.” Oh, Bradley Baumkirchner, marry me!

Over at Team Keith, Keith wants Alison to help him. Alison has to make the armhole for him. Jeffrey posits that Keith has previously been successful by making very simple garments and being charming. Kayne interviews that Jeffrey and Alison are doing all of Keith’s work for him. Sure looks that way to me.

The designers go home for the night and the shit hits the fan. Kayne tells Vincent that he saw pattern-making books in Vincent’s room. Vincent is appalled. Pattern-making books are serious contraband, apparently. Kayne then asks Robert and Michael. They, too, are appalled. Robert tells Kayne to take it to the producers.

Tim Gunn arrives at the apartment. He interviews that there is a rule forbidding fashion how-to books and, in an off-camera incident, Keith left the set without permission and used the internet, both of which were further violations of the rules. Tim tells Keith that the books make him sick and Keith will have to leave the production tonight.

And then, then, something awesome happens: Keith apologizes to the other male designers. It doesn’t go well. Keith apologizes, Kayne says that Keith brought this upon himself and Robert also shames him. Now, while you could read this as Kayne and Robert kicking Keith while he was down, the way Keith responds is to invite pity on himself in a profoundly assholish voice. So, the winner in this argument? Everyone who is not Keith. Keith says he never used the books to give himself an unfair advantage. Bye Keith! No Auf Wiedersehn for you!

The next day in the workroom, Tim tells the designers about Keith. No one seems too surprised. Laura interviews that she’s glad Keith is gone. Tim delivers what is, perhaps, the Ultimate Tim Gunn Line: “Jeffrey and Alison are going to have to carry on and, frankly, make it work.” They look pretty freaked out. Alison seems sad. Alison is sweet.

Over at Team Bonnie, things are alright, although Bradley looks scared of Bonnie. He finishes up the trifecta of awesome quotes from the night when he interviews “I’m a fish out of water, I’m a squid with no ocean, I’m an eagle with no sky” and then giggles. Yay!

Team Robert can’t decide how they feel about their design. Vincent and Kayne look concerned, but Robert stands by it.

Over at Team Angela, Angela is making some more fucking rosettes. Laura and Michael talk shit about her in the sewing room. I love their friendship. Michael is reall disturbed by the possibility of the rosettes. Laura very sensibly suggests that maybe the rosettes could just be the buttons. Everyone seems to be okay with that.

Tim visits. He worries that Robert’s design is matronly. He thinks Angela’s design looks good. Bonnie’s pants (made by Bradley) have some trouble in the front. Uli interviews that this was the fault of Bonnie’s design, not Bradley’s sewing. Jeffrey and Alison are doing great.

On the morning of the runway show, Team Robert realizes that the slit on the skirt is way too high. Michael takes over the styling for Team Angela. I love Michael. I desperately want him to make the final three.

Runway time! Vera Wang is once again sitting in for La Kors. WHERE ARE YOU, MICHAEL KORS???? I miss you. Also, what is Heidi wearing???

First up, we have Team Angela. God help us all, but it’s actually super cute. Commercial, but not too dull, whimsical, but not too precious. I hate to say it, but good job, Angela.

Next up, we have Team Robert. It’s strange on multiple levels. Most obviously, the jacket simply doesn’t go with the rest of the outfit. Furthermore, even if we’re only dealing with the bottom part of the outfit, the top is very matronly, while the skirt is a little…duh nuh nuh nuh.

Team Bonnie is next. It’s not that it isn’t cute, but it’s incredibly dull.

Finally, we have the Former Team Keith. I think it looks absolutely fantastic on the model, and I love love love the jacket and pants, but I feel like the top might be a little avant garde for the client. It looks a little like a broken unitard.

The Former Team Keith and Team Angela have the highest scores. Team Bonnie and Team Robert have the lowest. Heidi sends the crappy teams off stage so the judges can talk to the good teams. The judges like the proportions and color palette of Team Angela’s design. They’re impressed by Jeffrey and Alison’s work skills, and the sexiness of the pants. Heidi tells the designers that the winning outfit will be displayed in the window of the Herald Square Macy’s the next morning and the designers will see who won then.

The low-scoring teams are brought out. Heidi asks Bonnie’s model to take off the jacket. Oh! It is not pretty when she does. The tunic is really ill-fitting and, while the cowl neck looked okay above the jacket, it looks disgusting on the tunic.

Heidi thinks the pants look cheap and Nina just hates them. Nina asks Bradley how he feels about the outfit. Bradley brilliantly responds “I think what we made is very close to the sketch.” Way to totally blame Bonnie without saying it! That was awesome. The judges are as confused by Team Robert’s outfit as I am.

The judges deliberate and then bring the bad designers back to the runway. Uli is in, Kayne is in, Vincent is in, and Bradley is in. Robert is in, and so Bonnie is out. She cries. It’s very sad.

The next morning, Team Angela and The Former Team Keith head over to Macy’s. Angela won! I dislike Angela immeasurably, but I do think that’s the correct decision for the client. Jeffrey and Alison are sad. Better luck next week!

You Kiss Lionel With That Mouth?
By TellyWhore

This week my favorite rivals are spending time with a family who focuses on nurturing and expanding the creative potential of their three youngsters. Who better to step in and add flavor than Ms. Ritchie and the soon to be Mrs. Niarchos? Meet the Burton family.

Allow me take a moment and ponder the true point of this show. Believe it or not, I actually believed that The Simple Life was about two filthy rich girls who were stepping away from high society, right into the cheaper, and less trendy shoes of the “common folk.” As the show proceeds, I am beginning to realize this show is merely another publicity stunt to add to the continuing love affair that the media has with Paris and Nicole, and that is what has been bothering me.

Please do not misunderstand, I love a good publicity stunt every now and again. I understand how celebrity works. They have to keep their fans entertained and there is nothing better than a good old fashioned pregnancy, a quickie marriage, or even an arrest to drum up some business. What bothers me is that this show is the worst kind of publicity stunt because it is so OBVIOUS! I mean really, what does Paris being on the set of her video or Nicole meeting with Diane Warren have in common with The Simple Life. There is nothing simple about that at all.


While I am on a tangent, doesn’t Nicole remind you of an insolent child? She is like a five year old who has just learned about the effect of a well-placed curse word. Of course, the child waits to use it at the most inopportune time, like during a dinner party for her parent’s friends, all of whom happen to be devout Catholics. She loves the look of shock mixed with horror that spreads across their faces. She will use that word over and over again, at PTA meetings and play dates, trying to elicit that same look of shock and horror until you can no longer ignore it and are forced to shove a bar of Dove in the little one’s mouth just to shut them up. Nicole, I wish you would just grow up.

I do not want to give the impression that I am a prude or that I am pure of speech at all times, because I have had my days when I have slipped (and rather easily I might add) into my second language of sailor-ese. However, I understand the unwritten code to using foul language. With the exception of a few circumstances that may warrant it and of course, unless you are Colin Farrell, foul language is only to be thrown around with little regard for others at bars, in the privacy of one’s own home, and baseball games. Foul language is never, ever, ever used in front of children under thirteen. What was Nicole really thinking about having small children yell out curse words? If the cameras were not present, I have a feeling Mr. Burton would have had a few choice words for Nicole. Something like, “Get the *bleep* out of my *bleep*-ing house, you *bleep*, *bleep* *bleep*. And I can’t say I would blame him.

Back to the matter at hand…I am going to skip right past the ever-bored Paris posing as the clay model for the kids. I will not even mention Nicole’s use of some poor, pathetic pizza man as a model for the kids posing with one hand on his bottom and a thumb in his mouth. Why even bother discussing Nicole using a wall as a canvas for the artists?

Instead, I would like to head straight to the music video: music by Nicole, directed by Paris, starring the Burton family. Let’s start with Nicole’s song, “It’s a Hard to be a Mutha.” Scene 1: Nicole asked the children what words came to mind when they thought of their mother. The children used words like kind and nice and loving. So Nicole goes off to write a song. Scene 2: The Burton family and Nicole in the studio listening to the music that the father has created. Nicole heads into the studio booth to “lay the track.” Now, at this point, I really believed that she was about to spill out some deep and heartfelt song that would cause my own eyes to water and shame me into calling my mother. I mean, she just met with Diane Warren, the ultimate song writer, right? Suffice it to say, Nicole remained true to her self. Between the constant bleeping, I could not make out one word that the children gave her.

Paris produced the video and she was certain to let her feelings about the “rapper” be known. True to form, Paris found a way to include Limar, the Roto-Rooter man into another episode. He played Mr. Burton, while Paris persuaded Mr. Burton to dress up as his wife. Enough said.

I didn’t know what to expect from the final product, so you can imagine my surprise when I found my self mildly entertained by the video. As if that was not enough of a shocker, Paris only made ONE cameo in the video…go fig. Oh yeah, 3-6-Mafia agreed to let her direct their next video.

As you all know, this season of The Simple Life is winding down. The season finale is scheduled for next week. This is what we know: 1. Their paths are bound to cross eventually and so it seems they do just that on next week’s episode. 2. For the first time all season, these two exchange words and according to the previews, the words exchanged are not friendly. So now the question is, are we in for one of the most anticipated girl fights or will the ex-bests kiss and make up? I guess we have to tune in to find out.
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Dude, I'm So "Exhausted"
By PopCultureWhore

“Georgia Rule” is reportedly not the first movie set on which Lindsay Lohan was a little snot cake. According to a note posted by an anonymous “Herbie: Fully Loaded” crew member, Lohan’s recent hospitalization for exhaustion is “exactly the same inconsiderate shit she pulled on the Herbie production.” The writer claims that Lohan “stayed out all night [and] played the exhaustion card a couple of times.” She allegedly called in sick so she could spend the day with former boyfriend Wilmer Valderamma and skipped work the night after shooting her music video. The crew member also says Lohan demanded that the desert race sets be built closer to the Four Seasons because she had signed on to “do a film in Los Angeles” and going to El Mirage was too far away. She also refused to read her off-screen lines for co-star Michael Keaton. “Funny se seemed to have no trouble with those other off-screen lines,” the crew member writes. Meow!

Frankly, I believe it. Lately, she’s come across as this snot-nosed LA kid – like that girl on your floor in college who slept all day, took the Lexus to Starbucks around 2 p.m. instead of going to class and now works as a fashion buyer for Barneys. Lohan whines about working so hard, but if you read this month’s Elle interview with her, you’ll see that she re-scheduled the interview three times for no good reason. I work harder than her brushing my teeth every morning. Nonetheless, Lohan's wordsmith of a flack told the anonymous letter writer to "stop hiding behind blind anonymity!" Right.

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