Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Beauty and the Beastly Boyfriend
By PopCultureWhore

I'll say it again, I’m getting restless for some BoomKat. Watching the ladies of Danity Kane record songs that are destined for the iTunes “free download” section is like watching paint dry. Pink, sparkly paint, but paint nonetheless.

We open once again in Miami. The girls are getting ready for some beach blanket bingo. “We can’t work all the time,” Aundrea camera talks.

This week’s theme is “Aubrey is pretty but not the most talented.” To underscore this heavy concept, we are greeted with her tan-ness as she strolls down a Miami sidewalk towards a trendy boutique. “Do you model?” a pre-pubescent voice yells.

Diddy the Great tells us that “image is everything” in Miami. “You have to have the right car, the right outfit on.” Bathing suits apparently count as an outfit, as we flash to Aubrey trying on several suits, including this Spiderman-esque little number. Do a twirl, girlfriend!

Aubrey channels Britney’s Dateline interview and begins the “improper air quote” usage segment of tonight’s show.

Aubrey: Diddy’s life story is about “preserving the sexy.”

Aubrey: My biggest challenge in this group is going to be fighting against the misconceptions of who I am. I always play the “sexy role.” Sometimes I put it on myself and sometimes it’s put on me.

Tonight on Masterpiece Theatre, Aubrey will demonstrate when that sexy role is put on her. I think one of these guys was the pre-teen who asked her if she modeled. I’m going for the one on the left. They're bringing sexy back, y'all.

For once, Aubrey does not like.

Remember Rudy? No, not the Illinois teen who beat all the odds to play football for Notre Dame. He’s awesome, but we’re talking about the monosyllabic brute of a music producer Aundrea has called lover for the past two years.


After returning home from Aubrey’s evening of empowerment, she rings up her young beau.

Aundrea: I just got home and am calling to say hi. I miss you.
Rudy: Are you drunk?

Life doesn’t stop for emotionally abusive boyfriends, however. Diddy wants an album by August and the king shall have what he wants!

This week’s weed-friendly producer is Brian Cox, who has written a song for the ladies called Right for You. He looks very comfortable as Aubrey leans in for her bear hug ...

Aundrea channels her Rudy rage into the song and gets props from BC. “The emotion that you’ve got on that joint, it’s good,” he says.

Aubrey, however, has only her Terminator-esque boyfriend T1000 at home and a few errant split ends to try her emotions, so she struggles to abandon the sexy.

“You’ve got to support that. Put a little more emotion into it,” BC demands. Nope.

Enter Diddy, on break from finding Waldo. He reiterates that this is an “emotional joint.” He’s pleased by Aundrea and Dawn’s efforts, but is less than enthused by Auberella.

He demands that she “freak that shit” before the Vietnam flashbacks hit. “Why are you looking at me like that, like you don’t know what I’m saying?” he says, before asking her three more times why she's “looking at me like that.”

Back at the hotel, it’s another deep conversation between Aundrea and Rudy.

Aundrea: Are you watching TV
Rudy: Hell yes, I am
Aundrea: Can you turn it off for a second?
Rudy: It’s Prison Break
Aundrea: It’s like what you wait for all week, huh?
Rudy: Yes
Aundrea: Sorry
Rudy: Call me tomorrow
Aundrea: Ok.

Ah, sweet nothings. Is that Shannon sleeping in the bed next to her? She was probably trying to watch "Prison Break" too.

God damnit, they’re recording more songs. They listen to the first BC hit and Aundrea and Dawn realize BC stripped Aubrey from the song.


Then it’s time to record the BC joint that plays over the opening credits, but Aubrey also has limited mic time on this song and spazzes out.

Dawn plays mother hen and pulls Johnny Record Producer aside. He informs her that it’s the producer’s prerogative as to who they put on their tracks. He tells her that some producer for the Backstreet Boys really loved Nick Carter and Brian Littrell, who are now doing crappy reality TV and songs about Jesus, respectively. Good move. Word of advice – don’t reference the BSB when you’re telling stories about achieving greatness.

He reiterates this for the ladies. Aubrey asks how she can be better and he tells her to wear a tighter outfit. Ok, he actually gives her some bullshit about her tone being off for the song. Then he tells her to do some sit ups while the other girls record some songs.

Aubrey gets her chance at the mic when Pooh Bear returns to add some vocals to the Scott Storch track. He must have been mesmerized by her pink tube top and overalls because the shit she spewed for him was far worse than anything she laid down for Brian Cox. Nonetheless, Aubrey declares that she is “always going to find my way back to the group.” I’m sure they’re thrilled.

Scott Storch returns, looking vaguely like a hip-hop Melissa Etheridge and whole gang passes the corvoissier and rocks out to the track.

Aundrea once again tries to connect with Rudy, but he’s getting ready for a date or a record producing session or something. “Can you talk to me a little longer?” she pleads. He tells her to shut her mouth and get him a beer. Don’t worry honey, he’ll apologize in the morning and let you get him a beer the right way!

Oh yeah, nice name.

Previous Recaps:

Episode 5: These Dudes Keep Grabbing Me!
Episode 4: Aubrey: Boom Kat For Life

Episode 3: I Love You Whores Forever!

Episode 2: Boom Kat, You Bitches!
Episode 1: Trannies Save New Orleans
Demi Classes Up Royal Bash
By AngloWhore

God bless Demi Moore. Just when you thought royal British eyebrows couldn’t be raised any further, our little Yankee Doodle Dandy does us proud. The lavish, over-the-top Victorian themed 18th birthday celebration of Princess Bea, daughter of Prince Andrew and Sarah “Fergie” Ferguson, came and went with a bang, costing over $1 million. The senior royals, including the Queen, Harry, and Wills, snubbed the event, which got British tongues wagging, but who could complain about the eye candy that did attend, including Princess Caroline’s son Andrea Casiraghi?

But of course, there’s Demi.

In a Red Bull-induced frenzy, Ms. Moore decides to remind us just who exactly the queen really is! Pulling a switcheroo, she changed from the requisite, made-to-measure Victorian attire into a pair of jeans, bringing barnyard chic to Windsor Castle. Why? Who knows? Maybe her skin was too tight. All I know is that you can take the girl out of the trailer park, but you can’t take the trailer park out of the girl.

(Source) Posted by Picasa
Just Say No
By PopCultureWhore

Lindsay Lohan channels Julianne Moore's character in "Boogie Nights and strikes a heroin chic pose at Jeremy Piven's birthday party on July 23. Lindsay was 11 when that movie came out, FYI. For more pics and Piven's bemused expression, click HERE.

 Posted by Picasa
Full-Length SexyBack

Whore Links

Janet Confused About Engagement (People)

Agent Scully Knocked Up (People)

Angelina In Talks for 'Sin City 2' (Hollywood.com)

Peter Cook Likes Young Girls, White Powder? (National Enquirer)

Paris Not A Hacker (Zee News)

Tom Awarded TomCruise.com (E! Online)

Scarlett Johansson Joins ‘Dallas’ Cast? (Female First)

Mr. Big at NASCAR (Indy Channel) Posted by Picasa
Do You Dream About Me?

An 80's afternoon dance party courtesy of "Mannequin" for you.
Mayday BoomKat, Mayday!!
By PopCultureWhore

Sadly I did not make it out to Brooklyn on Friday for Danity Kane's performance. Apparently, neither did their stylists. I don't see BoomKat anywhere so I can only assume she was at home alone with a bottle of Jack, laughing hysterically at what will become of my favorite trannies. But seriously, if Diddy was concerned about the ladies' Forever 21-esque Orlando fashion choices in a recent episode, why on earth did he OK these monstrosities? The world may never know.

(Source) Posted by Picasa
Simple Wizardry
By Telly Whore

You should know one important thing about me, TellyWhore. I am always the very last to catch on to the latest trends. I am just starting to cultivate my “trailer park chic” wardrobe, complete with Von Dutch trucker hats (courtesy of China Town, of course…I’m so sorry Mr. Dutch.) I got my first cellular phone only four months ago (sans picture and video messaging) and I can now ignore everybody on the train too, because I just got the iPod shuffle.

Well, in the midst of a very long and unplanned “vacation,” I discovered the wonderful, magical Harry Potter chronicles. Having just finished book five and beginning book six, which is by far the most entertaining of them all, I managed to miss most of the last episode of The Simple Life.
I promise my intentions were honorable. I turned on to E! network promptly at 10pm, lay across the bed with my Corona (and a lime) and was fully prepared to watch every minute of The Simple Life. I had my note pad and pen at the tip of my fingers so I could take notes of any interesting things said or done by the celebutantes, but somewhere between the opening credits and the first commercial, my mind began to wander back to Harry Potter.


Getting involved with this book series must be how a crack addict feels. I say to myself, “Oh, I’m bored so I’ll just try one,” and before I knew it I was totally hooked. I told myself that I was simply going to open the book to finish the chapter. Well, 47 minutes and three chapters later, I looked up from the book and realized that I had missed the entire episode of The Simple Life.

Okay, I’ll be totally and completely honest. I really wasn’t a bit more interested in The Simple Life than Draco Malfoy is interested in befriending Harry Potter. (I know, I know, I know… enough with the Harry Potter references, but it’s a really good book). While my intentions did begin earnestly enough, I was soon torn away by something…well…more entertaining. When given the choice between juvenile sci-fi and a juvenile bitch fest, I’ll pick the sci-fi any day; however, I did manage to tear my eyes away from the book to see a few highlights.

I read the info on the Cablevision description to discover that this week, Paris and Nicole were planning a camping trip for a family of Little People (I don’t know what the correct term is, but I feel like Little People should be capitalized). I wonder if Nicole made any references to genitals in this episode or was she able to control her self from making a terribly offensive remark?

The next scene I happened to catch was with a spot-a- potty flying down the street, stopping abruptly at some neighbor’s trash cans. I’m assuming the screaming that accompanied the run away spot-a-potty meant that someone was actually inside the potty. When I think of a spot-a-pot, Nicole automatically comes to mind. I’ll bet she rented it, didn’t she?
Also, I happened to catch a preview of this past Sunday’s show on E! so I know that Nicole goes careening into the camp sight at 100mph in a mommy-mobile. I presume that if any one were hurt, it would have made the national news, so I can chalk that up to just another Nicole-ism.

I also happened to see a small snippet of the Little People family in a hotel room with some baby bears. I didn’t actually see this scene played out during the episode, but again I assume that the Hilton hotel heiress decided she was much too special to sleep outside so she treated the Little People family to a stay at one of the Hilton hotels. Am I right? Now, I did happen to catch a scene of Paris running down a hall way as if she were sneaking out of her assignment? I thought Paris was the “nice” one?!

Last and most least, the show ended with some random guy sitting on a rock in what appeared to be the desert and the announcer said he was looking for some keys. Did Nicole toss the keys to the van into the great wilderness? Did I really miss a lot?

I feel like I have let the public down this week. It is my duty to report the latest happenings between the dueling duo to those of you unfortunate enough not to have cable, and I let Harry Potter take over my mind.

Seriously, I find that as the weeks go by and we move closer and closer to that season finale, I can’t help but to feel relieved. “Whew, five episodes down…how many more to go?” This show is methodically diminishing all the celeb admiration I had for those two. Before the start of this season of The Simple Life, I could have been the president of the Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie fan club. I would have worn the button proudly and boldly in public. I would have shouted from the roof tops of Brooklyn, “I LOVE YOU BITCHES! THAT’S HOT!” The thrill is gone. I need to be entertained and right now, Harry Potter is way more entertaining than Paris and Nicole’s Simple Life. Now that’s NOT hot.

Previous Recaps:
Paris, Nicole Reunion in the Works?
Til Boredom Do Us Part
Keeping That Spark Alive
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Hail to the Idol
By IdolWhore

The top 10 “American Idol” finalists will be making a high-profile stop in Washington, DC for a photo-op at the White House. There is a connection here, albeit a dated one. Susan Whitson, now press secretary to Laura Bush, was once TAYLOR HICKS’ high school English teacher. Whitson claims to have always respected Taylor's musical gifts, but some of her former students say that her recollection has become clouded by her desire to latch on to Taylor's new-found fame. One of Taylor's classmates has quoted Whitson as incessantly telling Taylor to "put that stinkin' harmonica away!" I guess it's not so "stinkin'" now, is it Whitson?

It had to happen...Pickler got picked up. KELLIE PICKLER, season five sixth place finalist has officially inked a deal with 19 Recordings/BNA Records, part of the RCA family of music-makers. 19 Recordings is where many Idols, such as Kelly Clarkson, Fantasia, and Ruben Studdard, started their professional engines. The 20-year-old Pickler will be recording her debut album between dates during this summer's American Idols tour. Plans are to release her first single to radio stations in September and follow up with a full-length CD in November. Let's face it: nothing goes better with the holidays than salmon, calamari, and the Pickler.

CHRIS DAUGHTRY has been collaborating with some major artists, including Live frontman Ed Kowalczyk and Fuel’s Carl Bell. There are also plans for Daughtry to spend quality time with Nickelback frontman Chad Kroeger. Daughtry is thinking about putting together his own band, which may provide employment for members of his former group, Absent Element. Daughtry will go into the studio near the end of the “Idol” tour in September to record what he says, "won't be a pop album." Thanks for the warning, Chris. And to think we were expecting you to cover some ABBA tunes.

John Paulus, a former Green Beret, says he regrets going public with his claim that he had met Season 2 runner-up CLAY AIKEN through a gay website and that they'd had a one night stand in December 2005. So much for the military's "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" rule. I hope you're still getting your pension, John. Paulus assumes "full and complete responsibility" for the story getting out, insisting that posting the tale on his bang-and-blab blog was an effort to "get even" with Aiken's rabid fans. Is that right? Are you telling me that a Green Beret can't handle the heat from a bunch of little girls, middle-aged housewives, and stubborn flight attendants? Not very hoo-ha of you, Johnny Boy! Paulus went on to write that his blog ramblings were "not an attempt to ruin Clay or to seek attention, it was used as a vice to seek vengeance against those fans who continued to soil my name and compromise my livelihood. My vengeance was done at the expense of another human being and I apologize to Clay for that and I hope he will accept." Nice work there, Johnny Boy. That ought to settle down those pesky Claymates...in your dreams!

Clay's fellow Season 2 finalist and former housemate KIMBERLEY LOCKE offers some simple advice to those hoping to wow the judges at this year's auditions. "Be true to yourself," K-Lo says. "Don't try to figure out and read the judges' minds about what they're looking for. You never know what they're looking for. Have fun." Kimberley recently moved to New York, which has a much quicker pace than her native Tennessee. She co-wrote 9 of the songs on her upcoming CD entitled "Based on a True Story," which is scheduled to drop in September. The first single, "Supawoman," is already getting a few nice spins on R&B and hip-hop stations around the country. Kimberley states that the new album is an expression of her post-"Idol" liberation, which includes some music dealing with a messy break-up. "It's based on things that were going on in my life during that time," she says, "and you know, through that, I was able to put my feelings down on paper and into song." She jokes that the process was "better than therapy." No kidding? Better than therapy? Maybe John Paulus should try to score a record deal.

Show's over for now, kiddies! Idol Whore out! Posted by Picasa
Liz Hurley Goin' to the Chapel
By AngloWhore

Poor Liz Hurley. I mean, I really feel for the girl. If Hollywood does a rom-com version of the Book of Job, I say she gets the lead. Hugh Grant cheats on her with Divine Brown of all people, and then moves on to marry one of the wealthiest Afghan Hounds in England. What? Oh, that’s not a dog?

Anyway, Steven Bing denies being the father of their son, while painting her as the town slut. Even if the town is Hollywood, that’s still gotta hurt. Then she finally finds love with Arun Nair, but wait - he's married and the wife decides she’s gonna make him wait for a divorce for like, oh, a couple of years.

But now the divorce has gone through and our gal Liz has announced that they intend to marry this September in Gloucestershire, England. Exhibiting the smart decisions she’s made in life, she says: “If I had a dress designed I’d be in absolute agony. I have so many friends in the fashion industry I wouldn’t know who to go to.”

Liz, honey, listen to me and listen to me now – start hauling ass now. That dress is the least of your worries. You go light a fire under Arun’s ass and march him down that aisle, you hear me? Pull a Pammy Anderson and wear one of your bikinis from your bathing suit line, I don’t care. Time's a-runnin' out girl, just get you and your victim self betrothed!"

Meanwhile, E! Online reports that Hurley will replace Brittany Murphy as the new face of Jordache jeans (above) in the fall. "Liz represents everything the Jordache brand is about. We chose her because she is the true modern woman," says Jordache. Hurley will be pushing the '70s denim brand's Vintage line, as well as the new Legacy line.

(Source) Posted by Picasa
So Happy Togeeeeether!
By PopCultureWhore

Aww, good to see Avril Lavigne and Deryck Whibley are spending some quality time together before the impending divorce announcement. Waverunners are so romantic. I imagine there was also some paintball, a video game challenge and a few Cleveland steamers involved during the Italian honeymoon. Posted by Picasa
By PopCultureWhore

Brunette Jessica and Nick Lachey snuggled up and did whatever it is they do. People reports that the perky MTV VJ and Mr. Lachey hit up NYC nightclub Butter on Monday, where they danced to Shakira, Justin Timberlake and Jay-Z's "99 Problems." Admit it Nick, you liked it when a bitch was one of your problems! The mag also reports that Nick thoroughly enjoyed "Eye of the Tiger" and did shots with Wilmer Valderrama. Christ, for real?

(Source) Posted by Picasa
I’m Sorry (I Got Caught)
By PopCultureWhore

Christie Brinkley’s husband Peter Cook is issuing a Jude Law-esque public apology to his wife for cheating on her with a 19-year-old aspiring singer. Let’s hope Christie is smarter than Sienna Miller and tells him where he can stick his apology. "I'm sorry. I'm contrite. I'm stupid. Foolish. No excuse,” he tells gossip columnist Cindy Adams through his lawyer, Norman Sheresky. How touching. Cook might want to start out by hiring a different lawyer. Sheresky contacted gossip columnist Cindy Adams to relay Cook’s message, but closed by telling her that “people like YOU can go away.” He also sagely points out that Cook “didn't invent adultery.” Um, ok? That’s lawyer speak for, “I’ve got nothing.”

Mo’s Phat Ass Kicked Off Flight
by PopCultureWhore

Comedienne Mo’nique was booted from a United Airlines flight this week after getting into an altercation with flight attendants. An assistant for the “Fat Chance” host stashed Mo’nique’s hairdryer in a bin near her first class seat, though the assistant was seated in coach. A flight attendant reportedly refused to believe that the goods belonged to Mo’nique.

“Since 9/11, we don’t play around,” one attendant allegedly told Mo’nique. “Are you equating my hair dryer with 9/11?” she asked. Good comeback! It didn’t play so well to the United Airlines crew, who eventually escorted the 38-year-old mother of twins back to the terminal at Chicago’s O’Hare Airport.

This did not please Mo’nique, who was en route to New York to play guest host on “The View.” She is vowing never to fly United again “and I hope no black person will fly them either.” Barbara Walters is either going to love this or kick Mo’nique’s ass to the curb with an icy glare.