Tuesday, July 18, 2006

These Dudes Keep Grabbing Me!
By PopCultureWhore

MTB3 felt a little empty without BoomKat and Grandma Betty this week. Especially BoomKat. Sweet, precious BoomKat.

Things are HOT in Miami. Spicy! Muy Caliente and the like. So naturally Danity Kane must flee their rat-infested SoHo loft for the splendor of Las Vegas by the sea.

The ladies have been working themselves into a tizzy for THREE whole weeks! Diddy is a proud papa and will reward them with studio time and the assistance of his producer friends.

First up is Scott Storch. He's giving me the Andy Milonakis vibe for some reason – not a boy, not quite a man? No worries, Pretty Pretty Aubrey is very impressed by his bling.

Aubrey: You’re full out
Scott: Full out
Aubrey: Love it


One of Scott's most recent projects was helping Paris Hilton on her debut album. The two were apparently an item post-Latsis and pre-Stavros. They were spotted this past weekend in Malibu while Paris grinded against Brandon "Firecrotch" Davis, just a few doors down from the target of Mr. Davis' venom, Ms. Lohan.

Another little glimpse at the man behind the magic HERE.

Wanita reminds us that this man child impresario "made everybody ‘Lean Back’ with Fat Joe’s record. I thought my back was going to break. Ow!”

DK is also working with Pooh Bear, who wrote “Caught Up” for Usher, “which is like my all-time favorite record,” Wanita coos. High standards you got there, missy.

Scott informs the ladies in his best soft-spoken Michael Jackson voice that he and Pooh “made a little joint” for them last night. “Puff said to keep it real hard but have a nice melody on it, so we came up with this joint. It's some down south type of shit.”

The track inspires constipated looks of hip-hop gold all around.

Aubrey: That's dope.
Storch: Y'all messing with it? Ok, that's what's up.

Do I spot a love connection?

Dawn is “not worthy of the hotness that is coming off of these speakers.” She is shocked (shocked!) that "this is going to be our record."

Can we just stop for a second and address the Wanita/D-Woods thing. I keep wanting to say that Dawn is D-Woods because it would make more sense for the person with the “D” in their name to be D-Woods, but no, Wanita had to go mess with my chi. I mean, it would’ve even made more sense for her to call herself “Woods” but I digress.

The ladies get down the boring work of recording their angelic voices. D-Woods volunteers to be up first and she breezes through the first round, though Pooh asks her to make her section “more in the pocket.” Um, right. Aubrey, Aundrea and Shannon also get passed Pooh Bear’s shades, but it is soon clear that poor Dawn is this week’s “DK member who sucks.”

I think producers bring in Aundrea when they want to say something bitchy but make it sound nice.

Aundrea: Dawn has the lowest voice. It's out of her range. (smile, flip hair, sneeze into camera)

Diddy realized that watching the trannies struggle through a song about spurning the advances of club life Don Juan’s was about as exciting as watching paint dry. Naturally the next best thing is watching them sport bathing suits on the back of a Bentley Diddy just “dusted off” for his number one girls.

“Now when you're going to be an international superstar in Miami, you have to do it like the superstars do it. You need to be able to drive around and feel like you're somebody," he says.

The ladies might want to learn to drive before they become “somebody.” After a dangerous cruise down Miami’s main strip, Aundrea demands control of the vehicle. The girls are supportive. “Don’t let her drive. I’m getting out the car if she’s driving,” says D-Woods. “Do we have a booster seat?” asks Aubrey.

Undeterred, Aundrea and her booty shorts make their way to the driver' seat, to the delight of customers at a nearby bar.

That's the Danity Kane wife beater salute, by the way.

All their tranny-ness causes a commotion and the poor little dear gets pulled over by the po-po.

"I'm sorry officer. I need to get home for my hormone shot!"

Miami PD informs the ladies that sitting on the back of a Bentley in motion is a violation of code 523 of the ho-bag driving manual.

D-Woods is feeling him. "What DMV gave this girl a license?"

Aundrea: I don't have my purse on me right now.
Cop: In the state of Florida, you can't sit on the outside of the car.
Aubrey: In California they let us do that, that's why we didn't know.
Cop: If I see you again, you'll be in trouble.

Aubrey likes the sound of trouble, but D-Woods convinces her to put the skank away. As they drive off into the sunset, Aubrey reminds the audience that "our boss has the keys to the city!"

And that key has yet to unlock the door of a decent stylist or salon ...

Studio time with Pooh Bear, bitches!

We finally get to hear a little sampling of Scott Storch and Pooh's weed-enhanced lyrical stylings.

I would like to get to know you but I can't hear you right now
You're competing with the music but the music's way too loud

If you write down your number and slip it to me
But you've gotta maneuver discreetly
I don't want my business leaking
People like to run their mouths

Me and my girlfriends came to do it after working hard all week
We like to throw our open toes on and get jazzy
Lounge in the party but you're trying to make us speak

I don't need no pressure from you
And I don't need no lectures from you

Throw our open toes on and get jazzy?! Maybe it sounded doubly retarded coming out of Shannon's mouth, but if this is the crap that's buying Storch's mansions, sign me up to be a producer!

Unfortunately, Dawn is struggling with her section. Pooh wants it more staccato, which I feel ramps up the annoying factor, but what do I know?

I would've liked to hit the dance floor
But it's way to crowded right now
Maybe we'll bump into each other in the future
If you want to see me then you'll figure it out

Enter Diddy. Queue frightened looks from the ingenues. He demands to hear it FROM THE TOP!

The opening chords inspire Diddy to go in for the bear hug with Aundrea.

But then the weed kicks in and he forgets where he is. "Who's that singing?" he asks as each voice comes over the speakers. Shockingly, he thinks Dawn sucks and asks Pooh to write a "special" verse for her.

Don't give me that look. BoomKat don't take no sass.

Back in the lap of luxury ...

Dawn: I'm not going to be in that song. I'm going to be in the bridge that's not even written.

If I had the possibility of making millions by singing dumbass songs like the one above, I'd stand in the back and do the neutron dance if that's what they wanted.

DK returns to the studio and since it's minute 23 of the episode once again, Dawn magically hits it out of the park and the world rejoices.

I'm trying to be coooooool
But these dudes keep grabbing me, they keep on grabbing me

Channeling Sandy from "Grease," Aubrey tell us that "in this situation that when you see a sister down, you fight through all forces to get them back on top."

The ladies emerge from the studio. "I feel like the walk of shame right now," Aubrey says. Never has a truer has been uttered, my dear.

Next week on MTB ...

Diddy announces that he will hide himself a la Waldo somewhere in the Northern Hemisphere and will not release their single until DK finds him - with Brooklyn cheesecake in tow.

This guy makes a woman out of Aubrey.

Before this guy tears it all down.

And Shannon's necklace comes alive during the night and eats Aundrea.

Previous Recaps:

Episode 4: Aubrey: Boom Kat For Life

Episode 3: I Love You Whores Forever!

Episode 2: Boom Kat, You Bitches!
Episode 1: Trannies Save New Orleans
Paris, Nicole Reunion in the Works?
By Telly Whore

Rumor has it that my favorite ultra-rich trouble-makers have signed on for season five of The Simple Life. However, this time around the celebutantes will be forced to share a set again. So, now the question on everyone’s mind (or maybe it’s just me) is whether these two are going to grow up and get over it. Or maybe we should expect to see some amazing fireworks on next season’s The Simple Life. Only time will tell…

While my stomach bubbles in anticipation of possibly seeing my two favorite people in the world ripping each other’s false eye lashes off next season, I must stick to the here and now. This Sunday on The Simple Life, Paris and Nicole step into the roles of mother to three young boys, all under the age of six. Not expecting much from either of them, Paris and Nicole did not disappoint. Paris maintained an air of constant boredom, while Nicole managed to abandon her duties, leaving a house full of small children in the care of the camera men, to go motorcycle joy-riding.

On a brighter note, the show opened up with Nicole, looking as lovely as ever, signing copies of her new book The Truth About Diamonds for her adoring fans. While Nicole has appeared to maintain the more mature stance of the dueling duo, while Paris is all too eager to belittle Nicole, Nicole promptly answers a fans complement of “That’s hot” with “I don’t say that anymore…that is so embarrassing.” Point taken.

Amid baby crying and dripping nipple-bras, the ladies managed to look super fly as usual. Unfortunately this wasn’t a fashion show, well at least not for Nicole. Paris did manage to get footage of her and her sister Nicky (who by the way is the THIRD family member Paris has included on the show…is she lonely or what?) strutting the cat walk for some random fashion designer. What in the world does a fashion show have to do with this season’s premise of The Simple Life? Again, is it just me or does Paris take some huge freedoms on what she does with her fifteen minutes of the show often including segments that have little to do with the Simple Life and more to do with Paris’ fabulous life, but I digress…

Anyway, while Paris is prancing down the catwalk, Nicole has decided to ditch Paris’ super-girly princess-themed party, opting for a party more “suitable” for the two year old son of a rocker/Harley Davidson motorcycle builder, including a rock band, go-go dancers, and all-you-can-drink shots of milk. I must admit, aside from the PG-13 language, Nicole hosted a really cool party, for a two-year-old. Of course Nicole could not end the night with out tucking in the wrong child, but all in all, I have to give Nicole kudos for a job well done.

So until next week, I will keep my fingers crossed that these two will be spotted on some red carpet somewhere in the world with arms wrapped around each other posing once more as the best of friends…for my sake.
FW: Lucy's Internet Dalliance
By SoapOperaWhore

In the latest episode of Footballers Wives, blaring music wakes Shannon and Harley from their slumber. Harley goes from sleep to seething hatred for Nan in 10 seconds flat. Harley needs his rest for the European match the next day but that doesn't mean he needs to direct all his frustration at this poor old lady. Shannon, who is growing sweeter and more adorable with each passing episode, adamantly refuses to kick Nan out.

Lucy confesses to her internet friend that she is married. He insists that he is nothing more than her friend, and wants to meet her. Lucy is being woefully foolish in this whole thing. Does she really think that Bruno won't find out about this? Not only does she have an insane husband, but they are both in the public eye. The last thing that she needs is scandal. Lucy walks in on Bruno praying before the European match. Bruno prays? Why are these insanely abusive people always oddly religious? He is uncharacteristically tender with her. Lucy is his lucky charm. Remorse is dripping from every fiber of her being as Bruno embraces her. It's fantastic that Bruno is being nice to her but he doesn't know how to treat her with respect over an extended period of time.

Seb apologizes to Jackie for the kiss. She believes him, but he has deception in his eyes. Seb continues with his plan to come between Jackie and Roger by putting Paddy in a position to scribble all over Roger's scrap books. Roger finds Paddy and explodes with anger and a spanking. Jackie storms into the room and puts a stop to it, but Roger's tirade continues. He doesn't understand why Jackie is still raising Paddy. He belongs with his father, Kyle. Has Jackie really not told Roger that Paddy is her son from an affair that she had with Kyle's dead best friend and former husband of Tanya Turner, Jason Turner? I understand that this isn't something that they want to make public, but I would have thought that Jackie would have at least told Roger. It's time to clue him in. If Jackie knows what is good for her she will. I can't imagine that that is something to which Roger would react very well. You see how well he controls his emotions. Hearing it from Jackie would be way better than hearing it second hand.


Roger finishes his tirade and storms out leaving Seb to offer comfort and manipulation to his stepmother.

Hazel isn't pleased that Roger hasn't put Seb in the lineup. Earls Park needs to win this game to continue forward for the European title. Roger is more interested in serving his own needs to the detriment of the team. He has no faith in Seb despite support from Hazel and the team. Roger is the ultimate alpha male. I'm not a fan of the alpha males who beat their chests and refuse to think anything out.

Lucy stands outside of a restaurant with a print out of a picture of her internet friend, Giles. She makes a few tentative steps in the direction of the restaurant as she stares at him sitting at an outdoor table, but flees back to her car. She is caught in Bruno's web. She turns on the radio to hear that Bruno has given away a penalty. Lucy races to the grounds knowing that Bruno would be livid if he found out that she wasn't there. As the players enter the locker room back at the grounds, Roger explodes with anger at Bruno. You've lost. Is this really the time to start making people feel worse for that, even Bruno? Conrad steps up to defend his teammate and blames the poor management of the team on the loss. Roger responds in the way any rational person would: he throws a shampoo bottle at Conrad's face, cutting him. Immediately Roger calms down and starts to backpedal on all of his rants and raves. Not because he feels bad, but because he doesn't want Conrad to file a formal complaint against him. Roger knows that he is on shaky ground. This incident will not help his case.

Lucy confides in Amber about her internet friend. Amber, for the first time in months, uses her brain and tries to dissuade Lucy from embarking on this affair.

Later, Lucy tries to comfort Bruno. She tries to stay positive. With his emotions brimming over he tells Lucy that he just needs to be upset. Are those words even coming out of his mouth? He sobs in her arms. Who is this man? He is by no means prince charming, but he is actually showing layers. There is depth to Bruno Milligan!

Seb confesses to Jackie that he was using steroids, but paints himself as the victim claiming he was only doing it because he felt he would never be able to live up to his father's expectations. A part of that is actually true, but Seb was milking that. The only real emotions he has for his father are anger and bitterness. His emotions aren't causing him any true heartache. He just wants revenge. Jackie berates Roger not only for continuing to punish Seb day after day but also for lying to her. Isn't that the pot calling the kettle black? Jackie demands that Roger and Seb start fresh. Jackie and Roger continue to fight resulting in Jackie sleeping in the guest room. Wrong move, Jackie. You kick Roger out of that bed and send him to the guest room. Seb is manipulating this situation, but Roger has helped to create it.

Harley forces Shannon to tell Nan that she is going back to the home. Nan is hurt, and Shannon is upset. Harley doesn't seem to care at all. The sweet adorable Harley of yesteryear who adored Shannon has been replaced with this surly man who more often than not is looking at Shannon with contempt. There are flashes of Harley's love for Shannon, but those are few and far between. The men on this show aren't up to par these days.

Amber's doubts about Lucy's new "friend" have worked their way into Lucy's head. As Lucy is chatting with Giles she is calling the hospital to make sure he is who he says he is. She gets confirmation from the hospital. This seems to be enough for her. Don't a lot of people internet date these days? I understand the need to be cautious, but Amber's fear mongering isn't really helping anyone.

Lucy and Giles meet. He confides to her that since his wife died he has been very lonely. Lucy makes it clear to Giles that she has a daughter who means the world to her and a husband who would be infuriated if he knew that she was meeting him. Giles assures her that he is looking for nothing more than a friend. I almost believe that. Almost. This gorgeous, vulnerable, celebrity is leaning on you for support and all you want from her is friendship. I doubt it. Giles seems like he is perfect which makes me think that he is anything but. I don't get a good vibe from him. He better not hurt my Lucy. The woman has been through enough. If he drags her into another emotionally abusive psychotic relationship I'm not going to be happy.

Lucy later confides in Amber that she met Giles. Amber scolds her. Amber needs to play the supportive friend role better. Lucy is obviously lost in life. Why don't you step up and help guide her in the right direction instead of making her feel crazy for wanting to reach out to someone who wasn't going to physically and emotionally abuse her.

Jackie receives a necklace with an apology card. There is no name on the apology card. Jackie assumes that it is from Roger. Jackie is stupid. It is obviously from Seb. When Roger gets home she is warm and loving thinking that he sent the necklace. He makes a comment about her doing some retail therapy and holds up the necklace. Jackie is crushed. Jackie is also stupid. How does she not see what is going on here? She goes to confront a very naked Seb. He stands there on display for her. She pretends to turn away in shock, but she definitely sneaked a peek before she got all up in arms about it. Seb admits to sending it to her. She insists that he take it back but is appreciative of the thought. When she finds out that he is getting ready for a date she seethes with jealousy. The wildly inappropriate Jackie is coming roaring back!

Conrad, Harley, and Bruno discuss Roger's increasingly volatile behavior. They decide to lobby a formal complaint. Conrad goes to Hazel to let her know that morale amongst the team is low and some of the players are thinking about transferring if there aren't some changes. Is he a moron? He knows what kind of woman Hazel is. She does not respond to threats. Hazel points out that as team captain the morale of the players is his responsibility, but she does soften a bit and acknowledge that she realizes there is a problem.

The board is visibly fed up with Roger. Roger returns home to find Jackie filled with rage over a pair of Roger's underwear that has been sent to her in the mail with a note that insinuates Roger is having an affair. Roger isn't having an affair. The package came from Seb. The rift between Jackie and Roger continues to widen. Does Seb want Jackie for himself or is he just out to get his father? Seb offers comfort and support to Jackie. He is positioning himself to sleep with his stepmother just to spite his father. If Jackie does want to have some sort of revenge sex she needs to find a more appropriate partner. I see where this is going, and I don't approve.

Bruno catches Lucy on the computer researching Giles. She claims that she is looking up a consultant for Shannon who is having problems with her breast implants. Shannon should be the one doing that. Lucy knows that Bruno and Harley are friends. Bruno could easily find out that this is a lie. Lucy needs to cover her tracks better. She also needs to learn how to minimize windows quicker.

Lucy and Giles meet again. Giles's story about his wife changes to a story about his dead fiancée. He thinks it sounds better when he says wife. Lucy doesn't even bat an eye. She caught this man that she doesn't know from a hole in the wall in a lie, and she accepts his very convenient excuse. I understand the need to trust people, but blind faith in some random guy isn't the way to go especially when you have a psychotic husband who may or may not protect you if Giles turns out to be the less than perfect.

Shannon throws a going away party for Nan with Conrad, Amber (much to her chagrin), and Lucy in attendance. Amber only goes to get exposure for the new mix of her single via the documentary crew following Shannon and Harley. Harley continues to stomp around even though he is getting his way. Shannon gets Nan's favorite singer, Lionel Blair, to be the very special guest at the party. Nan is overjoyed. Lionel is singing and dancing with Nan, but the excitement is too much for her and she dies in his arms. Shannon is distraught.

Lucy is late getting to Cocoon because all of the commotion at the party. She tries to tell Bruno what happened, but psychotic Bruno returns. He menacingly threatens to call Shannon to see if that is where Lucy really was. Yes she was at Shannon's but she was late because she was meeting Giles. Lucy gains her composure as Bruno walks over to greet a customer. Lucy turns to see that that customer is Giles. Lucy freezes. This woman cannot catch a break.

Fashion Roundup
By CoutureWhore

No Vuitton for LC
Sad news today for my fav Hills gal Lauren Conrad. Apparently MTV wanted to wrap up the series with LC heading off to Paris to intern for Louis Vuitton, which just started advertising in Teen Vogue. Alas, the 110-year-old fashion house politely declined her services. Perhaps they weren’t interested in appealing to the pre-teen demographic who thinks Louis Vuitton can be found on a card table on Canal Street? Anyway, this is a true loss as I can think of nothing more hysterical than LC trying to bond with Paris fashionistas as they take long drags on their cigarettes and ignore her and bitch about American stupidity. Perhaps this would prompt one of those now famous French headbutts?

D&G Razor
Remember that brief period when you were the coolest kid on the block with your super slim black Razr before the rest of the world went out and bought them in color? Well, thankfully the folks over at D&G have heard your plea for cell phone exclusivity and blatant materialistic greed. This week Dolce & Gabbana is releasing their Motorola RAZRV3i in the only acceptable color: Gold. In case you are having trouble justifying the $599 price tag, keep in mind it comes loaded with Dolce & Gabbana ringtones, screen savers, wallpapers and even mp3s. I wonder what a customized D&G ring is? Perhaps the sound of them laughing all the way to the bank?

Weir Does Heatherette
Prepare yourselves, because New York is about to OD on flamboyance. Johnny Weir, the uni-gloved, badass figure skater who won our hearts last winter with his flexibility and jazz hands will be strutting his stuff for Heatherette at Fashion Week in September. No mention of whether or not triple axels will be included, but I’m optimistic.

Gucci turns 85!
All the bold faced names turned out last week for the obligatory celebratory champagne reception and launch of Gucci’s new special edition line of uber exclusive accessories. Hey, just think, if you stop eating now you may have saved enough cash to buy the 100th anniversary python clutch!
All Natural Fashion
By Kimmie Smith

I love WholeFoods and love how everything looks fresh and you feel like no matter what you get there, your body is edified by it. Organic, healthy living and fitness is a multi-billion dollar industry and everyone is finding a way to get in on its success. Some designers such as Carolyn Vale have made clothing that is made out of Bamboo. It makes it super stretchy; however, seeing that it's a plant it doesn't seem to be such a leap that someone could wear this element when properly treated and made to conform. But did you think that your favorite summertime corn could be on your favorite dress?

In addition to the many conferences that I am sure were held, fashion took center stage with one of a kind items making their appearances on the runway. The model above is wearing a whimsical dress made from fermented corn sugar at the World Congress on Industrial and Biotechnology and Bioprocessing Convention held in Toronto. During this event, exclusive pieces were made by such designers as Oscar de La Renta and Elisa Jimenez. Various collections included ball gowns, baby dolls, fleece sweater, the little black dress and the frilly item above. Science and the environment is definitely a new direction for fashion (although, attend the Cooper Hewitt Museum and learn about how certain materials make fabrics - it's shocking). In addition, they had a transparent shirt for men on display - if only this could have been worn by Brad Pitt, Johnny Depp or even David Beckham!

photo: Reuters
Lions and Tiger and K-Fed, Oh My!
By PopCultureWhore

In some ways, Britney has lost her marbles. This is what happens when you become a pop star before having the chance to get cliched metaphors and random references to mythical beasts out of your system in sophomore year English.

I'm going to go ahead and assume this most recent posting on her Web site is a dig at K-Fed. She told Matt Lauer during her Dateline interview that she liked him because he is "simple." If that was really her thing, would she be so mezmerized by an animal that has such a "sense of mysteriousness?" I think not. K-Fed does not make you wonder what is behind his gaze. K-Fed makes you feel dirty and vaguely hungry for Cheetos.

More than likely, though, she's just been watching a lot of Animal Planet with Sean P. and thought tigers were "awesome."
Seizure Inducing Fun!
By PopCultureWhore

This looks like it was taken in a $2 photo booth at Universal Studios, but that's all the more appropriate for my favorite trannies, Danity Kane! The ladies were "on location" to shoot the video for their first single, Show Stopper. Unfortunately, it's a piece of shit. There's a lot of oohing and aahing over Big Cars ("mink bucket seats") and boot knocking ("yeah we're divas, but we ride like big boys do.")

DK is going high class on July 21. According to their MySpace page, "MTV needs Danity Kane fans for the live performance finale in NYC on July 21st. The girls will be performing for the first time before a LIVE audience and we want YOU to be there. Empire Fulton Ferry State Park(corner of Plymouth & Washington St) Brooklyn, NY." Sign up HERE.

If BoomKat's there, I'm so going.

Stay tuned for this week's MTB3 recap later tonight ...
Your World in Pictures
by PopCultureWhore

Other than that Mrs. Lincoln, how was the show?

Want some weed?

If so, K-Fed can fashion that exercise ball into a bong in under a minute.

Someone needs a bigger top ...

Someone needs to examine the prenup ...

pacifer: $4.50
BMW: $50,000
Looking good in skinny jeans while pregnant: Bitch

Fun, Laughs, Gag Me!
by PopCultureWhore

First Usher, now Tori Spelling? Just days after the pants averse crooner was tapped for a guest stint as Billy Flynn in Broadway’s “Chicago,” Variety now reports that Donna Martin might fill in as Roxie Hart (played by Zellweger in the movie). "Spelling is on hold for now, but remains a strong possibility for a future stint in the role of Roxie," the paper reports. Let’s hope it remains on hold until producers find their brains. Her vocal skills weren’t on parade in a recent episode of her Vh1 show (above). I don’t need to hear her purring “Foxy, Roxie, Hart!”

Registered at Hustler, Hooters
By PopCultureWhore

People magazine reports that Pam Anderson is marrying Kid Rock. Pammie Pie posted the following note on her Web site today:

"Yes. I'm finally getting remarried...it's been a whirlwind...spontaneous but well thought through. Feels like I've been stuck in a time warp. Not able to let go of MY family picture...it's been sad and lonely and frustrating....I've raised my kids alone in hope of a miracle. Well my miracle came and went. And came back and came back because he knew that I'd wake up one day and realize that I was waiting for nothing. I'm moving on...I feel like I'm finally free....I'm in love. I'm happy....I see the light...sounds dramatic but it's true.....I know some women can relate to this....My children are getting older. They know the truth and they are strong, smart kids. They love their Dad. They love their new Step Dad who they've known for years...time will pass. Wounds will heal. Some people may never grow up. Actions speak louder than words....watch!"