Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Stavros Is Gonna ROCK
By PopCultureWhore

I was at the gym tonight and one of the treadmill TV's were playing CBS's "Rockstar Supernova," where a bunch of rockers who seem to have forgotten that it's not 1991 try out to be Motley Crue's new lead singer. After some spastic blonde in Madonna's white "Like a Virgin" getup crawls around the stage for a few minutes, a well coiffed guy gets up on stage and I find myself wondering, "What the hell is Stavros Niarchos doing on this show?" Paris Hilton's ex must really be taking the break-up hard if he's trying to compete with "Stars are Blind" via some crap CBS reality show. But alas, it turns out this "Rockstar" wannabe is a musician named Chris Pierson, who just happens to bear a striking resemblance to the Greek shipping heir (below).

I'm Shocked (Shocked!)
by PopCultureWhore

Real World Key West cast member Paula Meronek was arrested Sunday for allegedly biting her boyfriend.

Paula, dubbed Paula Walnuts for the drunken theatrics on display above, was charged with third-degree assault, which could land her in the slammer for a year. According to reports, her boyfriend wouldn't let her in his house, so she bit him. The boyfriend, John Alywad, was charged with disorderly conduct.

If you recall, Paula's boyfriend beat her so badly at one point that she had to be admitted to the hospital. Nonetheless, she took him back and in one episode, proudly proclaimed, "We've been to hell and back, but we made it!" Exactly. Next reality show? Cops.

The New York Times did a little number on Paula Walnuts back in May.
Bridezillas: Regina
By Quiana Stokes

A word to all soon-to-be brides: Your wedding day is not an excuse to be a complete and total b-witch. In other words, avoid being Regina at all costs.

While Regina was no Marsha, what should have been a sweet, beautiful (yet quite sketchy being that fiancé Domingos spoke only Portuguese) wedding ended up as a no holds barred dictator fest.

Let's start from the beginning. Regina, like most blushing brides, dreamed of a wedding in the most extravagant of settings. While most middle class women settle on a grand hall, Regina opted for a castle. Yes, a castle. A castle in Long Island, but a castle nonetheless. How does one pay for such a venue? Mortgage your house! DUH! That’s right. This determined diva mortgaged her house to pay for her dream wedding.

Now, I know what most of you hopeless romantics are thinking, “No price can be put on the day of your dreams.” Yeah ok, until you go flat broke, your husband gets deported and everyone hates you because you acted like a psycho dictator on your wedding day.

Why does everyone hate her? Well, she:
- angrily ordered around the sweet little girls carrying her 25-foot veil.
-went off on her entire bridal party causing her cousin to snap at her
-and the final most awful, most horrendous sin committed by this Bridezilla...she held the entire ceremony in English even though.HER HUSBAND ONLY SPEAKS PORTUGUESE.

Yes, in case you were wondering, I think Regina sucks. Stay tuned next week, for Angela, the pessimistic princess...she's sure to redefine the term grotsky little beeyotch.
You Better Work (Cover Girl!)
By Amanda L.

Being a working girl in LA is serious business. I mean, hell-o, we learned last week how hard it was to balance boyfriend and work time. Apparently we need to be reminded of this, so we are going through it once again this week…

Speaking of working girls, what is keeping Bolthouse's star employee, Heidi, so busy?

Of course! I should’ve known.

Brent calls Heidi into his office. The Bolthouse gods have answered her prayers! He tells her that he wants to get her started working inside the clubs with Elodie starting this Wednesday. Wait! Wednesday is Heidi and Jordan’s Six Month Anniversary. But at that moment, Heidi was so happy she lost her lips.

Lauren and Jason are still on shaky ground after his drunken birthday fiasco, which wasn’t really a fiasco. But girls will be girls and blow things out of proportion when their boyfriend doesn’t sit next to them for five minutes. So here we are, Jason confronts Lauren before she goes to take her test. Then he rambles and zones out in true Jason fashion.

Crazy girlfriend alert!

After Lauren’s test she receives a phone call from Whitney explaining that the next couple days are going to be busy because of a Teen Vogue DKNY Fashion Show. The next day, Lauren is scolded for being five minutes late! She didn’t quite understand that, despite the amount of minutes, when you are late you are late. And late = bad. I understand that’s what happens when you don’t work your entire life, but give me a break here.

Lauren also loses her lips while talking to a superior in the work force.

One of the models at the fashion show decides she doesn't want to be seen on MTV so she doesn't bother showing up. This is a likely story, but I have a feeling there was no model to begin with. They choose Whitney to be the stand-in model! Surprise surprise! Lauren gets a tad jealous because she is stuck with a mic around her head all night.

What!? They chose YOU to model and not me? But this is my TV show! Wah!

Tonight is the night! Heidi’s first club gig with Bolthouse! Oh yeah, and her anniversary with Jordan. He and Brian end up going to the club too, of course. After seeing them, Jen knows Heidi will get sidetracked because she has powers like that.

By the power of Bolthouse, I cast thee evil spell uponth thy Abercrombie boys…

Heidi ends up running into the club to talk to Jordan and Brian. She can’t complete a task without messing it up somehow. It totally wasn’t worth sneaking in to hang out because she bumps into a greasy dude with whom she had one date. Jordan hates it, gets mad, and it causes Heidi to leave the scene and go back to work. Jordan should get mad more often if it makes Heidi want to actually work! I think we’re onto something here.

I wish I could quit you, Brian

Whitney gets praise from Lisa Love and Blaine (porn names?) for walking in the fashion show while Lauren gets pity praise for keeping models in check.

Like, interns are people too!

The show ends with a not too shocking fight between Jordan and Heidi because of the encounter with Mr. One Date. These two bore me so I’ll leave you with Jordan and his best David Boreanaz/Angel impersonation.

Slime Her!
By PopCultureWhore

Though I would like to have seen Jessica Simpson turn into a raging alcoholic or something similarly Hollywood post-divorce, she is instead turning to those who truly understand her – children. ETonline.com reports that Simpson will host this year’s Teen Choice Awards. She will not be doing the gig solo, however. A co-host for the Aug. 20 event will be named at a later date. I hope she gets slimed and that they book Nick Lachey to perform for my own personal amusement (the awkwardness being the amusement; not his music). Speaking of Nick, my boss expressed amazement this morning that Lachey (which he pronounced “Lack-ee”) was famous. “He should be selling cars.”

Speaking of slime, re-live the Canadian wonder that started it all, You Can't Do That on Television, HERE.

I Don't Get It
By PopCultureWhore

Some of the celeb blogs are fawning all over Halle Berry's new man, Versace model Gabriel Aubrey, but I don't really see the appeal. The cross necklace, the Yanni-esque oatmeal sweater, the highlighted locks? It's all a little too Euro for me, but boyfriend is from Canada. Give him a gun and he's ready for his close-up on Baywatch Nights.

She's Pissed At Being Named Hazel
By PopCultureWhore

But Mommy's paycheck makes it all better. Julia Roberts strolls with daughter Hazel in Taos, New Mexico. Haz has a twin brother Phinneas. Only another 15 years or so before these kids, Shiloh, Kingston and the crew are the new Paris Hilton's. Can't wait. The kid kind of looks like the actress that played a young Christina Crawford in "Mommie Dearest.

Cats That Look Like Hitler
by PopCultureWhore

The award for most random Web site of the day goes to catsthatlooklikehitler.com. For real? The Web site owners apparently ran into a Hitler-esque cat in the Netherlands and took the time to post him online. Soon, the Fuhrer was spotted in other evil felines and the Web site was born. The site does point out that Hitler “was a disgusting, pus-ridden lump of excrement from the devil's own anus” and that it is “entirely appropriate to reduce him to an object of ridicule by comparing his physical appearance with a collection of fluffy, cute moggies.” Good to know. I'm going to counter this with Puppies That Look Mussolini.

Pot, Get Me Kettle On the Phone
By PopCultureWhore

Jon Voight, Angelina Jolie’s estranged father, has not seen new granddaughter Shiloh, despite gushing about the tot to any news outlet that will listen. “No, we haven’t spoken,” he told People magazine at the premiere of You, Me & Dupree. Angelina has said that her father’s infidelity during his marriage to her mother hurt their relationship. Um, yeah. Raise your hands if you think things on the Mr. & Mrs. Smith set were strictly platonic between the two genetically blessed co-stars. Anyone? You in the back?

As for Jon Voight, I’d wondered recently if he and Angelina had reconciled because he was on entertainment shows like Access Hollywood and Entertainment Tonight practically crying from joy over this kid and making it sound like he was babysitting her on weekends. Look for him to join the Larry King crazy train soon.