Saturday, July 08, 2006

Hillary, Sheryl In Vanity Fair

Roots of the Month

Stupid Spoiled Whore Redux
By Eugenia Borkowsi

Paris Hilton has inexplicably made a second version of the video for “Stars are Blind,” the first single off her upcoming album. Her latest outing is a think piece, if you will, as in "I think Paris has no talent" or "Think of another career move Paris." Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against frolicking on the beach in designer heels, platinum hair extensions and skimpy ill fitting suits with enough glass on your ears to feed all of Nigeria for a year. Hell, I do just that almost every day. It relaxes me. I just don’t get paid to do it.

The newest video is not totally cringe-worthy but the pseudo Rastafarian beat that pulls the song along sounds an awful lot like a certain Blondie song. I'll let you guess which one. And Paris really needs to cut it out with the whole "Happy Birthday Mr. President" baby voice she’s trying out, because, it’s not fooling anyone. One high point would be quite the provocative dance between Paris and a piece of rope; sure to be a crowd pleaser.

Meanwhile, Life Style Extra reports that Paris has given up eating and wearing furry critters after she and Heather Mills McCartney discussed the inhumane treatment of animals sent to slaughter. That must have been a meeting of the minds. How on earth did she think Elsie got herself on a hamburger bun? A personal unicorn escort to heaven? I'll bet $10 we have paprarazzi shots of Paris chowing down on an In 'N' Out double cheeseburger before the week is done. She can't stay away from the greasy goodness - or keep her legs closed, as these photographs will prove. Click HERE for the full show if you want to vomit up your brunch.

Aubrey: Boom Kat For Life
By PopCultureWhore

It's Hell Week in the bat cave. Diddy gathers the ladies for a little pow wow and informs them that for the next 72 hours (insane!), Danity Kane will "get a test of what it’s like to be superstars."

Being a superstar in Bad Boy land means waking these sleeping angels at 6am and putting them through a work out with Johnny Armband McVisor.

Aubrey like.

It's not all crunches and googely eyes, though. "Boom Boom KAT. For LIFE!"

Aundrea gimps it out while Aubrey almost shows us the goods.

Hot mess with a side of hash.

Boom Kat then breaks it down for these bitches. "Every single thing that you’re going through, I promise you, is only going to make you greater. I know it’s frustrating, but trust me, the people who get the shot and don’t get broken and are forced to find themselves are losing. They’re getting 10 minutes out there and they’re falling apart.

That's probably how she felt when she was getting schooled by Missy Elliott in "Honey." ("You need to call M.C. Hammer. Let him know you're stealing his stuff.") Poor Boom Kat.

But that's a movie. This is REAL LIFE! Real superstars! Real hits! Real time in the kitchen with Grandma Betty.


The magic drumsticks and crazy eyes are out in full force for phase three of Operation Ho 'Em Up. Unfortunately, Aubrey is having a bit of trouble in the vocal department. "Give me some love!" she warbles.

"PITCH!" screams Grandma Betty, but it's only amusing because it sounds like she's yelling "BITCH!" She is not impressed. Betty explains that Danity Kane will be working in international markets that expect you to "dance and sing more" and that Euros don't accept just "good enough." What? Has she ever flipped on a radio in the UK? It's pop trash heaven. If anything, they should push Danity Kane ONLY in the UK. They'd be rock stars in no time. Case in point - THIS was all the rage when I was there a few years back.

Don't give me that look, Betty. You know it's true. Go back to tip tapping those drumsticks.

Back to Selfish Whore Land, Aubrey explaines that she's always "masked" her weak voice and maintained a "performer's stance" but deep down, she's very insecure about her singing. Oh precious! Don't say that!

I'm thinking "Making the Band" producers just didn't have any good ideas for this week's show. Last week it was Shannon's turn to suck, what about Aubrey this week? I refer you to a Christina Aguilera-inspired performance from last season after which Diddy announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, Aubrey is now black."

Back on the farm, the girls are flipping out over having to talk to radio DJ Miss Jones, who apparently makes it a habit of ripping her guests to shreds. Wanita discusses her stress with a spring roll.

But Wanita's crispy snack did not prepare her for the mistress' demands. "Do a little freestyle on top of this beat," Miss Jones demands with an evil smirk. "True artists come prepared for freestyle."

That request goes over real well, obviously. The girls bounce to the beat and occasionally spit out little blips of sound you might hear from someone unconsciously singing along with their iPod. "Y’all are whack!" Miss Jones screams. Wanita tries to explain, but MJ is having none of that. "No, for real. This is – I’ve never in my life."


The ladies finally get their stuff together long enough to sing a brief version of "Ho-Bag Lullaby." MJ proclaims it "nice" but then announces the names she and her morning buddies have come up with for the band: Catch a Break, Good Luck Lou (producer?), and 3, because "only three of y'all bitches can sing!"

Conveniently enough for this week's episode, Aubrey and Shannon are the two members MJ and crew have deemed shit singers. This does not please S-Dawg.

Or "Auberella"

Aubrey gets whiny in the green room, complaining that she and Shannon are pigeonholed as the white girls who can't sing. She demands respect and insists she is not all "fluff."

She can take that attitude to the board room because it's time to meet with the record label and they don't take no sass!

Atlantic Records put out a call for the best of the best to intimidate the girls during their meeting, but apparently settled for a few eager interns, the copy boy and Lenny the web guy.

Harve is not deterred. "You guys are on the fast track right now," he reminds them. "It’s not just a TV show [despite all the cameras and re-takes we're doing], it’s definitely you guys as a superstar group." SUPERSTAR! "Dig deep and create," he advises. As opposed to being shallow and fucking around, naturally.

Andre, who had a little thing for chubby vocal dynamo Dominique last season is equally poignant. "You’ve got to go in there and fully marry to the producer on that track in that moment."

They try to "marry" their producers in an after-meeting session, but Aubrey fucks it up (again). "It’s a big insecurity of mine to be the pretty white girl that can’t sing," she weeps.

Having not produced any music magic, the girls get glammed up for a photo shoot at the loft. If by glammed up you mean "pulled out of a dumpster."


Let's keep this party going. Diddy has the girls make the rounds at various clubs, hitting up DJs for (coke) airtime. I'm sure they're digging it. "Ultimate female" is very IN this season.


But did you really think it was all over? Were you really that blind?! Never! The girls are summoned for a late-night "writing" session at the studio. But Diddy senses/is told by producers that something is wrong with Aubrey. She announces that she has a cold and Diddy tells her to go home. Any normal person would relish time alone in the loft and away from the other trannies, but Aubrey snots all over herself and begs Diddy to let her stay.

Diddy ain't having it and after an awkward conversation in the hallway, Diddy banishes Aubrey and her hysterics.

"Bitch, please!"

"But I ... "

"Enough of your crying. Out!"

Aubrey apologizes to the girls the next morning for missing the session, but Aundrea basically tells her it was fun without her and that they didn't want to get sick anyway. Thanks whore!

The girls vent their frustrations to Dr. Boom Kat, therapist extraordinaire. She is tickled pink when she hears the names MJ gave the band. "You’ve got to get a thick skin, you guys. I think that’s fantastic."

She stops her uncontrollable laughter long enough to inquire whether or not the girls are ok. They assure her they are, but she is not convinced. "I feel a little swirl in this room."

Fearing that no one heard her the first time, Aubrey reminds Boom Kat that she doesn't want to be the "pretty white girl who can't sing." BK chuckles as if to say, "Honey, you're not pretty!" and then envelopes her into a bear hug. BK says Aubrey's insecurities are just "little white lies tring to stop you from fulfilling your dreams." Amen.

Being that this was at minute 26 of the episode, BK's words cure all and Aubrey magically gets her groove back in time to wow Granmda Betty with a little improv. "You're not going to bring me down today. I can sing!" she belts. Yay!

Next week, Wanita lives every tranny's dream in Miami.

Shannon is arrested for wearing this outfit ...

And Aubrey ponders whether leaving the Jedi for the Dark Side is really worth it.

Episode 3: I Love You Whores Forever!
Episode 2: Boom Kat, You Bitches!
Episode 1: Trannies Save New Orleans