Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Britney & Kevin: Terrifying
By PopCultureWhore

Britney apparently didn't hear the collective gag from viewers when Britney & Kevin: Chaotic aired last year. SFGate.com reports that she's ready for round two in the reality TV sphere. I honestly doubt that she will put her two young kids on TV, especially after her snot-soaked plea on "Dateline" for people to leave her alone, but she also professed her love for money on that same special, so we'll see! I watched "Chaotic" last year with growing terror and honestly felt dirty every time it ended. Where is the Britney of yesteryear? I need my pop trash minus the greasy side of Federline!

Bring Back Britney
Soap Bites
By SoapOperaWhore

Saved By The…..Knife

Is A.C. Slater getting some work done? MARIO LOPEZ will be returning to television screens in the fall for the third episode of Nip/Tuck. He will play a devastatingly handsome doctor with whom Dr. Christian Troy (JULIAN MCMAHON) has a homoerotic encounter at the gym. If there is any justice in the world, McMahon and Lopez will have many homoerotic encounters over the course of many episodes. I'm not so delusional to think that Christian would ever turn out to be a gay, but if anyone was born to be a bisexual ...

The move comes after Lopez’s four-year Bold & the Beautiful contract was axed after one month. For reasons unknown to me, B&B decided that LORENZO LAMAS' character Hector Ramirez needed a brother on the show. Lopez was cast as Dr. Christian Ramirez, but show writers had no storyline for him. B&B has a bad habit of bringing on characters without any sort of plan for them. To their credit, if a story or character isn't working they are quick to cut their losses, but why even bother to bring them on in the first place?

In the meantime, click on the video above for an old-school Saved by the Bell dance number.

Secrets of ... Tyler Christopher's Contract

The good news? TYLER CHRISTOPHER (Nikolas Cassadine) has renewed his contract with General Hospital through May of 2007 after a much scrutinized “will he or won't he stay” battle. He basically said that if his pilot, Secrets of a Small Town, was picked up by ABC he would hightail it out of Port Charles. It wasn't. He resigned. End of story? Not so much.

It's true that ABC didn't pick up the pilot for its fall schedule, but the buzz on the show was fantastic, and I was disappointed when the show didn't make the cut. There isn't anything I like more than primetime mystery soaps. ABC executives seem to agree with me because they have decided to extend its option on the cast members.

What does this mean for Tyler Christopher's future with General Hospital? More importantly, what does this mean for the future of Nikolas Cassadine on GH? Tyler has bolted from the show before so we know that he has it in him. I imagine that if Secrets of a Small Town gets picked up he will do everything that he can to get out of his GH commitments. I don't think that the show will automatically recast because Nikolas's absence from the canvas may not leave as big a hole as it may appear.
Love is Dead, Part 2
By PopCultureWhore

Damn, I thought these two kids would last. "D List" star Kathy Griffin is divorcing husband Matt Moline after she discovered he was stealing money from her. She reveals to Larry King tonight that "my ex-husband was sneaking into my wallet. That money totalled $72,000." That's cold. Why was he stealing? Was she that tight with the cash? Having money stolen from you at least bumps you up to the C-list, dontcha think?

And what's up with Larry King being the last stop for crazy town lately? He's hosted Star Jones, Elizabeth Taylor and Liza Minnelli of late, all of whom have made headlines for their bizarre responses. For old time's sake, check out a hilarious mish-mash FourFour did of Liza's throaty laughs and out-of-context comments during her March appearance. The best is when she just laughs out loud when a caller announces he is a musical theater major at the University of Arizona.
Patriotic Madge
By PopCultureWhore

I should probably have my American citizenship revoked or something because I can't stand the original version of "American Pie" - especially since there are like 432 verses to keep the seizures coming. But if I have to listen to it, I'd prefer that it be via Madonna. I vote for a snappier outfit, though.
Dear Lord ...
By PopCultureWhore

Pammie keeps it subtle in St. Tropez. She's 39, so go on with your bad self Pam, but the twins are looking a little lumpy in the middle. Hopefully things are not also a little lumpy down below ...

Instant Classic Alert!
by PopCultureWhore

Terrence Howard of "Crash" and "Hustle 'n' Flow" fame, will be found poolside in "Pride" as Jim Ellis, who starts a swim team for troubled teens in Philadelphia. Have there really not been enough inspirational sports movies yet? He spoke with TMZ recently about the role. You know that a movie HAS to be good when Tom Arnold is the first name on the cast list. Let's hope this is not a post-Oscar project nosedive like Cuba Gooding Jr. and "Snow Dogs," Nicole Kidman and "Bewitched" and Halle Berry with "Catwoman." I guess he didn't actually win, save for the "Crash" Best Picture award, so he might avoid the curse of the little gold man. Howard does have "Spring Break in Bosnia" with Richard Gere in the pipeline and is in negotiations to star as Thurgood Marshall in "The Crusaders."
Who Brings Drugs Into Dubai?!
By PopCultureWhore

Music producer Dallas Austin avoided his "Brokedown Palace" moment Tuesday when Dubai's Sheikh Mohammed bin Rashid Al Maktoum granted him a pardon for bringing cocaine into the country. Dallas, who won a Grammy for his work on TLC's "Fanmail," pleaded guilty on Sunday to brining 1.26 grams of cocaine in Dubai and was sentenced to four years in prison. The sheikh is apparently a T-Boz fan and gave Austin his very own independence day. He had been detained since May 19, when he was arrested at the airport while en route to a Dubai hotel for Naomi Campbell's birthday party.

Dumbass should be thanking his lucky stars seeing as how the United Arab Emirates' drug laws can impose sentences of up to 15 years for simple possession. If you're going to be idiotic enough a) to do cocaine b) bring cocaine with you on an international flight and c) travel great lengths to hang out with Naomi Campbell, you deserve to get comfy in Dubai for a year or two.

Kylie 'Fell to Pieces' After Diagnosis
by PopCultureWhore

Kylie Minogue "fell to pieces" after she was diagnosed with breast cancer last year. At the time, she was about to kick off a world tour and was determined to continue her plans, but her parents convinced her to instead seek treatment. She has since had surgery and chemotherapy treatment and the prognosis is good. "It's like a new life," Minogue says in the interview, set to air on Britain's Sky News on July 16. She recently made an appearance at Elton John's White Tie and Tiara ball last week and surprised the crowd at London's club GAY during sister Dannii's concert. Above is a clip of Kylie and Justin at the 2003 Brit Awards, two people we'd like to see more of soon, please.

I Love You Whores Forever!
By PopCultureWhore

The girls arrive in their new digs, a spacious and lit-for-reality TV spread in lower Manhattan. Warhol-esque pictures of the girls serve as headboards, a detail that delights Wanita. “If I forget where my bed is, I just have to look. Oh, that’s my bed. It’s my face,” she camera talks.

To keep them in their booty short finest, the ladies are also given a variety of costumes for all their trannie needs. But first, Diddy calls in on the bat phone.

Hello Charlie!

He makes fun of Aubrey’s new brunette locks (“You look like you got a bootleg wig on”) and then asks her if she thinks her relationship with T1000 will last. She’s hopeful, of course. We also learn that Aundrea is dating a music producer named Rudy. Diddy is not too impressed (“You know he’s definitely a rat, right?”) He informs the girls that they will soon be the “sexiest group that ever lived” so no man is ever going to be in it for the long haul. He stands corrected, however, when Shannon holds up her sparkly ring finger. Right. I give Aundrea and “Rudy” a better shot.

He closes by demanding that the girls take him out for lunch or dinner after her rebuffs their request to hit the recording studio. Aundrea instead demands that he pick up their tab. He laughs and hangs up on them.

The girls may be classing it up in a massive NYC loft, but that does not make them immune to the city’s most treasured secret – the mouse. Shannon and Aubrey search for the critter, but no luck.

Aubrey decides that a kitchen knife will work nicely in taking Stuart Little to task.

“Fievel is in the house!” Wanita declares.

Producer Rudy suggests Aundrea write a song about it. And introduce him to Diddy.

There’s little time for mousecapades, however, when Diddy brings in his grandmother to serve as sixth roommate and chaperone.

Ok, actually she's famed vocal coach Betty Wright, but what's with the getup. Is is really cold in the building? She and her magic drum sticks tip tap away as she guides the ladies through a vocal lesson. "Watch your timing" she warns Shannon, who is doing her best Jessica "I refuse to enunciate" Simpson impression.

Enter Diddy, who dashes their dreams by screaming "BOO!! BOO!!" before telling the girls that he "wouldn't want nobody to hear you sound like that." The performance was "real inconsistent, real shaky bakey, real not good at all." Shannon, he says, has the most work ahead of her.

He and Shannon regroup on the couch. "Gosh darnit!" she says in exasperation, before chastising herself for not being cooler.

Diddy: No, you say "gosh darnit" comfortably. I felt like I knew you. I felt like I was in your house.
Shannon: (exasperated hand motion)

Back in the batcave, Shannon explains her frustration to husband Ron while sporting a "Daddy's Rich" t-shirt. "Just think about what are the words that have meaning to you," he offers wisely. "Like if the words are 'I love you' think about love." Rather than calling him out for being captain obvious, Shannon continues to titter away about being useless and unemotional. I become far too interested in the shiny, red kettle and the wedding ring they keep flashing to (she's MARRIED, remember?!)

Fade into a clear shot of the loft's cross streets for all you stalkers out there. Fievel is still running amok, so the girls have called in the help of an exterminator. Wanita describes the two oafish looking vermin fighters as "two sexy guys" and Aubrey coyly instructs them in a voiceover to "come and get my mice, baby." They have all clearly being hanging out with each other for too long. Rudy, T1000 and Ron have their work cut out for them ...

Back in the kitchen with grandma Betty, the girls are struggling to harmonize. Diddy arrives and takes the girls to the studio so they can record a little ditty and hear how awful they sound. They do indeed sound like dying birds. Later, the girls try to put some effort in a number called "I love you forever." Shannon is not getting it.


Diddy and Grandma Betty instruct them to think about real love, but Shannon says she doesn't want to cry and mess up her makeup and rust up her backup CPU unit. They assure her it's ok, the other trannies will oil her up if she rusts. She breaks into song.

What's this? A tear from robotron?

Diddy is amazed at what Proactiv has done for his skin, and that these sluts can still give him goosebumps after all these years.

Group weep sesh everyone!

PS - Did anyone realize that Shannon had been a finalist on the short-lived "Fame" talent show starring Joey Fat One of N'sync? She butchered several classics including Proud Mary, I Will Survive and Respect as well as Leann Rimes' Can't Fight the Moonlight and Christina Aguilera's Fighter. Ouch. Click on the songs to assault your ears and fashion sense.

Episode 2
Episode 1