Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Trannies Save New Orleans!
by PopCultureWhore

Making the Band is back y’all!

It’s time to catch up with our favorite trollops and watch them mold themselves into the hip-hop Pussycat Dolls. I love these sluts and can't wait for them to have six months of glory and then fade into "where are they now?" oblivion.

But before we go any further, can we please talk about what happened to Aubrey? Where oh where has my favorite whore gone?

Blender ....

$2 juicer ...

When eye makeup attacks ...

No, no, you use it to sing ...

This is Aubrey's boyfriend. I don’t remember his name, but I’m going to call him T1000 because I could only think of the Terminator after this shot. Miss Aubrey loves him so, as demonstrated by sweet nothings like “He was boring before me.”

During her “home on the range” segment, we also learn that she is “always living on the edge” and that she and T1000 are “very opposite, but it is also something that brings me back to my motherly, kids, you know, housewife side, which is this big” (insert itty bitty hand gesture).

But Aubrey’s boyfriend segment was really just helping soften the blow for the big news of the evening. Are you ready boys?

Like, OMG, Shannon is married. Hello! The first rule of girl band fight club is no married chicks!

For all of you who thought Madonna was holding Carlos Leon captive in the basement of her English manor, fear not. He’s gained a few pounds, decided to rock the ‘fro, married a half-time dancer and is happily jogging his days away in Costa Mesa, Calif.

They met in rehab and decided to take up running instead of doing lines of blow of each other’s naked bodies and it’s been heaven every since. Before signing on for Making the Band, Shannon toured the country singing about the downside of coke. Below is her big “razzle dazzle ‘em” closing number from her last date in Tulsa. Or something.

Meanwhile, in Munchkinland, Diddy has gone all out to turn Aundrea into a cute Asian girl.

I think her hometown is Oakland, Calif., but I was bored by her story immediately and wished I had access to Shannon’s secret stash.

On living at home:

“Growing up here, you know, I’ve always just kind of been here and stuff. And now, it’s really different, like going to the mall. Now they want my autograph. It’s really weird!”

Uh, who wants your autograph? Only thing I saw was your friend pretending to be excited to see you in public. Then you ruined her glory by announcing, “I talked to Aubrey this morning. She said I can’t have other best friends anymore.”

Savor it now, slut. Diddy hates fatties!

Meanwhile, Wanita has been rocking the running man since 1988 …

And Dawn’s, I mean, D.Woods', old-school glamour shots are doing nothing to dispel my tranny theory.

Her family also apparently channels Farnsworth Bentley when they party ...

Together again, our fearless trannies, recently dubbed Danity Kane after the doctor who performed their surgeries, have regrouped at Johnny Record Producer’s compound. He lays down the law, tells them to work the street corners like no other and that their first outing as a group would be in Dawn’s hometown of New Orleans.

The ladies head to the city, headline a ghetto club night, get drunk on Bourbon Street and generally watch the beginnings of Aubrey’s love affair with alcohol.

Let's partttyyy!!!!

They also stop in at a New Orleans radio station and sing their latest single, “Ho-Bag Lullaby.” Lyrics include: “I can’t stop my knees, stop them from shaking. What he does to me, he knows just what I need.”

Then it gets serious when Dawn takes the chickas around New Orleans. “It’s higher land and it’s higher money,” she sagely informs them as they drive through a more affluent area. They visit her mother’s dance studio and the girls feign interest in public policy (“Why hasn’t more been done?”)

Aubrey, of course, chooses her most sensible pair of shoes for the outing.

Later, the girls don prison garb and throw beads from a rather sad looking float to some scary young fans ...

Breathe in the adortion of ... the masses?

Say buh-bye, Aubrey! Better I guess, but still vaguely tranny. Girlfriend is two 40s and double-wide trailer away from an episode of Cops.

Paris and Nicole ...
Keeping that Spark Alive?
By TellyWhore

Is it just me, or does this season of The Simple Life feel very…uncomfortable? I simply don’t get it. Perhaps if I knew why Paris and Nicole were not friends anymore, then maybe I could wrap my mind around the lunacy of this season. However, they are choosing to keep the reason for the split private (and I respect that), but if Paris can release a sex tape and Nicole can admit to being strung out on heroin at one time, then I think they could be kind enough to give us a little hint about the demise of the 20+ year friendship. Paris exchanging small talk (or should I say flubbing the lines from her script) with mothers is just not the same thing.


As a semi-feminist, I do despise cat fights, but at this point, I would rather see Nicole and Paris have a good, old-fashioned, hair-pulling, face-scratching, nose-twisting, ear lobe-biting, loud-screaming, smack down and be done with it. I would much prefer that kind of unruly scene to witnessing these socialites playing “Mommie Dearest,” or in the case Sunday night, playing Stepford Wives.

It’s funny, but I never noticed the extent of Paris’ blandness until Sunday night on The Simple Life. Paris appeared to be as bored with the Weekes family as I was watching her be bored. Besides the snide remarks she made to Mr. Weekes, she was utterly and completely unentertaining. Paris’ overly exaggerated beauty routine just seemed like plain, old conceit without Nicole lurking in the corner of the mirror.

As an aside, wasn’t Paris being overly critical of the hubby, or maybe it was just me? Watching Paris cause chaos and mayhem on a golf course just seemed kind of “been there, done that” without Nicole to egg her on and hoop and holler from the passenger seat. I almost want to write Paris a scathing letter and tell her “I GET IT…YOU ARE THE NICE ONE.”

So if Paris is prim and proper, then, by contrast, Nicole would be rude and vulgar. Not surprisingly, Nicole is definitely not making it hard for us to make the distinction between the two. In true Nicole fashion, she opened her segment by offering the hubby a blow job. It’s so much more shocking and ugly without Paris next to her feigning surprise. Nicole’s wild antics just aren’t as amusing without Paris snickering in the background. I did smile a little when she fed Mr. Weekes the dog food, but it was a smile in memory of what she used to be…with Paris.

But how in the world does Nicole convince these husbands to do some of the insane things they do? Specifically, exactly what “goody” did Nicole have in her purse to encourage Mr. Weekes to try on that silly workout outfit and then to follow that stunt by posing nude? Speaking of “goodies,” hasn’t Nicole taken this “heroin chic” phase way too far?

On a lighter note, the episode did accomplish one important task. If nothing else, I know how much liquor I would need to consume in order to spend a day with Paris or Nicole, separately. My suspicion is that Mr. Weekes didn’t develop a drinking problem until he realized he had to spend a whole day, EACH, with Paris’ high horse and Nicole’s potty mouth. I would be scared too.