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Monday, October 09, 2006

Meet You at the Olive Garden!
By PopCultureWhore














If you’re at a loss for crap reality fare lately, The Bachelor: Rome will likely warm your shallow, ADD afflicted heart. But be sure to tune into the original “Flavor of Love” during the early episodes (Mondays, ABC 9pm) because the cat fights between the dimwitted contestants are the best part of this ridiculous farce. Once it gets down to home visits and one-on-one dates in far off locales, it becomes more Dr. Phil than Jerry Springer and I zone out.

This year’s “perfect man” is Lorenzo Borghese, the 27-year-old owner of a pet supply business who ABC executives are touting as an Italian prince. Unfortunately Lorenzo is about as Italian as Chef Boyardee.

His parents have lived in the ritzy New Jersey suburb of Short Hills since the late ‘70s and Lorenzo briefly attended The Morristown Beard School, a swanky little prep school in the new yuppie haven of Morristown, NJ. Lorenzo was rumored to have been enrolled in intensive Italian courses by “Bachelor” producers prior to the show’s taping, but seeing as how he basically only mustered “thank you,” he’s likely not in it for a cultural awakening.

That’s fine, of course, because authenticity is not generally the hallmark of televised dating shows. We want stupid whores, vapid commentary and pledges of undying love after 15 minutes of interaction. A few gems:










One of our lovely ladies is Heather (above), a 34-year-old nurse who is appropriately named due to her striking resemblance to Heather Locklear circa 1993. She sported a skintight white dress that would make Amanda Woodward proud and knocked back alcohol like a champ. Unfortunately, this made her functionally retarded when she actually got to sit down with Lorenzo. “It’s ok, though, because I’m not!” she later slurred. Not so much. No rose for you!











Then there’s Erica, a 23-year-old “heiress” from Texas. She reminded me of the character Brittany Murphy played in “Uptown Girls” but her clothes looked like they came from a consignment shop. She wore a tiara, talked about nonsensical crap, waxed poetic about her well-endowed chest and got herself a rose.











Andrea is really not worth mentioning except for her impromptu opera performance. As Lorenzo sat glassy-eyed with “Rita from Richmond” and some other slut, Andrea took to an overhead balcony and started singing. Rita tried to continue her conversation during the serenade, but to no avail. Lorenzo gave Andrea a standing ovation, but no rose. Bye now!









Agnese is a student from Italy whose name and town of origin is unknown – probably because she and Cosetta (the other “real Italian,” age also unknown) are Roman prostitutes the producers picked up and promised to pay with an appearance on TV. Despite the fact that Lorenzo and Agnese stumbled over the meaning of “mittens” and seemed to have about as much chemistry as one might expect from Steve-O and Princess Diana, the busty foreigner nabbed herself a rose.














Then there’s Desiree, or as I like to call her, Homer’s Vegas Wife. She wore a white halter dress and called Lorenzo “baby” the entire episode. Lorenzo basically admitted that he hated women like Desiree, but she showed a little side boob and would probably be voted “Most Likely to Disrobe in a Hot Tub” so obviously, she got a rose.










Finally, we have poor little saucer-eyed Rosella. This 27-year-old makeup artist from Chicago was a titter at the possibility of meeting her husband in Italy and thus re-creating her parent’s love story. She should’ve known something was awry when Lorenzo gave her a blank stare after she greeted him with “Your princess has arrived” in Italian. She should’ve gone the Desiree route and said something like “I’m easy,” but if nothing else, she can serve as translator between Lorenzo and Agnese.










But wait, don’t forget Sadie! She’s so blonde and cute and non-threatening and bouncy, I almost forget to take her out of her Polly Pocket play land and bring her along for the fun. Stop brushing your My Little Pony tails and come find your husband, Sadie! This fun-loving perkette is also this year’s resident virgin, so she’ll likely be nestled between her Rainbow Brite sheets before any “overnight visits” are on the agenda. Care Bear stare!

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