Hot Child in the City -

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Maid In Outer Space
By PopCultureWhore

Word must be getting around to our nation’s “event planners” that going on The Bachelor does not mean you’ll end up with prince charming because the selection of ladies on The Bachelor Rome is like watching “Butterface the Musical.”

In the lead role is Erica, a Texas socialite not keen on work, good cheer or any sort of effort whatsoever. She has large boobs, but that’s about it. Her hair is stringy in a post-rehab, first season of The Simple Life Nicole Ritchie kind of way and her fashion sense hovers precariously between Forever 21 and the shit Donatella Versace designed while she was high on coke.

When the girls are brought to the Italian mansion they’ll be sharing for the duration of the show, dear Erica is dismayed to find that she’ll be sharing a bedroom and will not under the care of a maid.

“When I saw the house I wasn’t impressed at all. I was just really taken aback and I didn’t know what to do,” she whines.

She runs off to find host Chris Harrison. “I just don’t want to live in a room with three other girls,” she tells a bemused Chris. “My room at home is like 10 times that size.”

She then uses her keen sense of observation to declare, “I don’t see maids.” When Chris informs here that there will be no professional servers at her beck and call, Erica declares that “ridiculous” and whines about having to “hire one of the other girls to be my maid.”


In the supporting role is Agnese, an attractive Italian of few words who manages to be the most prescient in her assessment of the ladies. “It’s hard to live with American girls. They are crazy, really crazy,” she says, before imitating their screeches.

Erica claims to be “indifferent” towards Agnese because “she really barely speaks English, like at all.”

Lorenzo (remember him?) claims to be slightly concerned about the “communication barrier” between him and Agnese, but declares that “she’s so sweet, I could listen to her speak all day.”

There’s no time for that when there are American tourist traps to be had! A gaggle of ladies accompany Lorenzo to Rome, where they rent scooters and take in the sights. Erica’s license is “expired” (I think she was loathe to admit she’s a 42-year-old divorcee named Esther) so she hops on the back of Lorenzo’s scooter and declares that he has “nice abs."

She also takes the opportunity to give Lorenzo a run down of all her past relationships. He looks somewhat suicidal until she says that she last dated someone seven months ago. “What have you been doing since then?” he asks in a tone that suggests that only hose beasts go for seven months without boyfriends. “Waiting for you!” she declares.

Leaving behind the glimpse of humor he displayed on the scooter, Lorenzo then says he “felt like I was the king of Rome.” He should just tell the girls that he actually IS the king of Rome because he’d probably get laid a lot faster. And isn’t that what this is all about?

Moving on, he takes the trollops to a hotel of some sort where he orders them to beautify their fug selves with the help of some cocktail dresses in the next room. Erica picks some floozy dress, takes Lorenzo on to the balcony and breaks the cardinal rule of reality show participation – she gives her honest opinion when Lorenzo asks her what she thinks of the other contestants.

She gives him answer, to which he responds, “You can’t judge.” He is just a brilliant, brilliant man. He then moves on to Rainbow Brite herself, Virgin Sadie. They babble about stupid shit, Lorenzo proclaims it a triumphant conversation and hands VS the evening’s rose. Erica is nearly apoplectic, and states that Lorenzo “must not really want a real princess.”

Lorenzo then has a one-on-one date with Psycho Lisa, who has a five-year plan to be engaged within one year, married within two and with child in the next five years. The two go on the most boring date imaginable, during which Lisa wisely decides not to fill Lorenzo in on her life plan because it “might freak him out.” Continuing his dumbass streak, Lorenzo gives PL a rose and all is right with the world.

Back at the homestead, Sadie tells the other she’s a virgin, which elicits a deep eye roll from Agnese. One of the girls asks her, “Do you have sexual feelings?”

The rest of the sluts have a day at the beach, during which Desiree tells Lorenzo that she’d show up at his office to service him sexually if she picked her. Kim gets trashed, falls into the lighting guy, falls asleep, talks gibberish when awakened and mistakes Lorenzo for the waiter.

Hot sex on a platter? Not so much.

At the rose ceremony, he ditches Lisa McDrunker Pants and a few others who didn’t really make an impression. Agnese is still in the game, as is Erica. When her name is called, she runs over to Lorenzo like she’s Phoebe in that episode of “Friends” where Rachel refuses to run with her because she’s too spastic.

Not to be outdone, some of the whores who got kicked off try to teach Agnese how to say hey y’all, awesome and right on, apparently forgetting that it’s not 1986.


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