Thursday, August 10, 2006

You Kiss Lionel With That Mouth?
By TellyWhore

This week my favorite rivals are spending time with a family who focuses on nurturing and expanding the creative potential of their three youngsters. Who better to step in and add flavor than Ms. Ritchie and the soon to be Mrs. Niarchos? Meet the Burton family.

Allow me take a moment and ponder the true point of this show. Believe it or not, I actually believed that The Simple Life was about two filthy rich girls who were stepping away from high society, right into the cheaper, and less trendy shoes of the “common folk.” As the show proceeds, I am beginning to realize this show is merely another publicity stunt to add to the continuing love affair that the media has with Paris and Nicole, and that is what has been bothering me.

Please do not misunderstand, I love a good publicity stunt every now and again. I understand how celebrity works. They have to keep their fans entertained and there is nothing better than a good old fashioned pregnancy, a quickie marriage, or even an arrest to drum up some business. What bothers me is that this show is the worst kind of publicity stunt because it is so OBVIOUS! I mean really, what does Paris being on the set of her video or Nicole meeting with Diane Warren have in common with The Simple Life. There is nothing simple about that at all.


While I am on a tangent, doesn’t Nicole remind you of an insolent child? She is like a five year old who has just learned about the effect of a well-placed curse word. Of course, the child waits to use it at the most inopportune time, like during a dinner party for her parent’s friends, all of whom happen to be devout Catholics. She loves the look of shock mixed with horror that spreads across their faces. She will use that word over and over again, at PTA meetings and play dates, trying to elicit that same look of shock and horror until you can no longer ignore it and are forced to shove a bar of Dove in the little one’s mouth just to shut them up. Nicole, I wish you would just grow up.

I do not want to give the impression that I am a prude or that I am pure of speech at all times, because I have had my days when I have slipped (and rather easily I might add) into my second language of sailor-ese. However, I understand the unwritten code to using foul language. With the exception of a few circumstances that may warrant it and of course, unless you are Colin Farrell, foul language is only to be thrown around with little regard for others at bars, in the privacy of one’s own home, and baseball games. Foul language is never, ever, ever used in front of children under thirteen. What was Nicole really thinking about having small children yell out curse words? If the cameras were not present, I have a feeling Mr. Burton would have had a few choice words for Nicole. Something like, “Get the *bleep* out of my *bleep*-ing house, you *bleep*, *bleep* *bleep*. And I can’t say I would blame him.

Back to the matter at hand…I am going to skip right past the ever-bored Paris posing as the clay model for the kids. I will not even mention Nicole’s use of some poor, pathetic pizza man as a model for the kids posing with one hand on his bottom and a thumb in his mouth. Why even bother discussing Nicole using a wall as a canvas for the artists?

Instead, I would like to head straight to the music video: music by Nicole, directed by Paris, starring the Burton family. Let’s start with Nicole’s song, “It’s a Hard to be a Mutha.” Scene 1: Nicole asked the children what words came to mind when they thought of their mother. The children used words like kind and nice and loving. So Nicole goes off to write a song. Scene 2: The Burton family and Nicole in the studio listening to the music that the father has created. Nicole heads into the studio booth to “lay the track.” Now, at this point, I really believed that she was about to spill out some deep and heartfelt song that would cause my own eyes to water and shame me into calling my mother. I mean, she just met with Diane Warren, the ultimate song writer, right? Suffice it to say, Nicole remained true to her self. Between the constant bleeping, I could not make out one word that the children gave her.

Paris produced the video and she was certain to let her feelings about the “rapper” be known. True to form, Paris found a way to include Limar, the Roto-Rooter man into another episode. He played Mr. Burton, while Paris persuaded Mr. Burton to dress up as his wife. Enough said.

I didn’t know what to expect from the final product, so you can imagine my surprise when I found my self mildly entertained by the video. As if that was not enough of a shocker, Paris only made ONE cameo in the video…go fig. Oh yeah, 3-6-Mafia agreed to let her direct their next video.

As you all know, this season of The Simple Life is winding down. The season finale is scheduled for next week. This is what we know: 1. Their paths are bound to cross eventually and so it seems they do just that on next week’s episode. 2. For the first time all season, these two exchange words and according to the previews, the words exchanged are not friendly. So now the question is, are we in for one of the most anticipated girl fights or will the ex-bests kiss and make up? I guess we have to tune in to find out.
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