Saturday, August 19, 2006

Stay Tuned
By TellyWhore

Season four of The Simple Life has finally come to a very disappointing end. It seems that those of us who are dying to know if Paris and Nicole will mend their friendship must wait until the next season to find out. Frankly, I find myself becoming less and less interested by the second.

As the show opens, we see an ecstatic Nicole jumping for joy that she has reached the final day of taping. In the next scene, we meet a sleeping Paris, who shows mild irritation at the prospect of going to another day of “work.” Evidently Paris had just pranced home 90 minutes earlier from some late-night, hard-drinking, after-hours fun. She explains that she has been working every day. I wasn’t aware that shopping and partying were actual jobs. If that is the case, Paris, please send me an application so that I can begin my career in your line of business. Then again, I imagine that sashaying around someone’s home, pretending to do housework while checking yourself out in the mirror could be a rather taxing task if being the hottest thing on the party scene is one’s greatest ambition.

Now, keep in mind that while Paris was much too tired to go to her assignment for the day, she did however find the energy to do her hair, her makeup, call an agency to send a look-alike, and interview the three prospects. She even squeezes in time to meet with her publicist. Where in the world does Paris pull that strength from? Admirable isn’t it?

Paris has hired an imposter, given her some “how to be Paris tips” (including always ask for toast and butter, never hold anything, and a reminder that Nicole is the enemy) and sent Fake Paris on her way. I’ll skip over the part about Fake Paris meeting the family (BORING!!) and get straight to the show’s climax.


What should appear but a skinnier Nicole, and a crafty, wicked sneer? It seems that Paris, in her haste to skip out on her duties, did not realize that she confused a Paris day with a Nicole day. And here is where the drama ensues.

Nicole, realizing that an opportunity too good to pass has presented itself to her, decides to blackmail the Fake Paris. The only way Nicole will continue with the charade is if Fake Paris, born as Natalie, will do anything and everything that Nicole says. That basically translates into putting on Nicole’s shoes and feeding her; you know, humiliating things like that.

Seeing how cooperative Fake Paris is, Nicole, in all of her wicked wisdom, devises an even more devious plan of sabotage that implicates Paris in a complicated threesome with Marc Anthony and the former-man (according to Nicole) Jennifer Lopez that results in an unplanned pregnancy. As my mouth hung open in pure shock at the nerve of Nicole, I could not help but to admire the lengths to which she will go.

Of course, Paris gets wind of Nicole’s master plan, and she races to the host family’s home, just in time to thwart Nicole’s attempt to smear her good, nice name.

And now, what we have all been waiting for…E! Network and The Simple Life producers bring you the battle of the year. The showdown in celebrity town…beauty against beauty. We have Paris Hilton in her corner wearing the blue fur and Nicole Ritchie, in her corner, wearing the all white gown. Who will be the victor? Who will get the last laugh, once and for all? Can you feel the tension? So what happens next, you ask?

Just wait until next season to find out.

Pissed off, aren’t you? Well, me too.

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