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Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Laundry, Simple Style
By Telly Whore

















“I can’t do 99.9 percent of the things on that list.”

This week on The Simple Life, Paris and Nicole were introduced to the Beggs family, a family of five that is headed by an obsessive, compulsive neat freak. And the plot thickens…

Given a list of simple household tasks, the girls’ only concern this week was finishing the list and preparing a dinner for the family and their church friends. That seems simple enough, right? But when is anything ever “simple” with those two?

They each began with washing clothes. You may think that perhaps the Beggs beat their clothes upon a rock and hung them out to dry, but in actuality, they have a top of the line washing machine that practically does everything for the user except put the clothes in the machine.

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Nicole instead tossed the clothes in the pool with the tide and let them soak. With technology on her side, Paris overstuffed the machine with clothes and used enough soap powder to produce suds that would make any rave party-goers jealous. And as always, Paris knew just who to call, Limar, the Roto-Rooter man. I gather that Paris must use their services often, because no matter what appliance Paris manages to dismantle, Limar never appears to be surprised. I guess he has seen it all.

Paris brought the family cameo appearance number on TSL to an all-time high of five as she escorted her brothers into Kitsons, a Hollywood fashion depot that she used to frequent with former best friend Nicole and which now sells the Team Nicole and Team Paris t-shirts. Though it was Conrad’s birthday and he was clearly bored with Paris’ “birthday present,” that didn’t stop Paris from putting on a one-person fashion show because she “just couldn’t help herself.”

Nicole, however, will not be outdone this week. Somehow and someway, the infamous Lionel Ritchie (infamous for getting beat down by his wife in the street after catching him with his mistress) just happened to make an appearance on this episode to say “Hello” while Nicole was treating the family to a day of pampering and makeovers (including a weave for the son) at the spa. He kept his appearance short and sweet but he managed to dole out some fatherly advice and admonish Nicole at the same time. I don’t know, but the whole scenario just felt kind of uncomfortable? I will leave it at that.

I must take a moment to give credit where credit is due. Paris, alone with nothing but a blower, was able to defeat the two-inch cock roaches. Under the circumstances, I was actually quite impressed because had I been in Paris’ position, I would have had to walk off the show. I am deathly afraid of bugs of any kind, especially ones that are as big as my toe. Watching her blow that roach through the house nearly gave me a heart attack and I was safe in my home. I commend Paris. Paris, that’s hot.

This week, I was able to garner more information about the Paris/Nicole feud. It seems Nicole says drugs were the reason Paris and her were even friends in the first place, stating, “I was on drugs, I didn’t know who I was friends with.” Wow.

Once again, Paris wins this round of The Simple Life with Mr. Beggs choosing her over Nicole as the better housekeeper. He even managed to look pleased when Paris presented her dinner of brownies and fruit loops to his church friends.

In the infamous last words of Mr. Beggs, “Zachary, please don’t eat any of that.” And I can’t help but to wonder if he meant that in some larger, more existential way. Please don’t eat any of that.

Previous Recaps:
Simple Wizardry
Paris, Nicole Reunion in the Works?
Til Boredom Do Us Part
Keeping That Spark Alive

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